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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL is a CF?

32 replies

Thedreadediaws · 10/07/2023 19:54

DH is NC with his family, mainly his parents (stately homes) but also his sister as she is similar to MIL. DH’s brother we sometimes speak to but only civil, nothing heartfelt.

His family blame me for this, his mum has said I’m a “psycho and narcissist” because DH took a stand. He has told them over and over that all he needs is them to acknowledge how they treated him in childhood but they blame me instead. They also text him saying how much they miss him, but actively avoid him in family situations. I was the reason he stayed talking to them so long because I believe family was everything but they don’t realise that and have called me lots of names and hoped our wedding didn’t go ahead etc.

Anyway, DH used to be close to SIL so I tried to remain in touch (with DH’s knowledge) as I was concerned DH would regret missing out on a relationship with his niece/nephew.

Recently, SIL started a business and began messaging me for advice as I’m a Chartered Accountant, very senior, blah blah. I gave it and she took all of it on board and implemented everything I said and simply sent me a “thumbs up” instead of a thank you. I said that that was it. I’m tired of putting my energy into a family who hate me. It was my birthday recently and SIL didn’t wish me happy birthday, she knew and saw the stories from others wishing me happy birthday and was on Facebook etc. I always wish her and her husband, and their children a HBD and send presents.

Today, SIL text asking for more accounting advice. Realising she hadn’t acknowledged my bday she put “ps hope birthday was good”. I haven’t responded and feel like I need to set boundaries, but I know the answer and feel guilty not helping.

Is she a CF?
YABU - just help her, family is everything
YANBU - don’t help the CF, she’s using you.

OP posts:
TheUndoing · 10/07/2023 19:58

Well it sounds a bit like you’re overreacting and reading personal insults into things where none may exist. Going no contact over a thumbs up emoji sounds a bit much to me. I think you have to be careful when “setting boundaries” that you’re not just using therapy speak for being huffy.

Lacucuracha · 10/07/2023 19:59

YANBU. I would tell her that work is really busy so you can’t help her.

And ignore the lame, tacked-on birthday line.

Lacucuracha · 10/07/2023 20:01

Also, stop wishing her, her husband and DC happy birthday.

Do they ever send you presents?

ThinWomansBrain · 10/07/2023 20:04

I'd reply that you were happy to spend time giving her advice on the set up, but if she needs accounting advice on an ongoing basis, your rates are £xx

SadKendall · 10/07/2023 20:06

Just block her.

Blanca87 · 10/07/2023 20:06

@TheUndoing are you the sister in law… 😂 It’s clear from the OP there is complicated dynamics at play.

drpet49 · 10/07/2023 20:06

I don’t know why you gave her advice in the first place knowing the history between her and you and DH. Stop being a chump.

Lacucuracha · 10/07/2023 20:12

Blanca87 · 10/07/2023 20:06

@TheUndoing are you the sister in law… 😂 It’s clear from the OP there is complicated dynamics at play.

🤣

Raindancer411 · 10/07/2023 20:15

I would just say you are busy and cannot help and she would be best to get a local person who deals with it closer to home.

HelplessSoul · 10/07/2023 20:17

Text her your starting hourly rates of £500 for every hour or £400 for 20 mins.

Close off by saying "happy to help upon clearance of payment".

Tigger1895 · 10/07/2023 20:19

The only answer when family members ask for business advice on financial issues should always be “I think it’s best for you to get independent advice”

TeaKitten · 10/07/2023 20:20

I don’t understand the (stately homes) thing, what’s that about?

thecatsthecats · 10/07/2023 20:23

YABU for pushing your husband to stay in contact because you thought it was the right thing to do, but choosing to opt out when YOU decide it's a pain in the arse.

Maybe next time be more supportive of his decisions, and then you won't get bitten on the arse by hypocrisy.

MsRosley · 10/07/2023 20:24

Yeah, I'd just say I'm sorry, I'm busy, and make myself very scarce/unavailable. Alternatively you could just be honest and say what you've said here, but that's the nuclear option and will likely cause a lot of fall out.

Butchyrestingface · 10/07/2023 20:27

thecatsthecats · 10/07/2023 20:23

YABU for pushing your husband to stay in contact because you thought it was the right thing to do, but choosing to opt out when YOU decide it's a pain in the arse.

Maybe next time be more supportive of his decisions, and then you won't get bitten on the arse by hypocrisy.

Think I agree with this. OP pushed her husband to maintain a damaging and dysfunctional relationship with his family when he didn't want to because "family is everything".

But God forbid, when SiL doesn't show a sufficient level of gratitude or wish OP happy birthday on her FB page, it's blunderbusses at dawn time.

OprahWinfery · 10/07/2023 20:30

What’s wrong with being direct? ‘Oh hahaha I see you’re wishing me a happy birthday only now that you need my advice again? 😜🥲🤡’

call her out on it

OprahWinfery · 10/07/2023 20:31

I mean.. since a fallout is inevitable anyway.

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 10/07/2023 20:35

React with a love emoji. Then either leave it or say thanks had a great day but so busy with work at the mo, hope all's well xx

She'll get the message. I think one bit of advice to start her off was kind, but she needs to pay for independent advice long term. Especially if it's a one sided relationship.

DisforDarkChocolate · 10/07/2023 20:35

She needs a proper accountant, not unofficial advice. What happens if it all goes tits up?

Anyway, regardless of all that's she's a CF.

Anoushkaka · 10/07/2023 20:40

Ignore her messages and stop wishing her and her family a HBD.

Original poster
Thedreadediaws · 10/07/2023 20:41

TheUndoing · 10/07/2023 19:58

Well it sounds a bit like you’re overreacting and reading personal insults into things where none may exist. Going no contact over a thumbs up emoji sounds a bit much to me. I think you have to be careful when “setting boundaries” that you’re not just using therapy speak for being huffy.

DH is no contact because he was treated badly through childhood and as a mistake. Mumsnet already ruled on this under a different name and told him to go NC.

MIL is a narcissist and SIL is similar, but I do see her good side.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thedreadediaws · 10/07/2023 20:43

thecatsthecats · 10/07/2023 20:23

YABU for pushing your husband to stay in contact because you thought it was the right thing to do, but choosing to opt out when YOU decide it's a pain in the arse.

Maybe next time be more supportive of his decisions, and then you won't get bitten on the arse by hypocrisy.

DH is NC and is fully supportive of how I’ve chosen to approach the situation. Becoming the absolute enemy of your husband’s family is hard, I have struggled to deal with it because DH is also struggling and going to therapy etc

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 10/07/2023 20:43

"Birthday was good thanks. If you call 0208 1234567, xxxxxxx my receptionist will happily book you an appointment with me at the office, and I can go through it all with you properly. Let me know if this is a one-off appointment or if you want me to take you on as a client so that xxxxxxx can arrange the appropriate billing. Speak soon, x"

GatesOfBabylon · 10/07/2023 20:45

A thumbs up is an informal thank-you, but still a thank-you.

I don’t wish any of my in-laws happy birthday and they don’t me, no big deal - this is despite that we are relatively close.

itsmylife7 · 10/07/2023 20:51

This doesn't make sense to me.
You speak and see your husbands family but he's no contact ?

That's never going to really work well.