AIBU to think this is enough?
I wonder if I am losing perspective on my relationship so keen to see how you would feel.
My partner and I have been in a relationship for 20 years, we are both mid 40s. We have two wonderful kids aged 4 and 8.
He is a very reliable person who puts his family as his top priority. He does not care much about going out with friends, he is a very introverted, so he dedicates all his time to his work, house, and children. At home he also likes his time for himself, as I do, so we often take turns in being with the children. I know that I can count on him. He is the first person I want to speak with if I have any problem. He does his fair shar with the kids and the house, is a very attentive father and financially contributes more than I do.
We have similar over arching values – we prioritize channelling our resources towards the children education and development and agree in which values we want to pass on. He complements my approach as well, as I can be quite negative and temperamental, and he is calmer and can see the good side of things. The kids absolutely adore him. He is not the fun type, but the calm type who is there to support them, take them to walks in the forest, etc. Although we fight sometimes, we overall have a stable relationship.
Now what is the problem. He has an issue with public or private displays of affection. It is not natural to him to hug, kiss, or cuddle. In public this would be impossible, he just recoils if initiate it, not in an aggressive manner, but more like he is trying to be discreet but he could not bare the discomfort. At home he would indulge me for a few seconds but terminate it as when he thinks is acceptable. He is just not a very tactile person, even with the children although he absolutely loves them and he is very caring, he does not feel the urge to kiss them and hug them as I do. The only time where he initiates or responds positively to physical contact is when we have sex.
Aside from the first year in our relationship, he has been always like this. He has no interest in other women, so that is not the reason. I have got used to it but when I see other couples being affectuous it does get to me.
We also have different approaches to social life. I like going out with friends and he hates it. He sometimes tags along but I always have to worry if he is not being left out. Most of the people we would meet we know them through me, as he is very polite and agreeable, but not sociable, so he does not seek friends, for him me and the kids are all he needs. This used to also upset me, but I have got used to socialise much less, and often without him.
We don’t have that many common hobbies either. We both like exercising, him much more than me, and we mostly talk about the children, the day to day life, or current affairs.
Now I do love him, I think he is physically an attractive man, in much better shape than most men his age. However, we are missing the ‘having fun together’ element. It will not change, we have spoken about these many times and he says he tries his best, he is as he is, and if that is not enough, he is sorry but can’t do anything. I don’t feel attracted by any other men either, but I often miss this element of being physically cared for.
Am I being unreasonable to think this is fine?