Feel so sad and trapped and never should have been a mum

[hadenoughff]

I have had an epic meltdown today. Been a single parent to Ds 3 since he was 14 months, in which time we’ve seen his dad twice!! He does absolutely nothing for ds expect pay the minimum maintenance he has to. I thought going back to work would help as I would have adult conversation etc but actually all it does is highlight how fucking alone I am. I can never stay late and it’s the sort of job that you are judged if you don’t, and I can never attend the drinks etc with my colleagues. On team calls before the people call starts all we do is discuss the weekend that’s gone or the one upcoming. I have to hear about anniversaries, Christmas plans, birthdays, surprises, family days out, you name it, knowing I will never have this experience again. People always asking if I will have another… how exactly? I literally never am able to go out and meet anyone. I work myself to the bone and don’t even qualify for child benefit. I have no money left at the end of the month. I can’t ever have a break. Nobody to share the load with.

When dc started nursery a couple of years ago I found it so hard to let him go and it was around the time bee separated so I had no support. I feel like it’s been moments like that ever since. When dc was unwell, I was worried and alone for example.

I have family but they’re not supportive in a way i can rely on. They are ds but it’s about them enjoying him rather than helping me. I can’t take the loneliness anymore. I am so sad. I knew my relationship was rocky when I fell pregnant and selfishly had ds as I was in my thirties and weighed it all up as I really wanted kids. Well, I wanted a family. With an involved father. I’m so sad, nothing has got better the last couple of years and it feels like it never will.

*proper call

I’ve no suggestions to make but just want you to know I understand how you feel. Hopefully it will get easier as your son gets older. Can you make his dad pay more child support to at least help your financial position.

I have been there, it’s awful. It really really hurts.

It won’t always be like this.

Your childcare costs will reduce over time and your salary will increase over time. With the extra disposable income will come the ability to purchase more flexibility with childminders of a Friday night, holidays, city breaks (with/without dc).

Can you find a job that doesn’t expect you to stay late?

@Zarataralara thanks

@CheekyHusky im so low. I am only qualified in one area. I am sort of stuck in this career. I can’t imagine going away alone and leaving ds, even if I had the money, I just feel totally trapped. It’s my own fault too. He’s so wonderful and deserves a loving home. I am so drained.

My son is 6 and I've never had a night out since before he was born. No support and lost out on opportunities for promotion as he has SEN and have limited childcare options. It's can feel a bit suffocating, but try to enjoy things you can do together. He won't be young forever although sometimes it feels never ending. You're doing a great job, not easy on your own.

Awww sending you a big virtual hug. Take each day at a time. This too shall pass. Things can change on a dime. You won’t always be alone with a young child forever

It sounds to me like he's got a loving home. You are a wonderful Mum, turning yourself inside out and in knots to provide for him, to love him, to care for him, to be his everything, with no backstop to rely on if you can't. That's gotta wear on a person.

@hadenoughff
Sending you so much sympathy. You have a heavy load on your shoulders.

I can remember feeling - not the same, but also trapped - when DD was 2 or so. I had two under five, and my OH was on long-term sick, not able to contribute much to family life because he was so unwell ( and I just felt stretched so thin. I couldn't go anywhere on my own either because I was the only functional parent, and even on OH's better days I was continually on call. I did often think "Why did we have a second one? I can't cope with this..."

It got gradually better. I can't say there was one moment when it started, but the kids got bigger and became less like helpless demand machines (adorable, but a lot of work!) and could have actual conversations. I still don't get out much, but I don't mind so much now that the kids are actual company. OH still isn't great health-wise but copes better and I feel more like a partner and less a carer.

The feelings of regret really didn't last all that long but it sure felt like it at the time - and I felt awful about it as DD was a little darling and didn't deserve it.

It sounds like your DS is the apple of your eye and right now he's too little to notice how worn out you are. Hopefully by the time he is, you'll be in a better situation and frame of mind. Sending you lots of good thoughts...

I just wanted to say I agree with pp that you are a wonderful mum. It will get easier over time as your ds grows and gets more independant. What’s your relationship like with your boss? If you feel really burned out maybe say something or take some annual leave and do something nice for yourself to recharge. People without kids don’t get it and if your a single parent it’s a lot to shoulder. I know lots of people who are part of the charity ‘Gingerbread’ which is for single parents and it’s been a great support to them.

www.gingerbread.org.uk

sending you a huge hug op, you’re a brilliant mum xxxxxxx