family therapy? Or something else

[mistepps]

Our family feels in a bad place right now. I have ADHD (diagnosed in 20's, on meds) and not sure if that's why I'm struggling with everything, or if this is standard family dynamic and I just need to get through it. Or if it sounds like deeper issues that need addresing (through therapy?)

At home it's DD12, DS 14, DH (DC's dad). DC have a nice life (we think!) - we both work, are around/available, lots of activities, holidays, meals together etc. When all's going to plan, funny, kind, great kids.

However, there's just so much anger - slamming doors, screaming. DC spend 90% of time hating each other, DD (suspected ADHD) has zero control over emotions and erupts over any perceived slight. DS less angry day to day, but also explosive e.g broke wardrobe door this morning because he couldn't find school shoe...

Both glued to phones, doing absolute minimum school work, nothing to help round house and shedding hobbies.

I'm completely worn out. 10 years of screaming, I feel like I'm shutting down. Feels like the harder I try to get a grip on things, the worse it gets. I start reading the books but never finish them, devise routines that I can't stick to. I worry about DC future but can't figure out how to help them.

Also feel alone in this. DH is wonderful on many levels, but no support with this. It's left to me to deal with, he'll just leave the house when things kick off. I feel like the emotional backbone of family, and hugely ill-equipped to fulfil that role. E.g. Getting support/diagnosis for DD falls entirely to me, so hasn't started/I don't know where to start. DH has organisation/tenacity to support this but wouldn't occur to him to do this.

What do we need to do? Can this be fixed?

IT sounds like everything has been aggravated by puberty. My sister had a really difficult time with my nephew and one-to-one therapy for him combined with family therapy made a huge positive difference

Teens are hard. I suspect I have ADHD and DS1 is diagnosed. He is explosive and so am I.

Dh is great organizationally but he needs the ideas from me so we try to work as a team. Eg. With your dh I would say, I think we need to get DD diagnosed. Could you research it? In our dynamic I tend to research and then say we need to get to GP. He'll book all that, we need to fill this form, he'll fill it in. He basically does all the stuff I find really boring but he doesn't find it boring and quite likes it!

I've actually got into lists in my old age (used to hate them, too restrictive, I would rebel...). Maybe make a list of things to be done. It is quite satisfying to cross them off and I try not give myself overly restrictive deadlines, unless necessary.

But rest assured most of this is just teens. They are pretty horrible but I try to enjoy the good moments (I have 3) and do some things they enjoy, or get them out on a walk or something. They moan and then have fun. My ADHD DS who is 17 is doing work experience with me this week and he's being such an angel. I'm enjoying it. He's so much better 1:1.

Thank you for reassurance. I hope it's just a teen thing and good plan to work to each of our strengths. I feel we muddle along and then every 6 months or so, reach a point where it all gets too much, something shifts and it's good for a week or so, before we slip back into old patterns.

I also love a list, but it's just too long, which is the other problem. Feel like fire fighting, waiting for something to 'pass' before getting on with day to day stuff, only for it to be replaced with something else. I think this is life though?

A lot of what you write is pretty normal for life with teens. What jumped out at me was ‘10 years of screaming’. That sounds awful for you but also an exhausting and futile response.

Where I do see room for improvement is in your DH’s role. Seems he’s got used to switching off when things get difficult and he’s not involved or supporting you in defusing situations or doing family admin.

Could you sit down with your DH and tell him how you feel/ask him for his thoughts with the objective of working together to get through the teenage years and decide on how to get the assessment for your DD? Maybe start by contacting her school?

Also useful to talk to each of your DC alone and find out what would make things better for them. Obviously pick your moment.

Family therapy can be very helpful in allowing parents to stand back from their lives and see them more clearly. It will also give you great ideas for managing situations so it could well be useful.

But please don’t despair too much. My DC are young adults now and bear little comparison to their teenage selves. What they do remember is a feeling of being loved despite it all, and their parents being kind and helpful.