Am I wrong to think my parents should take control of sister

[Froggles1]

Hi everyone

This could be a ginormous post but will try summarise!

My younger sister (early 20’s) is a constant pain in the family. She has always been difficult and my parents (older having her) struggled with disciplining her as she never showed remorse/gave a shit!

She got worse in her teens; constantly lying, manipulating, playing parents off against each other, pushing boundaries and more serious stuff like allegations of assault towards my parents.

There have been so many incidents to name here but despite everything she always worms her way back into the family and almost acts defiant and triumphant like she is always in the right somehow.

my parents say she is jealous of me. A few years after I had my first child she got pregnant (19 at the time). Her child is now 2.5 and she relies on my parents so much. She has her own place and a partner but she just lounges round their house every day and they wait on her hand and foot.

I am so fucking sick of it as she speaks to them like shit but then justifies it saying they don’t understand her mental health. She is also a compulsive liar - she reckons the GP told her they can’t help her with her MH as they are only treating schizophrenia at the moment 🙄like wtf.

I’m at my wits end as I never get any alone time with my parents and don’t particularly like going there when she’s there but they never can tell her no. AIBU?!?’

Stay out of it and invite your parents to your place or somewhere else making it clear she’s not invited.

Their relationship with her is clearly complicated but it’s up to them what they tolerate. They probably also want the best for her child and worry she’s not able to offer consistent parenting.

Honestly, you’re not going to change the situation. They actually created it. They might bitch and moan about it to you, but they are not going to accept responsibility and deal with it are they?

@Fraaahnces @MatildaTheCat I totally agree - I think they need to be firmer with their boundaries as she walks all over them. Further to this, she also gets so stressed with her little one and just lets them parent him. She has threatened a few times (on the odd occasion they stand up to her/it all hits boiling point) to not let them see him. My mum knows this is an empty threat but my Dad always panders to her following this. It’s just fucking exhausting. Plus my own relationship with my parents has suffered as I get so frustrated with them for not having a back bone with her.

incidentally they have no problem letting me feel let down. They get a bit upset about not seeing me much but they could easily come down to see me without her. They say things like “what choice have we got?” Ermmm she’s a grown woman tell her to get a life. She even goes with them to routine appointments like mammograms, dentist etc it’s just bizarre and like she’s still a moody teenager 😡when I try having a conversation with her like an adult she looks at me as if I smell and changes the subject but then will ask me if I fancy meeting up . She seems to think as she’s my sibling I owe her my time

I agree with a PP - you can‘t control their relationship, it‘s entirely up to your parents if that‘s how they want to live, and you need to take a step back and appreciate they are adults and are making their own choices, regardless of how you feel.

You can however control your relationship with your parents and you perhaps just need to say to them that you don‘t agree with the way she treats them and as it hurts/annoys you to see it, you won‘t visit while she‘s there, but you‘d still love to spend time with them. So they can either come to you, or you can go over when she‘s not there, but that the onus is on them to make that choice. But try not to give their relationship too much head space while doing so!

I would also, separately, keep in contact with your sister, because hopefully she‘s not irredeemable and may grow up at some point! But make it on your terms, maybe go for a drink etc, but separate it from your parents‘ relationship.

Just take a step back and only see your parents without her. Tell them clearly you do not want to be in sisters company, no discussions. Meet your parents elsewhere, just the 3 of you. Your sister sounds toxic and immature. That's not your problem though.

I had similar with my mother and brother, she would complain to me constantly about him and I would encourage her to help him fly the nest but she never has (he's mid-40s and still living at home). In the end the only thing I could do was extricate myself from the situation and I am honestly so much happier for doing so. You can't change your parents or your sister but you can change what you do.

She clearly has a mental disorder and is needing help. Not berated by family on the Internet. Its hard. But believe me its harder for her.