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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son is breaking my heart

26 replies

Menopausecrazy · 09/07/2023 22:50

My son is 16 years old and seems to have become addicted to weed. I’ve begged him and tried to educate him but he won’t listen. His mood and demeanour have changed and he is no longer recognisable. I don’t give him any money but he has a part time job. I can’t just sit back and watch him get deeper into this. He won’t go and speak to anyone and laughs at me when I get upset. Please tell me how I can stop this. He goes out with my permission.

OP posts:
Original poster
Menopausecrazy · 09/07/2023 22:51

I must also that he has become very aggressive on occasions too

OP posts:
EscapeRoomToTheSun · 09/07/2023 22:56

You're not going to be able to get him to stop unless he wants to. The best you can really hope for is to not have him smoke in the house/the morning. I think the morning is the real kicker in terms of behaviour change/impact on school.

You will not be able to reach him if you're being overwraught about it though, even if you (quite rightly) feel that way.

Original poster
Menopausecrazy · 09/07/2023 23:04

Thanks for replying. I just can’t stop getting so upset which are probably right is not helping. It’s negatively affecting my health now too. I can’t sleep or eat. If you doesn’t want to stop I don’t think any help is available to us

OP posts:
PhoenixIsFlying · 09/07/2023 23:22

As hard as it is, the more you try to persuade him not to the more he will dig his heels in.
Are you sure it's just weed? I smoked when I was a teenager . I used it really to cope with my depression. It just made me chilled out

He will probably grow out of it, or a girlfriend will persuade him not to.

Original poster
Menopausecrazy · 09/07/2023 23:35

Thanks for your reply @PhoenixIsFlying . Yes it definitely weed … I can smell it on him. Did you smoke weed or just smoke? I’ve said some terrible things tonight in temper. I want to throw him out

OP posts:
Forestfriendlygarden · 10/07/2023 00:22

I've spoken to parents before who've had this.

I'm afraid it is a case of steeling yourself for total tough love.

Repot to police.

When they say to you 'we want names' i.e the suppliers - you say to your kid that he needs to supply names.

Ive been middle class and on the poverty line and i have noticed better off households sometimes don't tackle this.

You need to find the dealers. Report to police.

Move house if necessary.

Don't allow weed smoking in your house.

He wants to do that get him out. And he stays out as long as he is smoking.

Your house, your rules.

No other way hon.

Forestfriendlygarden · 10/07/2023 00:24

And if you don't do that, he and you will have issues for twenty years plus.

Make your decision. Make it now. Take no excuses from him.

Save yourself.

PhoenixIsFlying · 10/07/2023 00:25

Both. I completely understand. I would be upset if my daughter did this.
My mum used to stress me out about it all the time. It didn't help me.
I was very depressed and rejected by my doctor, I often think had I'd been given antidepressants I probably would have stopped.
It's very hard, especially if his social circle is doing this too.
I don't really know what to suggest but adopting different tactics. Set boundaries, such as not in the house but take the pressure off him for a bit. If it's a rebellion thing then if you are not arguing with him about it then maybe that might help.
I dont really know, just trying to give you some perspective from someone who has been there. Good luck.

Caramellois · 10/07/2023 01:22

During a difficult time, I too said terrible things to one of my children when I thought they were ruining their life (although it wasn't drugs in their case). Eventually, they didn't ruin their life and turned things around. However, those terrible words I'd said blighted our relationship for a long time and it has taken years for us to get closer again.

Have you tried to talk to your son and really find out why/if he is unhappy or struggling? I find teenagers often talk in the car while being driven somewhere if that is any help. Do whatever you can to stay calm and act rationally.

Can you bribe him with something for giving up the weed? Something he really wants whether it's a dog or some piece of tech. Try to compliment him about something - one of my children was so challenging that I was reduced to saying they always found the shortest supermarket queue as I couldn't think of anything else positive to say and, strangely, they always insisted on choosing the queue after that and seemed quite proud about it.

I don't think the police are much interested in teenage weed users - hardly a drug kingpin is he. I doubt that I would force him to tell the police the name of his dealer. I would think that could be potentially very dangerous. I would think of moving to another location to try to break his association with the people he is hanging out with. I wouldn't let him smoke in the house.

nealjacob53 · 10/07/2023 01:44

i have a son who is now 43 who has always gone to work since he left school, he has a son aged 8 and will do everything for him,he doesnt live with him but sees him each 2 weeks. he smokes weed every night and drinks quite heavily, he lives in shared tenacy with 2 other people ,one of whom is my sister, they have had a lot of arguments due to his moods. ime torn because i love him but also realise that he is in the wrong.my sister has said that she doesnt want me to say anything to him.i wish that i could sort it out , when i talk to him on the phone he never mentions that there are problems, i know that he uses foul swear words to her. What can i do?

nealjacob53 · 10/07/2023 01:54

just to add my eldest son died aged 24 and his father died 7 years ago, i think that has got a lot to do with it.

CanadianReader · 10/07/2023 02:12

He isn't interested in listening to you. Is there someone who he might be open to? An adult who is more like a friend to him, maybe an uncle or cousin? If not, maybe get your doctor to spell out the problems with weed at such a young age. Tell him he's due for his annual and have him visit the Dr. Let the doctor know that you'd like him or her to address this.

RainyDate · 10/07/2023 02:27

Oh I'm in the same situation 😥My 15yo started smoking weed 6 months ago and is now a mess. He has changed from a sweet boy to being unpredictable, violent and dishonest.

I don't think there is anything you can do until they want to make the change themselves.

Police are not interested in teenage weed smokers.

Mine has been in trouble at school for weed and will be kicked out if he is caught again, but this is not deterring him. He has also been arrested twice for drug-induced violence but again, that has not changed his behaviour.

I think people who are not living with this can be very naive about it, imagining that you can somehow stop it. You can't. Physically they are huge and they have their own lives. You can't follow them about 24-7 and even if you did, they would not necessarily do as you said. The thing is, we are talking about addiction and you cannot punish someone out of an addiction. They need professional help and wraparound support.

I'm here if you want to chat.

Velvetcupcakes · 10/07/2023 02:48

So difficult. Weed is legal in Canada (where I live), and my 16 year old nephew smokes and takes edibles on a regular basis. I agree with pp that the more you push, the more they’ll push back. Often drug use and mental health go hand in hand. If he is open to getting help for possible mental health issues, it can also help with tackling the reasons behind his drug use.

Ugzbugz · 10/07/2023 03:05

Weed and getting Stoned seem so socially acceptable even on here but a line of coke and your deemed an absolute junkie blah blah.

Many people enjoy either and can cope fine recreationally but heavily taken they are no better than the other yet we seem to accept weed. Both involve the dealing aspect but weed just seems to be fine morning noon and night etc. Smoking that shit has absolutely massive consequences. You can't exactly stop him but do not allow it at home or in the garden in anyway.

AnoyDad2023 · 10/07/2023 03:10

Forestfriendlygarden · 10/07/2023 00:22

I've spoken to parents before who've had this.

I'm afraid it is a case of steeling yourself for total tough love.

Repot to police.

When they say to you 'we want names' i.e the suppliers - you say to your kid that he needs to supply names.

Ive been middle class and on the poverty line and i have noticed better off households sometimes don't tackle this.

You need to find the dealers. Report to police.

Move house if necessary.

Don't allow weed smoking in your house.

He wants to do that get him out. And he stays out as long as he is smoking.

Your house, your rules.

No other way hon.

What does being middle class have to do with it? Just needed to brag eh?

Gnittensmum · 10/07/2023 03:18

AnoyDad2023 · 10/07/2023 03:10

What does being middle class have to do with it? Just needed to brag eh?

Show quote history

It wasn’t a brag, she was explaining that she has seen it from different angles.

AnoyDad2023 · 10/07/2023 03:20

Gnittensmum · 10/07/2023 03:18

It wasn’t a brag, she was explaining that she has seen it from different angles.

Show quote history

Which would have been fine, if anyone had mentioned class.

You know. I went to university with a guy who went to a private boarding school. As rich as they come. He smokes more weed than a income support claimant.

Mumsnet classism strikes again!

fancreek · 10/07/2023 03:23

@AnoyDad2023 you've just proved the point and said the same thing as the poster you're annoyed at!

Gnittensmum · 10/07/2023 03:32

AnoyDad2023 · 10/07/2023 03:20

Which would have been fine, if anyone had mentioned class.

You know. I went to university with a guy who went to a private boarding school. As rich as they come. He smokes more weed than a income support claimant.

Mumsnet classism strikes again!

Show quote history

yeah, you’ve just said exactly the same thing as she did.

AnoyDad2023 · 10/07/2023 03:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RainyDate · 10/07/2023 04:38

Class, my arse. Drugs can be found in all socio economic groupings. Besides, who cares? It's about finding a way through the maze. It's a hard one.

Forestfriendlygarden · 10/07/2023 08:23

AnoyDad2023 · 10/07/2023 03:10

What does being middle class have to do with it? Just needed to brag eh?

Show quote history

No not bragging. At all. Spelled it out that I've seen and experienced the issue in both worlds. Both. Don't make assumptions.

Forestfriendlygarden · 10/07/2023 08:25

Gnittensmum · 10/07/2023 03:18

It wasn’t a brag, she was explaining that she has seen it from different angles.

Show quote history

Thanks for understanding what I was trying to say. Really appreciate your post G.

sandgrown · 10/07/2023 08:37

My son started college and got in with a different group of friends. They were smoking weed in his bedroom. We never said anything but searched his room and found some cannabis and associated paraphernalia. We disposed of everything. He never questioned us and we never mentioned it but the friends stopped coming round . He didn’t seem to be smoking out of the house either. Much younger son had a similar phase but dropped the friend who smoked weed heavily and then stopped . He is now very much into fitness . Is your son about to leave school ? Maybe a different friendship group would help . Hang in there OP snd hope it’s just a phase .