To think about financial help from parents?

[sentinent]

My parents are wealthy, so are my two siblings (who are married to wealthy individuals too). I'm a single mum and not. I was badly abused by my mother until I left home at 17 to go to uni, then left the country soon after I qualified. My relationship with my parents is "good". I take my DC back to my home country once a year to see them, have a weekly call with them and text daily. During my divorce 6 years ago, they didn't help at all financially with lawyers fees and knew that my exh had stopped paying maintenance. I borrowed money from friends. I haven't been able to buy a house yet, so still renting. Until last year, my DC was the only grandchild.

My mum just doesn't like me very much. Not sure if my existence or my relationship with my DD causes her guilt because she was truly awful to me, and DD & I have the best relationship. Dad has early dementia and my mum made it clear that any inheritance will be going to grandchildren only, not children. I know we're not supposed to rely on parents financially, and I don't at all. I'm 44 now. But aibu to sometimes wonder why they don't offer?

Oh and they regularly give money to mum's family.

You’ve done well despite your parents; I would not expect your mother to change. Do what you can to look after your own mental health - it must be hard to feel so unloved.

To wonder? YANBU. Witnessing the disparity between you and your siblings won’t make anyone wonder. But there’s really nothing you can do about it. Your parents know they’re being unequal in how they treat their kids, pointing it out won’t change anything.

You do get to decide for yourself if the relationship is worth it for you. Do the positives outweigh the pain of the negatives? Cause I understand, it’s not about the money, it’s about the favouritism.

FTR, I was the scapegoat in my FOO. My younger siblings were supported emotionally and financially in ways I could only dream about. And it hurt like hell. My mother literally bragged about having favourite children. My younger sibling was THE ULTIMATE FAVOURITE and my youngest sibling came after them. The only times I was first pick was when they needed someone to blame and when discussing elder care. It was made very clear I was expected to shoulder that responsibility. I laughed and told my mother that it was up to her favourites, I wouldn’t even vote on which nursing home they chose.

I’ve been NC for over a decade now, for other reasons. No regrets.

@ChubbyMorticia yes, my mum openly talks about her favourite too! (& her second favourite)
I don't intend to bring it up, and I have long accepted that my mum won't change, was just wondering if it was entitled to even sometimes wonder about this...
Re pros and cons, I want my daughter to have known her grandparents, and the geographical distance means that I can control the contact.

...also the oldest of 3.

Money aside, I can’t understand perusing a relationship that seems to be so damaging and hurtful to you and exposing your daughter to it. I had a horrible grandmother and it was fear and obligation that kept her in my mum’s life, and ours. We all regret it. Seeing the upset she caused my mum was genuinely traumatic over time. I’d give the whole dynamic a rethink.

*persuing

Not unreasonable to wonder. Thoughts are free!

If you want to buy a house and are struggling with the deposit, have you considered asking for help? Either from your parents or from your siblings? If your mum says no, would it make your relationship any worse than it is now?

Have you ever spoken to her about your relationship or how it makes you feel when she talks about your siblings being her favourites?

@AnneLovesGilbert food for thought... My DD doesn't know about how she was to me previously, but notices little things in the present: like how we took loads of presents for the family at Christmas and my parents bought the other siblings gifts and nothing for me (silly thing and tbh it was out of mind the next day, but DD11, was outraged ☺️)

@Gettingfleeced I have hinted. I did outright ask for help with legal costs, but didn't approve of getting lawyers involved, so refused help.

Absolutely no point in discussing things with her. She is a master gaslighter and will end up crying pretending to be the victim.

...sorry, THEY didn't approve of getting lawyers involved, so they refused help.

I don't know why you persist with this horrible relationship. Your daughter does not need to know these people or have them in her life and neither do you.
Do you expect to inherit when they die? - not being nasty just that it's certainly the only reason I would continue with contact with people who don't actually like me.
In fact, no, not even then. I'd tell them all to fuck off.

This must hurt a lot OP.

My parents have done the same - left everything to their GC in their will and never helped me financially - but have for my Dsis. It is their choice to which they are perfectly entitled to - but it is not one I understand as I would not dream of treating my dc like that.

I do know that I was never the favoured child anyway - but that they still expect me to go the extra mile for them. And I did - for a long time. But I don't anymore as I've come to realise their relationship with me was toxic and that we only really saw each other out of obligation and guilt rather than out of genuine love or interest - sadly.

Ultimately it is your parents' money and they can spend or gift it as they see fit. I think the only thing you can do if you need their financial help is to ask, as it sounds as if they will never offer.