That two parents working doesn’t work

[Itsmyshadow]

We have 3 DCs aged 8, 4 and 1. DH works full time. I have recently returned from mat leave doing 4 days per week. On my day off I have DC4 and DC1 at home and a large part of that is taken up with swimming lessons.

I feel like I’m failing at everything to be honest. House is a state, am not on top of my work, kids in nursery and after school club for long hours, and don’t even get me started on the amount of after school sporting activities DC1 does which don’t really fit with going to work.

DH is a great dad, does his fair share with the kids, does 50% of the school / nursery runs, and most of DC1’s after school sporting stuff (whilst I have the younger two). He could pull his weight a bit more with the housework but gets off his bottom when I huff and puff / nag, and does all of the DIY and garden. Like most women I carry the mental load, doing all the school, nursery, medical admin etc.

I feel like I need to do a real half arsed job of my work on my wfh days to keep on top of the washing / house / kid admin / kid homework (saw a thread on here the other day about that), but workload / conscience won’t let me do that, and that doesn’t solve for the fact that DC1 has football at 5:30 on a Tuesday or hockey at 6pm on a Wednesday and if I finish at 5pm and I’m in the office, those timings don’t work.

We have a cleaner and a robot vacuum, but I still can’t keep on top of all the crap all around the house (paintings from nursery, party bag loot, paper admin that needs addressing, magazines etc), and feel like the kids get given toys / grow out of clothes much faster than I can get sort through the old ones. Result is a massive mess of a playroom that I keep getting half through sorting before the kids mess it up again and there’s nowhere for everything to go.

Don’t talk to me about TOMM or similar. I’m not lacking motivation or direction. I spend hours per week washing and putting away clothes, batch cooking, sorting through piles of stuff, firefighting cleaning tasks (usually when something mouldy is discovered or someone has spilt something somewhere), but no sooner is something done it’s a complete mess again.

So those of you who work a lot of hours and have young kids. How are you managing? Do you spend hours every evening cooking and cleaning (how do you find the energy if so?), and how to you manage the demands of kids after school activities / social lives?

Being homeless and hungry doesn't work either

I doubt doubt the professionalism of staff, but this is not really the point. Under 2 year-olds don't need to learn to 'socialise' - they are still playing side by side at that age and, even if they are developing some basic social skills, they don't need to be learning this all day! A few play dates at home, or mum / dad taking them to the play park or whatever is more natural. A parent can read to them and play. They also need down time and space (and I don't mean scheduled naps with all the other kids - it's not the same). 8-5 or similar is a long m, intense day for an adult - let alone a baby / toddler. A half day several days a week from the age of 2.5 or 3 years is more than enough - but not 5 full days a week. It's too much and too rigid to be in the same environment with the same kids for years at that very young age. It's institutionalising. Plenty of time for all that when school comes, and it does soon enough. Its not in children's interests - its parent's convenience. Fair enough, but let's not pretend otherwise because it's common sense.

Not everone has to be there all day every day. Most are not. You have funny views not based on reality. You might find that your child won’t cope as well when school comes. Then you will likely blame the teachers..
Common sense and all that.

They don't need to be in nursery full time for years to be ready for school. A few hours playgroup a few days a week from maybe age 3 is fine, plus you socialise and prepare them for school yourself. These are babies / toddlers.

Again, I did not say full time. Most are not. We’ll have to agree to disagree. I’m
a nursery teacher with 4 years in uni, and I worked as a nanny in England going to endless playgroups. Nothing wrong with either of them, but it’s quite silly even to compare. You underestimate toddlers.

Of course it's in their best interests. A roof over their head, food in their tummies, if the alternative is a miserable parent at home because work is good for their mental health etc.

One thing I would definitely do in your position is have a cleaner in every day. I would want her to tidy as well and do the beds etc and maybe start to prepare the dinner. If you could fix so that the only thing you have to worry about in the evenings, is the children than that would make your life a lot easier.

You're so lucky to have a cleaner and a playroom!

A cleaner every day! Lol 😂

Why should anyone else care about what the other is doing? Posters are discussing options. One option is to stay home if you can afford to. I don’t give two hoots about what anyone else is doing. That’s on them just as my choice to raise my own child is mine.

@determinedtomakethiswork I'd say a cleaner every day is serious money. I have one weekly and I was even apprehensive about that but they make my life a ton easier!

I think it's more the insinuation from some that you can't possibly be a present and involved parent if you're working full time that is irritating people.

Let alone one who’ll tidy up, make the beds and start the dinner!

I'm an extremely present parent even though I'm a single parent but the difference is I wfh and my employer gives me a ton of flexibility so I do all the pick ups/drop offs, school events plus I'm a school rep. I'd say I do a ton more than some of the couples where one parent is SAHM as they aren't at events or have nannies collecting their children. I wouldnt be able to manage as well if I had to go into the office more regularly as its just me. But as a SAHM parent, it would undoubtedly be much easier.

They also need down time and space (and I don't mean scheduled naps with all the other kids - it's not the same).

Blimey! Scheduled naps? Is that happening in the conveniently crap imaginary nursery in your head that you think working parents send their children to, or did you go out of your way to find such appalling care for your own child?

Decluttering will help a lot. It's managing all the stuff that takes the time. Declutter everything you can ( especially toys and clothes) and you'll have less to manage and basically pick up and move from place to place.

You have my sympathy though, I have 2 kids and work 4 days and it's hard!

"Blimey! Scheduled naps? Is that happening.."

Yes of course it is. A nursery I went into, they had those plastic playmats and large 3D cushioned shapes and at a certain time, they told the toddlers to lie down on these and have a nap for 1-2 hours. Didn't even give them blankets or anything. Loads of them just lying there on foam plastic covered mats.

Nothing like that at the nursery mine went to.

WTF is the point of having children, if you're just going to palm them on on various 'caregivers?

People write the kind of shite quote above because they are insecure about the decisions they have made for their own families and feel the need lash out at others who've chosen, or have, to make different decisions.

I feel sorry for these people. It is sad that they aren't confident about their choices and seek validation by attacking others.

@Citrines *"Blimey! Scheduled naps? Is that happening.."

Yes of course it is.*

Do you think scheduled naps only happen at nursery?? I don’t know a single person with a 6m-2.5year old who doesn’t have a routine with scheduled naps.

Sissynova - I was quoting another poster who was questioning scheduled naps for babies / toddlers.

Fandabedodgy - some people are insecure about all kinds of things. But also, people have opinions about things they would not do and that's it. For instance, if you said, 'I think full time boarding school is wrong at age 7,' that's not because you're insecure about your own child's school arrangements. It's because boarding school is just something you yourself could not imagine for your child and would never consider.

@Sissynova to be fair mine were both so rubbish at naps that scheduling them was a bit useless. Nursery handled it, and had proper beds. Naps were on an as needed basis - DC2 dropped all naps before age 2 and nursery just dealt with it. They were both epic sleepers at night though.

My baby has scheduled naps at home as well as at nursery. They have a sleeping area off of the main room (no door) which has actual cots for them to nap in.

In the main room, they have several different areas such as messy play, book area with puppets, sensory area with treasure baskets etc but they also have a cosy quiet area for them if they just want to relax for a bit.

Not all nurseries are the same. Imagine that.

There's a difference between saying ''I wouldn't use a nursery for my own child'' and ''Why do people bother having children if they are just going to farm them out to nurseries?''.

I would never use the words 'farm out' or ask 'why bother having kids' because it's unnecessary and antagonistic.