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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt by DH's family announcing things

19 replies

drivinmecrazy · 09/07/2023 19:46

I'm away with DD2. Was just checking my FB and top post was DHs niece announcing her pregnancy.
We were only talking to DH & DD1 twenty minutes before and it wasn't mentioned.
Apparently MIL told them this morning but asked them not to tell anyone (not sure who she thought we'd tell!!).
Now DD2 is quite upset that they didn't tell her and she had to find out by me showing her the FB post.

A few months ago a similar thing happened. A friend messaged me (I was away again) to ask if I knew that DHs cousin had died that morning.
Again had no idea so rang DH who said he'd known hours earlier but MIL, again, asked him not to tell anyone.

I'm feeling, to be honest, so hurt and angry.

Can just about accept I'm in the 'other' category but surely not my DD!

There is no back story. Have always got on well with his family. Admittedly over the years I've withdrawn slightly because of their behaviour but have always encouraged a good relationship between them and DH & DDs.
Feel like not bothering at all now.

AIBU not to foster relations any more and let them just fester in their own horridness

OP posts:

Diddykong · 09/07/2023 19:53

Surely this is on your dh? He's the one deciding that you don't get to know. When your mil says don't tell anyone she's probably meaning beyond dh AND you.

BuntyMcHooves · 09/07/2023 19:56

What behaviour of theirs has made you withdraw? I have odd/rude/selfish in laws and I have tried to back off but DH needs the emotional support around them.

gah2teenagers · 09/07/2023 19:58

How weird of your DH.

Irishstout · 09/07/2023 19:59

If your DH knows and doesn't tell you that's on DH rather than MIL. She can ask him not to tell you but tbh I think that most people assume 'don't tell anyone' excludes your spouse.

Original poster

drivinmecrazy · 09/07/2023 21:19

That's my kind of view, that a spouse isn't 'everyone'.
Behaviour that has made me withdraw is primarily the complete lack of interest in our children.
MIL has never asked after our girls unless prompted.
She has no idea where they are in their lives despite DH bringing them up in conversation.
I think she feels as if they are closer to my mum but that's because my mother takes an interest.
I'm pretty much done being an outsider after thirty years. I've made excuses in the past for her behaviour but I'm beyond that now.
It's my DD I feel for, she's not just anyone.
I'm also slightly regretting the futile years that I've tried to nurture relations between her and our children.

I'm just venting really. Posting this isn't going to change anything.
Guess I was just disappointed that, yet again, me and the girls have been marginalised.

OP posts:

UndercoverCop · 09/07/2023 21:21

I don't understand why this is on your MIL? It's your husband keeping things from you.

KateReddy · 09/07/2023 21:22

You must be fuming, is your DH always such an arse?

angelikacpickles · 09/07/2023 21:22

Your DH is being ridiculous in not telling you something because his mummy told him not to.

Coralsunset · 09/07/2023 21:24

Yeah this appears to be a DH problem…

Theunamedcat · 09/07/2023 21:25

This latest is on DH but your mil in general seems hurtful

Lavender14 · 09/07/2023 21:29

This isn't on your mil, this is fully on your dh choosing not to tell you and seeing you as 'other'. It may be that he takes it very seriously when anyone says don't tell anyone then he doesn't. But when it comes to people you're likely to be around I would expect him to give you a heads up. Does he apply this principle with all people who tell him privileged info or is it just when it's his mum? If it applies across the board then I'd be more accepting of it, if its just 'within the family' then I'd be angry because you are within the family.

I would argue that your choice to have children doesn't mean your mil needs to be interested in your dds... my mum for example likes seeing my ds when I'm there so she's no need of nappies etc and has no interest in babysitting or whatever else. She's just happy to see him when she sees him. My in laws by contrast are constantly asking after him, wanting to mind him and cook us dinner weekly so they can see him. I accept that my mum is grandparenting as she sees fit which is her choice. He'll be closer to my in laws but that's the result of her choice. Same rules apply for your mil.

Snoken · 09/07/2023 21:48

I agree that neither of those two examples are your mil’s fault, it’s your dh. He is interpreting her too literally. She doesn’t mean don’t tell your kids and wife, she means don’t go around talking about it until all of the closest family know about it. Your anger is misplaced.

Lacucuracha · 09/07/2023 21:50

I would withdraw even further from MIL. Tell DH not to tell her your news.

TimeToRecover · 09/07/2023 21:52

You have a ‘Husband’ issue !

WonderfulUsername · 09/07/2023 21:53

My DH wouldn't keep this sort of thing from me.

He'd just tell his mum he's going to share the news with me.

Northernparent68 · 09/07/2023 21:54

As has been said it’s your husband’s fault, but why are you so concerned about your husband’s niece and cousin? Do you actually have a relationship with your husband’s extended family.

DowntonCrabby · 09/07/2023 21:55

Diddykong · 09/07/2023 19:53

Surely this is on your dh? He's the one deciding that you don't get to know. When your mil says don't tell anyone she's probably meaning beyond dh AND you.

This

phoenixrosehere · 09/07/2023 22:10

Irishstout · 09/07/2023 19:59

If your DH knows and doesn't tell you that's on DH rather than MIL. She can ask him not to tell you but tbh I think that most people assume 'don't tell anyone' excludes your spouse.

She can ask him not to tell you but tbh I think that most people assume 'don't tell anyone' excludes your spouse.

There was a thread about this sort of thing not too long ago and it was quite split. I would take ‘don’t tell anyone’ as just that unless the person specifically said if they minded if DH knew.

Saying that, I would find the latter about a funeral very strange because why would that need to be a secret.

The pregnancy announcement however I don’t understand why it makes any difference who knew first that the niece was pregnant.

JudgeRudy · 09/07/2023 22:14

I disagree with others who say this is on your OH. If someone told me something but said don't tell anyone (including spouse) I wouldn't. If I didn't want to have 'secrets' then I'd say don't tell me. It's not his information to share.
I get your a bit hurt as I think this indicates that you're not considered part of the family, however you've said you've backed off a bit because of their behaviour so lm guessing you're not especially close. I don't think you get a 'inclusive' card just because you're married to MILs son.
If for example your own cousin had died would you be going out of your way to ensure MIL knew?

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