To feel hurt by being ghosted when my friend no longer needs my support?

[FuckYouCate]

I've got a friend whose in an emotional abuse marriage. She has long phases where she stays with him and won't contact me, won't reply to my messages asking how she is. Then she'll decide to try to leave him again and for a month or two she'll message me 10 to 50 times a day and phone me too and keep asking me to tell her that what he's doing isn't right. She'll send me links to videos about abuse asking me to agree that her husband acts in this way, she'll want me to listen to his abuse that she's recorded, she'll want to go for two hour walks where all she talks about is how awful he is and how she needs to leave, she'll ask for my advice on how to access solicitors/DV support. And I give her info and support and practical suggestions for how to leave every time she asks.

And then she'll go back to him again and it's radio silence. Doesn't keep in touch, doesn't reply to my messages. Months of nothing.

Then she'll decide to try to leave again (I say try because she never stays away for long) and it's back to incessant WhatsApps all hours of the day and night.

I've put up with this for over 15 years because I want her to feel strong enough to leave him, and I know it's very hard to leave an abuser and can take many women a lot of attempts. And because I worry about her 3 kids who are stuck in this situation. And also because most other people she knows are sick of the 'either shit or get off the pot' endlessness of it all. The cycle of almost leaving and then not or temporarily leaving and then going back.

But AIBU to feel downright fucking hurt that she drops me like a stone whenever she decides to go back into denial that her marriage is ok? Am I allowed to feel really fucking annoyed that she ghosts me every time I'm no longer of any direct use to her as a source of emotional support?

As an example, in May she was in a phase of trying to leave him and I've just added up that she sent me 468 WhatsApp messages that month. We had 8 voice calls too and we met up for walks at least four times.

She went back to him on June 6 and since then she's not messaged me once and she's left four messages from me asking how she is on read.

It's shit, right? Despite everything she's dealing with living with that prick, it's shit?

Before anyone asks it's not that he won't let her reply or checks her phone. He is physically and in terms of her possessions completely hands off. It's emotionally that he's a horrible abusive bastard.

Are there any nice parts of your friendship where you meet up and have a two way conversation and a laugh?

No @Mingomang but there used to be lots. I guess I'm hoping that comes back. I also feel really sorry for her because she is very funny and smart and good fun but she has been changed a lot by her horrible situation.

Two way conversation never happens any more. She might ask me how I am but just as a prelude to telling me how shitty things are for her. And I genuinely don't mind that imbalance if it was helping but me being a periodic emotional support animal doesn't actually seem to have improved her life at all. I'm just very sad about it all.

If it was just the once, I’d say she was embarrassed about going back to him after everything she said to the contrary, but given it happens over and over again, she’s being unreasonable and selfish, and doesn’t seem to bring anything to your relationship.

The abuse sounds terrible but the way she behaves when she is in contact with you is way over the top. It’s not normal to bombard someone like this and shows. I regard for you.
I think it’s time to say goodbye to this friendship. It was good but it doesn’t sound as if it can be good again.

Disregard

She's using you. No doubt she probably talks crap about you when she's back with him too.

Sorry you are feeling this way, OP. I understand why it hurts.
It sounds like she's using you for emotional dumping rather than true friendship. It must be really draining as she unloads all that negativity on you.
She isn't a child and you aren't her parent - it's her responsibility to regulate herself rather than getting enmeshed with you like that. It all sounds very toxic to me, I would say end the friendship if you can, but I know it may not be easy. You need your emotional energy for your own life.

You’re a support appliance now rather than a real human.
Honestly I would dump and not look back.

I think that I would send her a message saying what you've said here and tell her that you're done with playing that role in her life. She's in a crappy position, for sure, but that doesn't mean she gets to be shitty to you.

Don't feel guilty in ending this friendship OP. She is not considering your emotional wellbeing at all, either when she is in touch, or when she's not. At the very least, I'd make myself far less available - and also tell her how she is making you feel. There is, I suppose, a chance that she is so consumed by her situation that she doesn't realise she is at risk of losing a friend.

Thanks everyone. You've confirmed that I'm justified in drawing a line.

It might actually be helpful for her if you do draw the boundary. Get her out of the rut of using you but then going back to him.

Yeah, draw the line under it.

But not sure I would message her or tell her she is dumped. Don't poke the hornets nest.

Just mentally move on and work out a polite "that doesn't work for me anymore" response for when she contacts you the next time.

I was in this position for a few years and found it really traumatic (there was physical and sexual abuse).

She finally left and moved straight on to a new partner and would ask me to do childcare favours so she could go shag the new boyfriend. Every now and then she asks me to proofread her Uni work (has English as a second language) and other than that I am of no use to her so she doesn't bother with me.

Yanbu to feel how you do and I would do whatever you need to do for you at this point.