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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have brought this up?

20 replies

kittycat265 · 09/07/2023 17:42

My neighbour is 44 and has an 8 year old.

I also have an 8 year old. They were best friends until last week.

Last week my child's friend came to me and told me that her mother had shouted at my daughter "really loud" she also disclosed some other things re their home life that are a shock but not relevant to this situation.

I asked the mother if she had shouted at my child and she stated no, whilst her child said "yes you did" every time she tried to say she had not. I told her it wasn't something I'd personally do. The conversation ended and an hour later she's ringing my bell and stating she did not want them playing for a while. I agreed as I had been stressed by both their behaviours deteriorating around each other. Her daughter had tried to teach my daughter to twerk etc something I find I appropriate for their age group.

I thought he discussed it maturely but today it's been brought to my attention she has involved people from my child's school (we go to different schools) and stated a completely different version of events, including "banning" her child from playing with mine (after I heard the shocking admissions, it wasn't happening anyway) I am in complete disbelief and quite angry.

also has involved our other neighbour who is also 30 something and has acted cold toward me since, it just seems so dramatic and over the top to me.

I am a professional 30 something with three children. I have never tried to communicate with other parents and have such a crazy result:

Am I unreasonable here?

OP posts:
warmmfeet · 09/07/2023 17:50

It all sounds a bit dramatic and weird. I don't think you are being unreasonable
I wouldn't want my child to be involved in all that either. She's obviously feeling insecure about it and so she's spreading her version of events. Try not to rise to it. People can usually see the truth of these things, even if it takes time.

I am a bit confused by the relevance of a 44 year old having an 8 year old? When I'm 44 I will also have an 8 year old. What does that mean?

rubyslippers · 09/07/2023 17:54

Not sure what the relevance of the parents ages is
but this can happen - parents get defensive, children fall out and inevitability some people don’t want to look bad
re twerking - other people may or may influence your child to do worse and vice Versa - part and parcel of growing up
if not bother mentioning anything to anyone and just get on with things
it’s nearly the summer hols

Callyem · 09/07/2023 18:29

What was the reason behind her shouting at your daughter? What is it she is potentially spreading to other parents?

ShiteRider · 09/07/2023 18:31

What’s with all the ages? How are they relevant to anything?

Terrribletwos · 09/07/2023 18:32

What did your daughter say about it all?

SBHon · 09/07/2023 18:34

What’s the relevance of the ages of both neighbours and you?

I would be annoyed by it too but let it all blow over.

UndercoverCop · 09/07/2023 18:34

I think the ages are relevant, I might have assumed your neighbour was a teenager otherwise.
Just step back and steer clear.
She's trying to get ahead of the game in case you disclose the "shocking things" , this way you're discredited in the sender people might set it as a retaliation to get barring your child from playing with hers.
Your daughter is definitely better off away from this family. I do feel for the neighbour's daughter though

Original poster
kittycat265 · 09/07/2023 18:36

warmmfeet · 09/07/2023 17:50

It all sounds a bit dramatic and weird. I don't think you are being unreasonable
I wouldn't want my child to be involved in all that either. She's obviously feeling insecure about it and so she's spreading her version of events. Try not to rise to it. People can usually see the truth of these things, even if it takes time.

I am a bit confused by the relevance of a 44 year old having an 8 year old? When I'm 44 I will also have an 8 year old. What does that mean?

Because I read it back and felt it sounded so pathetic and immature that people would think we were very young to be honest!

We are mid/late thirties and other parties involved are early/late 40s... my mum genuinely thought I was on about the children when I tried to explain.

OP posts:
SBHon · 09/07/2023 18:36

UndercoverCop · 09/07/2023 18:34

I think the ages are relevant, I might have assumed your neighbour was a teenager otherwise.
Just step back and steer clear.
She's trying to get ahead of the game in case you disclose the "shocking things" , this way you're discredited in the sender people might set it as a retaliation to get barring your child from playing with hers.
Your daughter is definitely better off away from this family. I do feel for the neighbour's daughter though

You’d have assumed the parent of an eight year old was a teenager? Making them 10 or 11 when they gave birth…

Original poster
kittycat265 · 09/07/2023 18:41

Callyem · 09/07/2023 18:29

What was the reason behind her shouting at your daughter? What is it she is potentially spreading to other parents?

They were due to go to Thorpe Park, my child and hers as well as 2 other children in another car. My daughter was hesitating putting her seat belt on as she had a bad stomach and the other kids mum apparently just started shouting. Didn't ask twice, just lost it.

I personally would have said put your seat belt on or your mum will have to collect you and you cannot join us. I would fully have supported firm boundaries but not the way in which this lady lost her temper. My own child said it was really loud, almost a scream and she has called both kids liars. Hers is brave tho as stood up to her and said she did shout.

Despite how I felt I tried to be empathetic and kind in my approach. I even told her I respected her decision and so would my child and I wish her the best. This still happened I'm just shocked and kind of baffled by how much her true self has been shown.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 09/07/2023 18:42

Did you get to bottom of what your daughter did to cause the other mum to shout? Not saying it was right she shouted, but a bit of context would be good.

Createausername1970 · 09/07/2023 18:42

Sorry, you answered as I was typing!

Original poster
kittycat265 · 09/07/2023 18:43

UndercoverCop · 09/07/2023 18:34

I think the ages are relevant, I might have assumed your neighbour was a teenager otherwise.
Just step back and steer clear.
She's trying to get ahead of the game in case you disclose the "shocking things" , this way you're discredited in the sender people might set it as a retaliation to get barring your child from playing with hers.
Your daughter is definitely better off away from this family. I do feel for the neighbour's daughter though

This was my mindset... SBhon has a good point re our kids ages but I didn't even think about it that deeply.

No offence or ageism was meant in including our ages. Im going to be 44 in no time, I just wanted to give a full a clear picture of those involved.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 09/07/2023 18:44

What does a bad stomach mean? Was she ill?

Sirzy · 09/07/2023 18:46

So you trust the other mother enough to take your child out for the day but not enough to discipline her when she is being silly. An 8 year old should know seat belts are a non negotiable

pimplebum · 09/07/2023 18:47

Yes I'm confused by the addition if she's as an older mum I find this bit offensive

You seem to both like drama
Is there excitement missing from both your lives ?

The only way for this to stop is to be nice to everyone and never talk about it , if anyone mentions it say " the girls play occasionally , everything is fine ". Denial to any gossip mongers

pimplebum · 09/07/2023 18:49

You are focusing on the wrong thing
I'd want to know what my daughter did that made a neighbour be annoyed with her
Your daughter was naughty and you have totally glossed over that but

Original poster
kittycat265 · 09/07/2023 18:53

Createausername1970 · 09/07/2023 18:44

What does a bad stomach mean? Was she ill?

She has IBS (as do I) and sometimes her stomach hurts due to gasses. I wouldn't send my unwell child to a theme park.

OP posts:
Original poster
kittycat265 · 09/07/2023 18:55

pimplebum · 09/07/2023 18:47

Yes I'm confused by the addition if she's as an older mum I find this bit offensive

You seem to both like drama
Is there excitement missing from both your lives ?

The only way for this to stop is to be nice to everyone and never talk about it , if anyone mentions it say " the girls play occasionally , everything is fine ". Denial to any gossip mongers

No not really, me asking someone if they shouted at my child is hardly dramatic... unless your bar for drama is incredibly low?

I have also not repeated a single word of what transpired to anyone we both know, have kept it quite respectful.

I also don't think the other parent likes drama ordinarily, if I felt that I wouldn't need to ask on this post as I'd have my answer would I not?

OP posts:
Howdoesitworkagain · 09/07/2023 20:51

It sounds like you were quite adversarial in your approach by asking straight out if she shouted at your child. Kids can sometimes exaggerate on the “shouting” thing so I would have taken that with a pinch of salt and said to her “were they ok for you / did they behave” which opens it up for her to say “they were fine, but I did have to tell them off once for not putting seat belts on..”

I think you’ve probably jumped the gun a bit and it’s become a much bigger thing than it needed to be. Hopefully it’ll blow over.

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