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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To chase up a really busy person

26 replies

Sellmeout · 09/07/2023 09:29

Posted about this before. Got offered this great career opportunity to speak at an event, through someone I had had a fling with. Was unsure whether to follow-up on it because the guy kept going quiet.

MN encouraged me to go for it anyway and try to secure the opportunity, which I did!

The problem is, while it’s definitely confirmed, getting any info has been like pulling teeth. I need to know how long I’m speaking for, whether there will be Q&A, what time it is. In fact, I’m not even sure what night I’m speaking on.

While he’s confirmed it’s going ahead, everything’s been a one word answer, so I loath to chase up. I assume he’s really busy (or maybe just rude, who knows!).

This is career defining for me though and I really don’t want to mess it up!

AIBU just to list my questions and expect answers? It really doesn’t feel like something I want to be winging. It’s only 3 weeks away now and I’m completely unprepared!

OP posts:
Jibo · 09/07/2023 09:47

He's probably not the event organiser? Send another email asking to be put directly in touch with the event organisers. If you don't get an answer, track them down directly.

KnickerlessParsons · 09/07/2023 10:12

I wouldn't do it in the circs you describe. It all sounds very unprofessional and you'll do more harm than good to your career if it all goes tits up.
What's the event? I agree with going direct to the organiser. Can you be 100% sure you're actually engaged to speak? I would have expected comms from the official organiser confirming everything and giving all the details you need, including info about what you can and can't say during your talk - eg that it must be non political say, in a talk about the NHS.

CurlewKate · 09/07/2023 10:13

It's not Juice Plus, is it?

Original poster
Sellmeout · 09/07/2023 10:22

He had a sub-event within a larger conference so yes he is absolutely the person to answer my questions.

He had asked me if I’d be at the conference and if so, did I want to give this particular talk.

I’d said I hadn’t planned to go but would go if the opportunity was definitely there.

He assured me it was absolutely there and has responded (albeit sparingly) to any questions I’ve had. But now it’s crunch time and I really really have to prepare!

I’ve got a list of 5 questions (timing of event, exact topics to cover, how long I speak for, etc…)and once I have that info, I’m good to go!

Without it though, I’m kind of in the dark.

I don’t want to annoy him but equally my own reputation is on the line and he’s the only one with the answers.

OP posts:
1ittlegreen · 09/07/2023 10:25

Tell him you appreciate the opportunity but unfortunately you won't be able to go ahead without this key information.

Who does he think he is? Bloody rude for treating a speaker at his event like that. He should be chasing you and giving you the running order etc....

Sunnyfeelgood · 09/07/2023 10:27

Could this be worked out with an old fashioned telephone call?

Original poster
Sellmeout · 09/07/2023 10:29

Sunnyfeelgood · 09/07/2023 10:27

Could this be worked out with an old fashioned telephone call?

I thought of this. I may go down this road.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sellmeout · 09/07/2023 10:32

1ittlegreen · 09/07/2023 10:25

Tell him you appreciate the opportunity but unfortunately you won't be able to go ahead without this key information.

Who does he think he is? Bloody rude for treating a speaker at his event like that. He should be chasing you and giving you the running order etc....

This is what I can’t work out. His reputation in engaging me as a speaker is as much on the line as mine is, so I can’t figure out why he’s being so vague and elusive. He was the one who offered me the opportunity in the first place. It’s really really odd!

OP posts:
GentlemanJay · 09/07/2023 10:34

Wow. Who would have thought that talking to someone on the phone may resolve the issue?

Original poster
Sellmeout · 09/07/2023 10:35

Just for to give more colours (was trying not to give too much info away but I guess this gives context), there were threr potential things he wanted me to do - either moderate a panel, be on the panel, or give my own talk. He told me this maybe three weeks ago.

He said he wasn’t sure which but he’d get back to me. He didn’t.

I finally chased him up and he said literally one word ‘moderate’.

So that’s all I have.

I need a ton of info before l go ahead and do this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sellmeout · 09/07/2023 10:37

GentlemanJay · 09/07/2023 10:34

Wow. Who would have thought that talking to someone on the phone may resolve the issue?

Well yes, but it’s not really the medium of communication that I’m struggling with. It’s getting any info out of him. I’m not sure whether a phone call will help, as he could just ignore it!

OP posts:
GentlemanJay · 09/07/2023 10:39

If he ignored the phone call, I would suggest it ain't happening.

HeidiUpTheMountain · 09/07/2023 10:40

If he now only wants you to moderate a discussion, that won’t require the same prep as making a presentation, and is nowhere near as high profile. I’ve taken on moderating at a couple of hours’ notice in the past, and it’s no big deal. How far away is the date of the event?

To be honest, if he is a former shag, I would be suspicious he’s just lining you up to be at the conference in order to carry on your liaison, and dangling this ‘opportunity’ (evaluate carefully how big an opportunity it really is) to make sure you’re there.

KnickerlessParsons · 09/07/2023 10:43

He had a sub-event within a larger conference so yes he is absolutely the person to answer my questions

Still doesn't sound official to me. And if that's the way he's liaising with the guests on his panel, I'm pretty sure that the event isn't going to happen.

I'd forget about it if I were you. Find something better to do that day.

LlynTegid · 09/07/2023 10:45

Phone, if that fails, perhaps accept it is not going to happen and decline.

Trisolaris · 09/07/2023 10:46

I’d see three weeks as still a fair way away for moderating a discussion and that some details may still need firming up at this stage.

Original poster
Sellmeout · 09/07/2023 10:51

KnickerlessParsons · 09/07/2023 10:43

He had a sub-event within a larger conference so yes he is absolutely the person to answer my questions

Still doesn't sound official to me. And if that's the way he's liaising with the guests on his panel, I'm pretty sure that the event isn't going to happen.

I'd forget about it if I were you. Find something better to do that day.

The event itself, with his name attached to his part of it, has been hugely publicised.

He seems sure he’ll want me there to moderate but I agree, it seems really bizarre.

The only circumstance I can see where I get totally screwed over is if I show up and suddenly he says I won’t be moderating after all (which is exactly what I’m trying to avoid).

I was very explicit that I would only come if he was certain, and that was the one message to which he did reply with a fair bit of info (where he said he was absolutely certain, he just wasn’t sure which of the 3 roles it would be).

It’s such a an odd situation and I can’t figure it out at all.

I don’t think it’s a sex thing either. There have been plenty of other opportunities to cross paths if he’d wanted to, and it’s never happened.

Completely baffled, honestly!

OP posts:
Starseeking · 09/07/2023 10:54

These type of events are usually advertised within the appropriate circles/audience to encourage more attendees.

If I were you, the first thing I'd be doing is looking at the online conference brochure to check if I've been listed on there as a presenter in whichever form.

If I wasn't listed on the online brochure, I'd email the contact querying this, and also saying that you need this list of information answered by x date otherwise you will no longer be able to attend, as it's too short notice.

If he doesn't reply, assume it's not going ahead, and go about your business. If he contacts you in the week before, refer him to your previous email.

Another opportunity will come up, this one doesn't have to be seen as the be all and end all, particularly as it seems far more vague than it should be for a professional event so close to it taking place.

NoSquirrels · 09/07/2023 11:00

The event itself, with his name attached to his part of it, has been hugely publicised.

What do the event listings say?

I’d find out the name/email of an organiser of the main event, and cc them to a (very professional) email asking your questions and for info.

You could call him first as a last chance.

NoSquirrels · 09/07/2023 11:04

I need to know how long I’m speaking for, whether there will be Q&A, what time it is. In fact, I’m not even sure what night I’m speaking on.

Do you know the themes of the talk/discussion you’ll be moderating? I’d assume there will be a Q&A, you’ll need to speak really only to introduce whoever is on the panel (so that’s key info you need to know) so less than 5 minutes.

The night and time should be on the event listings info.

Original poster
Sellmeout · 09/07/2023 11:17

NoSquirrels · 09/07/2023 11:04

I need to know how long I’m speaking for, whether there will be Q&A, what time it is. In fact, I’m not even sure what night I’m speaking on.

Do you know the themes of the talk/discussion you’ll be moderating? I’d assume there will be a Q&A, you’ll need to speak really only to introduce whoever is on the panel (so that’s key info you need to know) so less than 5 minutes.

The night and time should be on the event listings info.

He has 4 panel events over the course of the conference. He hasn’t clarified which one I’m moderating it, or if it’s all of them. He originally implied all of them, since then he’s been vague.

In panels I’ve moderated before, sometimes the moderator gives quite a long intro, sometimes someone else gives the intro, sometimes they want the moderator to bring their own questions, sometimes they’ve provided me the questions.

I realise my post makes me look amateurish at this but it’s actually the opposite, which is why it’s so odd.

I’ve never done one with such high profile names attached or as big an audience, so it’s not making any sense to me that I’d have less information than normal, and not more.

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 09/07/2023 11:19

OP "I’ve never done one with such high profile names attached or as big an audience, so it’s not making any sense to me that I’d have less information than normal, and not more."

this suggests possible cancellation or last minute changes.

You need to email and you will have to drop out if not given info by a certain date.

Original poster
Sellmeout · 09/07/2023 11:23

EmmaEmerald · 09/07/2023 11:19

OP "I’ve never done one with such high profile names attached or as big an audience, so it’s not making any sense to me that I’d have less information than normal, and not more."

this suggests possible cancellation or last minute changes.

You need to email and you will have to drop out if not given info by a certain date.

You’re right.

I’m going to email now and ask for details. It’s win/win I guess. If he gives me the info I need, all good. If he doesn’t, at least I’ve not wasted my time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sellmeout · 10/07/2023 01:58

He replied immediately with all the info I needed. Still odd that he hadn’t volunteered the info but I’m so glad I asked.

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 10/07/2023 07:02

Sellmeout · 10/07/2023 01:58

He replied immediately with all the info I needed. Still odd that he hadn’t volunteered the info but I’m so glad I asked.

Oh that's good. Hope it goes well.

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