To regret leaving? (Is this post separation abuse?)

[Havingabadday2]

Left my ex after years of difficult times. I didn’t realise at the time but I think it might have been emotional abuse (stonewalling, silent treatment, being blamed for everything etc).

The problem is now its worse. He ignores me completely even in front of the DC or other people. He made a big thing about how he couldn’t attend parents evening at the same time as me due to my behaviour (but I have no idea what I had done).

He will sometimes ignore my emails (about practical things to do with the DC) but sends emails criticising me (and especially my parenting, e.g. I’ve been having trouble getting one DC to wear socks so sometimes she just has shoes without socks and he has said social services might be interested because she will smell). The finances are being sorted through court and he keeps missing deadlines and is saying he should get more of the pot because I was awful years ago when I had PND.

It just all feels so upsetting that I think it’s worse than before I left. I feel so hopeless that this is my life now. I’m trying my best to be a good mum but its all just wearing me down. AIBU to regret leaving?

Hopeful bump

In leaving, you’ve swapped a permanently miserable situation for a temporary one. You don’t live with his awful behaviour 24/7, and hopefully his opportunities to be awful to you will lessen over time once the finances are sorted and DC leave school

I know the ‘LTB’ crews on here post a vision of life being all unicorns and sunbeams once you leave, but it’s rarely the case that you get an instant life shift.

But presumably things ARE better not living under his roof, and you are happier not interacting with him as often?

No no no no no no ….

Leaving was the best thing for you and your children.

Ignoring you? People will think he’s rude …. Best thing for you is his silence

No socks? SS won’t care - they are dealing with abused children who are desperate for help not socks

More from the pot? You are housing your children with ‘his’ share ….

I hope you have a great solicitor

Oh yes, this.
Don't ever expect a good relationship with an abusive ex.
Just count your lucky stars the abuse is minimised by lack of contact.
Laugh at the nonsense - of course social services will not care about DD having or not having smelly feet. Divorce money is not dished out according to behaviour of either party. Hold your head up high, act civilised (even when you don't feel like it) and don't let this continue to wear you down - because that's all his game is about.

Second I hope you have a good solicitor. You are paying for their service and you need to have certainty that they are looking after your best interests.
This is your ex punishing you again and more for not letting him abuse you every single available minute.
Think what you are showing your children: that abuse is not a normal way to live and you have moved away from it.
If you can afford some therapy, get some. It will support you in this time of stress hell and you will learn to have better boundaries and coping mechanisms. Pick your therapist carefully; you need more than a sympathetic shoulder to cry on.
Life does eventually settle down and improve. My ex used to drive me nuts sitting on my doorstep at all hours! Fortunately he met someone else and she took up all his bandwidth very quickly 😀

No just shut him down. “I’m not up for discussion, don’t speak about me I won’t engage the only communication I’m interested in is the kids.” Then ignore whatever he tries bringing up SS for a kid who won’t wear socks LOL howling!

Nah mate, listen to yourself. The guy is just horrible. You wouldn't want to still be living with him!! You've done the right thing, 100%.

Unfortunately as you have a child together you will always have to put up with him to some degree. But at least it can be at arms length now.
My sister is going through similar (although not as bad) issues with her ex. It's tough, but at least she isnt' living it day in and day out, and it is gradually getting easier for her over time. Hang in there OP, you did the right thing in leaving.

He sounds horrible, and every incident should be reminding you of why you left him. If you went back, that wouldn't turn him into a nice person, he'd behave even worse, to teach you a lesson, plus he would know that you would accept any shit he chooses to hand out.
Keep strong.
Ignore him, block him on everything except one pre agreed communication route, and only look at that no more than once a day.
He is trying to make you feel bad. If he wants to call SS because a lack of socks, let him. If he doesn't want to go to events if you are there, fine. You don't need to respond to any of this.

Get familiar with using the "👌" emoji.

He sends you a long, ranty message; you respond with "👌".

He calls you names, abuses you, claims he should have got more in the divorce settlement, you respond "👌".

Do this enough and it'll take his power away.

He's abusing you because he gets a reaction out of you, removing that reaction and him (slowly) realising that the most he's going to get in return is an emoji will eventually make him stop (& if it doesn't, it's a one-click response from you that takes a second and then you forget about it).

Thank you for the support. I really appreciate it. Just trying to hang in there, a day at a time, hoping you’re right and it will get better.

You are right that this suggestive of post separation abuse. Also look up DARVO. This is what the “unable to attend parents evenings” nonsense is all about.

parallel parenting is the way to go.

factual emails to a separate account checked twice a week, SMS for anything urgent, any comments about your parenting just grey rock and ignore. Just don’t respond at all. He is trying and failing to exert control and can feel this slipping away. It’s so common for men who were largely uninterested in the grunt work of parenting whilst coupled up, to suddenly develop an overweening interest in your parenting when you split up.

And also, if there is lots of unkindness or any form of abuse, leaving is the only thing you can do to be a protective parent. You have given your kids one emotionally safe home, which they can feel confident and loved in.

Yup, as pp have said, this is pretty classic behaviour for thus type of abuser post separation. Just continue to ignore.

What's really hard, but helpful if you can get your mind there, is that his threats and accusations are delusional and irrational. Many abusers of this type are, I think, not necessarily bad people but they have completely disordered thinking. This is what makes it so hard for you, as a normal rational person, to.understand - you don't believe he's evil so that doesn't explain these things so you start yo think, "well maybe he is right". Try to look at the individual outrageous statements in isolation "social services will have an issue with a child not wearing socks to school" and you suddenly see how completely crazy it is.

Even better, if you can, try to find the humour- laugh at the sillness. And ignore him!

I also agree that humour is helpful. If you can laugh at the ridiculousness it really helps, although I appreciate that is quite hard when you’re in the thick of it.

It’s actually really helped to hear how this is standard behaviour for someone like this. I’ll try and follow all thos advice.

He is definitely abusive and still is. Don't engage with any of that 'social services might be intersted' it's him bullying you, and they really wouldn't be interested.

I also have moments of idealizing my emotionally abusive ex and wishing we were still in a family but then when I really truly admit to myself what family life would actually be like if we were still together I snap back out of it

💐it will get better!
stop allowing him to infiltrate your mind your self confidence and self belief.
he is nothing but the bio father of your dc.nothing more or less.he's nothing to you,zero,zilch,nada,nothing.so his vile comments mean nothing.view them and him with contempt.
you are strong,life will get better with your determination for it to do so.don't look back,just keep going forward.
you can do this.💐

You were right to leave, 100%

Ignore all his non relevant comments, forever

Think of the socks dancing round him & laugh

As others have said, every time he pulls a stunt, take it as confirmation that you have done exactly the right thing in leaving.

The most effective thing you can do is not engage, this takes practice after years of an abusive dynamic, but will get easier to do over time. The idea being that you don't provide the response, reaction, drama, energy they're seeking and they will eventually get bored and find it from someone else.

You don't have to respond immediately to every message, only respond if it directly impacts DC if you don't. Sleep on it. Choose a method of communication and use that one only. Get a new number and only use the old one for him, get a new email address and check 'his' one twice a week when you choose to. I like 👍🏽 , covers a multitude of bases, and also, 'that's fine thanks' on repeat.

Drop any expectations that divorce is going to fix your relationship, it won't, it just enables you to detatch from it. You can't make it fair or right, he may never be reasonable, but you can prioritise starting to protect your own energy.

@SavBlancTonight This is really great advice. Wow.

In leaving, you’ve swapped a permanently miserable situation for a temporary one.

And this can feel more stressful - its called intermittent reinforcement.

Do not go back to him! He is abusive, his behaviour is all the evidence you need. Contact Women's Aid for support and advice. Talk to your GP and the school - get as much support from outside agencies as you can.

On the Relationships board, I mentioned "extinction burst", and I think you are seeing the "adult" version of something to be observed when toddler taming (and when I was dealing with slightly older children). The OP was/is dealing with an octogenarian
"toddler", accustomed to dominating very unpleasantly.
Bad behaviour has, for a while, achieved the result the toddler wants, eg grabbing sweets off the supermarket shelf. Parent sets a boundary; "you've had enough sweets today" so a tantrum ensues. Rather than endure an embarrassing scene in the supermarket, parent concedes, so the toddler learns that the tactic works eventually, and will up the ante, probably with the dramatics as their starting point.
Your ExH had you nicely "boxed", as he perceived it, and you had the audacity to see through his nonsense and exit stage left, so in his twisted logic, more of the same, but laid on thick, should bring you to heel.
And what reward lies ahead for you? Life back in the cage, with your DD witnessing your torment, How could you resist?
As PP's have recommended, remind yourself of the sheer ridiculousness of his antics; imagine him standing up in court, explaining to a bewigged judge that you are an unfit mother because you DC is not wearing socks.........