Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To stay with H for this reason?

21 replies

Papaya21 · 09/07/2023 08:13

It's not really working with me and H. There's too many reasons to go into here. We get on well a lot of the time but the issues in our relationship are big fundamental issues that I don't see a way around long term.

Really I want to leave but I could stay and be relatively happy for a while at least.

A couple of years ago I helped him start up a business, I worked full time and basically did everything home wise too whilst he pursued his dream.

Its now doing quite well and is set to do its best yet next year. Part of me wants to stay until the business is doing great financially because if I left now it would basically be with nothing but I believe that better financial times are just round the corner and given that I've put in a lot of work to help this grow, I don't want to walk away with next to nothing and then see him do amazingly well in a years time off the back of both of our hard work.

OP posts:

MollysBrolly · 09/07/2023 08:21

Is it fair on him to stay in a relationship you don't want to be in?

Thegoodbadandugly · 09/07/2023 08:24

It sounds like your giving yourself an excuse to stay to be honest.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 09/07/2023 08:25

With a cold hard financial eye - what difference will a year make? Do you have a share in the business, will it have assets in a year’s time that are splittable without ruining the business? Or will you actually be little or no better off in real terms?

Original poster

Papaya21 · 09/07/2023 08:25

Thegoodbadandugly · 09/07/2023 08:24

It sounds like your giving yourself an excuse to stay to be honest.

There probably is a bit of this to be honest. It's a scary thought

OP posts:

Sissynova · 09/07/2023 08:27

God can’t imagine staying for a year in a relationship I wasn’t happy on the off chance of a slight payout.

Do you have kids? Do you have the money to spend on lawyers? Trying to get a stake in a business is incredibly hard to prove and even less likely with no kids and a relatively short marriage.
Personally I don’t think doing the chores at home really give you much of an interest in his business. You didn’t actually work on it to make it a success.

Lemonclub88 · 09/07/2023 09:02

Yes, I stayed until things were in a position for me to take 50% and be mortgage free. I would do it again. If he's not abusive and just boring hang in there and be ready for when finances allow you to be comfortable on your own.

drpet49 · 09/07/2023 09:11

So you are just staying for the money? Like a goldigger right?

Coralsunset · 09/07/2023 09:14

I would stay as long as I could bear, but give yourself a cut off date.

Use the time to plan your divorce and new life.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 09/07/2023 09:14

I hear you @Papaya21.
Last year DH sold a business for £200k more than than the loan he took out to start it. A loan secured against my salary and mine and my DC's home!. A business he built because he had the freedom to pay attention to the business, whilst I worked p/t to look after the dc (6 and 3 when he started). That profit is as much mine as his. We are not seperating, but he recognises this. We did have a rough patch shortly before the sale, I totally hear where you are coming from.

Dotcheck · 09/07/2023 09:17

drpet49 · 09/07/2023 09:11

So you are just staying for the money? Like a goldigger right?

Ffs
Read the bloody OP
She helped build the business

Clementineorsatsuma · 09/07/2023 09:18

My exh profited absolutely off me and left me with nothing. He did the cheating and leaving (right after he discovered my late father did not leave a large inheritance) and the OW was wealthy in her own right.
I've been poor ever since. He's flourished. I had to pay childcare and work my jobs round dc, he did not. He cheated on his maintenance too.
So do what you need to do financially. Life's not fun when you're poor.

cestlavielife · 09/07/2023 09:22

Helped him how ? By working in snother job snd letting him off household chores?
helped him start up a business, I worked full time and basically did everything home wise too whilst he pursued his dream.

Did he acknowledge this and give you shares or anything?

cestlavielife · 09/07/2023 09:23

See a,lawyer about what you can gain if you divorce now or in few years

SoSadForCav · 09/07/2023 09:26

drpet49 · 09/07/2023 09:11

So you are just staying for the money? Like a goldigger right?

@drpet49

what???

it's hardly 'gold digging' to want to get something out of a business you've helped build FFS

Original poster

Papaya21 · 09/07/2023 09:30

I have loaned start up money to it, worked full time and then come home and helped all evening with it, brought in the most money for a long time before it started to be beneficial financially etc.. and yes on paper I also own a portion of the business.

OP posts:

Original poster

Papaya21 · 09/07/2023 09:31

As in, like a PP, borrowed money against my own salary and credit file to put into it.

OP posts:

SoSadForCav · 09/07/2023 09:36

@Papaya21

you need to see a lawyer. Tbh it's probably not worth a year or more of waiting around for the money. It's hard to get it. I had equal shares, both directors, etc etc I was an accountant pre our business & he still managed to shaft me (& screw his ex at the same time).

Hes ended up financially well, but screwed with the ex & her 3 kids by a previous bloke & 2 together.

i felt I had to fight for my share in the business, but I wish I'd listened to my solicitor instead!

if it had gone to court I'd have probably got a decent award but he'd have had years to pay it off & he could get away with the equivalent of £50 per month (overseas but similar laws re business) AND it would have cost me £££££ legal fees.

i booked a flight instead!! (Should have done it a year sooner!!)

My advice - get a lawyer, find out what you'd get & believe them!!

soend the year getting back on your feet!

MRex · 09/07/2023 09:42

At one time, you loved this man and wanted to spend your whole life with him. Now you say there are "fundamental" issues, but it doesn't sound like he is hunting for the exit and it seems like you're giving yourself an excuse to stay. You're going to have to think about whether you really want to leave; if you want to fix things then do that instead.

If you have a proportion of the business, then you don't have to sell your shares when splitting, but he could just set up a new company instead. Have you considered actually working in the business, if you think it is getting successful and you've helped set it up then perhaps that would be fun?

Twillow · 09/07/2023 09:45

I might be going against the grain here but I do think why should you bite off your nose to spite your face. If you get on reasonably well, there's some companionship but no abuse, it's not unreasonable to tolerate the situation while you decide on your long-term future. And if that means at the same time protecting your financial interest, why not.

SoSadForCav · 09/07/2023 10:18

Twillow · 09/07/2023 09:45

@Twillow

because FIRST of all she needs to decide, finances aside, if she wants to stay with him or not, NOT procrastinate for another year using this as an excuse!!

If she wants to leave him she needs to speak to a solicitor to see IF she would gain anything financially by staying. she may not LEGALLY have any rights to anything, thus a year wasted.

plus if he even gets a sniff of her thinking about leaving he'll just trf any assets/income streams to another new company.

It's shockingly easy to cut a person out.

Thegoodbadandugly · 09/07/2023 10:21

drpet49 · 09/07/2023 09:11

So you are just staying for the money? Like a goldigger right?

She helped build the business up.

Flip