Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Overreacting?

17 replies

PicardsEarlyGrey · 09/07/2023 08:07

I think a) I am overreacting and b) this post should carry an alert for being dull.
Married 15 years, 2 DS, 12 and 16, very happy despite little in the way of physical affection these days - but this is consensual. We spend a lot of time together (think walks, coffees, and some of our work overlaps as we are in the same industry).
His first proper love was X, and she left him. When we first started dating, what seems like a billion years ago, he mentioned that she was his first love, he had a song that reminded him of her, all ok as it fitted with the conversations we were having at the time.
We both left other people to start our relationship (he had moved on from X at this point and so was leaving Y), and I was expected to cut off all contact with previous lovers - understandably as I had had three on the go (one of which was my now DH) and so was not a beacon of loyalty.
When DH and I got together, X (first love who broke him etc) was still in his life as a friend, had started her own family, and he was still very friendly with her parents. We went round to the parents a few times, and then I woke up and wondered why DH was allowed to keep this ex-lover friendship alive when I had let go of mine - who were all bloody good company.
So I asked him not to contact her any more - no biggie as they were just twice-yearly texts, and by this point we hadn’t seen her family for years. He agreed.
Last night a saw a text from her on DH’s phone. A new text thread started, I assume because he had deleted the old one at my request (so he would have remembered my request because the text area would have been empty). Innocent “How are you” stuff. He had responded. Then, a couple of weeks later, a text from DH to her wishing her a happy birthday.
AIBU to feel pissed off at this?

OP posts:
Tinkietot · 09/07/2023 08:12

He said you couldn’t be in contact with any exs? Or you assumed?

If he said you couldn’t speak or talk to any past partner’s then he’s bang out of order. If you have asked him to stop contacting her and he’s still messaging then again YABU.

Original poster
PicardsEarlyGrey · 09/07/2023 08:17

Tinkietot · 09/07/2023 08:12

He said you couldn’t be in contact with any exs? Or you assumed?

If he said you couldn’t speak or talk to any past partner’s then he’s bang out of order. If you have asked him to stop contacting her and he’s still messaging then again YABU.

He definitely wanted me to have no contact with my exes - at one point I broke up on the phone with one of them in front of him because he wanted the evidence!
This makes him sound like a complete control freak, though, which the last 15 years have shown to be not the case at all. I was, when we met, a very real risk as I was an appalling flirt.

OP posts:
YourNameGoesHere · 09/07/2023 08:17

Did he actually say you couldn't be in contact with your ex's or is that something you've inferred.

I can't see why he shouldn't have her as a friend given he'd managed a platonic friendship with her post split, even before you came on the scene she was his friend which is very different to the 2 ex's you stopped contact with who were not ex partners but current partner's alongside him.

Original poster
PicardsEarlyGrey · 09/07/2023 08:25

YourNameGoesHere · 09/07/2023 08:17

Did he actually say you couldn't be in contact with your ex's or is that something you've inferred.

I can't see why he shouldn't have her as a friend given he'd managed a platonic friendship with her post split, even before you came on the scene she was his friend which is very different to the 2 ex's you stopped contact with who were not ex partners but current partner's alongside him.

That is very true. OK, I’m getting some perspective.
I just don’t like the fact that I asked him not to contact her and he has. But then I was probably overstepping the mark asking him in the first place.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 09/07/2023 08:30

I think it was probably unfair to ask him to stop contact but he agreed to stop so you're not overreacting to the deceit IMO.

Original poster
PicardsEarlyGrey · 09/07/2023 08:31

I think part of my problem is that DH and I are not tremendously physically affectionate. No hand-holding or hugs in the kitchen (that aren’t initiated by me) for example. He shows his love in many other ways, though, and is clearly on the spectrum. He never says he loves me, but that’s who he is… I don’t mind.
Except for the fact that he sends birthday wishes to the ex who broke his heart.

OP posts:
Sissynova · 09/07/2023 08:33

Excpecting you to break up with someone
you were currently seeing at the same time as him is totally different to deciding he can’t maintain a friendship with an ex of several years ago. It sounds like a close family friendship since he visited her parents.

AppleKatie · 09/07/2023 08:34

Your kids are teens and his ex’s are still looming this large in your heads? No that’s not great whatever the specifics

YourNameGoesHere · 09/07/2023 08:37

PicardsEarlyGrey · 09/07/2023 08:31

I think part of my problem is that DH and I are not tremendously physically affectionate. No hand-holding or hugs in the kitchen (that aren’t initiated by me) for example. He shows his love in many other ways, though, and is clearly on the spectrum. He never says he loves me, but that’s who he is… I don’t mind.
Except for the fact that he sends birthday wishes to the ex who broke his heart.

But it's just a happy birthday message. He's not being physical with her and she is his friend, a position they'd happily navigated to before you even arrived on the scene.

It genuinely just sounds like you're making up this narrative that he still has feelings for her when it sounds completely platonic.

It's surprising you didn't see how him wanting you to end the 2 other relationships you were having simultaneously whilst dating him was completely different to him remaining cordial and friendly with a previous ex he'd already moved on from.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 09/07/2023 08:40

15 years on this is all a big juvenile.

Sissynova · 09/07/2023 08:40

I think part of my problem is that DH and I are not tremendously physically affectionate.
Well your op says this is consensual and implies you are both happy with this.

He never says he loves me, but that’s who he is… I don’t mind.
Except for the fact that he sends birthday wishes to the ex who broke his heart.
The two aren’t remotely linked. He’s not telling her he loves her, he’s saying happy birthday.

Weal · 09/07/2023 08:44

I find the ex being still in touch really odd after 15 years?! Did they maintain a friendship in the early part of your relationship? How long is it since you asked him not to have contact with her?!

A person being friends with an ex is absolutely fine. However I find it odd to contact someone you haven’t had any contact with in quite some time. That rather suggests she is more than just a friendly ex in his mind. I’m not suggesting anything has happened…because it doesn’t sound like it. Just that she seems to be possibly like “the one that got away” in his head.

Original poster
PicardsEarlyGrey · 09/07/2023 08:56

Thanks, all! It does seem that I need to give my head a wobble. Although @Weal has nailed it with my fears… I think he does see has as the one who got away. And they remained friends after she dumped him…and he wanted to be around her…and he’s still contacting her…
head needs another wobble 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
PicardsEarlyGrey · 09/07/2023 09:07

Sissynova · 09/07/2023 08:40

I think part of my problem is that DH and I are not tremendously physically affectionate.
Well your op says this is consensual and implies you are both happy with this.

He never says he loves me, but that’s who he is… I don’t mind.
Except for the fact that he sends birthday wishes to the ex who broke his heart.
The two aren’t remotely linked. He’s not telling her he loves her, he’s saying happy birthday.

Yes, I see that that reads as contradictory.
I don’t mind our cool affections - but I do mind them in the context of him contacting an ex that I’d asked him not to.
it’s as if the ex is getting a little slice of warmth that should be mine!
god, I sound childish.

OP posts:
Original poster
PicardsEarlyGrey · 09/07/2023 09:10

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 09/07/2023 08:40

15 years on this is all a big juvenile.

I think that from small “acorn” texts, big oaky affairs can grow, though!
It’s the little betrayal I don’t like; years ago, when I asked him to stop contacting her, he said he could understand my concerns given how I knew how much she had meant to him.
So to see his text felt like a bit of a slap.

OP posts:
LobsterCrab · 09/07/2023 09:11

I can understand your feelings, OP. You're happy with the amount of physical affection between you, as long as it's how he'd be with any woman after so many years together. But not if it would be different if he was with her. Is that right?

Original poster
PicardsEarlyGrey · 09/07/2023 09:41

LobsterCrab · 09/07/2023 09:11

I can understand your feelings, OP. You're happy with the amount of physical affection between you, as long as it's how he'd be with any woman after so many years together. But not if it would be different if he was with her. Is that right?

Yes!
And she’s in his thoughts 😞

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page