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Original poster

To have nothing to do with my BIL after what he said

121 replies

madeincalifornia2022 · 09/07/2023 04:30

To have nothing to do with my BIL (DH brother) and his part of the family...

I Flew halfway around to world to attend an important religious life celebration for my 12-year-old DN in London. My and DH's only holiday for the year as we live abroad, and a big investment with hotels, meals, event outfits, etc. I was so excited to celebrate with everyone as I rarely see his family!

A few days after we arrived went to BIL House for a catch-up. DH and I gave DN her present, a special gold and diamond necklace I had personally saved up for and purchased as an heirloom (typical for this type of celebration). She was thrilled! BIL and SIL would not acknowledge that the gift came from me and only referred to it as coming from DH (Uncle). Rude, but I decided to let this go - it's been a while since I have seen them since we moved away.

As we sat down to dinner at their house, my SIL started chatting to me about lab-created diamonds and that young people did not want real diamonds, etc. It was bizarre, to say the least, especially after the gift we just gave. Otherwise, everything was pleasant until my husband, and I went with BIL to walk their dog. We started talking about his half-brother just having a baby a year after he was married, and how lovely, etc. BIL turned around to us and said, "It's really very sad when people don't have babies after they get married." DH and I don't have kids yet, we have been married for five years. He then started poking to see if we had medical issues in a polite but invasive way and would not stop going on about it. We laughed it off since we have not even started trying and he backtracked...I was more than a little embarrassed as it felt like they had been gossiping that I had fertility issues at home.

During the week, I had some dental medical issues and went to the hospital, so I felt a little fragile. On Friday, there was a family get-together before the big day on Saturday for my DN event—mainly SIL's family. I did not go because I was not keen on having weird and difficult conversations like the other night when I was under the weather. My other BIL and MIL(Step mother to this BIL) were not attending, so it did not seem crucial. It was a buffet-style meal at SIL parent's house and not formal. My DH still went.

The next day I showed up at the main event (religious service), and my BIL greeted me. He immediately remarks that he can smell my perfume in an unpleasant way, making me feel very self-conscious. I ignore it, and I ask him where the bathroom is. He walks me over, and with no one around - he says jokingly that he will bill me for the food as I didn't show up last night. I apologized and reiterated that I had been in the hospital earlier in the week and was not feeling well enough to attend last night as I was on strong antibiotics.

During the service, the main speaker read all family names, including wives. I was not on the list, and my DH was a little upset about it. After the ceremony, we mixed and mingled with those in attendance. SIL's family refused to acknowledge me or make eye contact. We went to speak to BIL as we planned to head off and get ready for the main party later in the evening. My DH remarked to his DB that I was not named in the ceremony. BIL turns to me. "After you didn't show up last night, we deleted your name off the list of family members so you would not be included". I was shocked.

After I left the service, I burst into tears as this was so hurtful. This then led to me, arguing with DH, as I refused to attend the later event. DH felt caught between me and wanting to be there for his brother. I felt that it was as equally disrespectful to him that his own DB would not recognize me.

I don't want anything to do with BIL and SIL again. I am very fond of my DN. They were petty to remove my name and humiliate me in front of friends and family. Should I just get over this?

OP posts:
pollymere · 10/07/2023 21:23

I think maybe it's up to your DH on how to play it. Don't stoop to their level by "proving them right".

Be better than that. Support your DH and be gracious to them. I imagine not retaliating or reacting will annoy them far more and make others question their behaviour rather than seeing it as justified.

Coolhwip · 10/07/2023 21:27

TodayInahurry · 09/07/2023 08:09

I have found religious types to be quite unpleasant. I generally avoid them

I have found atheist types to be quite unpleasant. I generally pity them.

Littlelovebug · 10/07/2023 21:29

FloydWasACat · 09/07/2023 04:52

No idea my words kept repeating themselves there!😂

Chris?

sentinent · 10/07/2023 21:33

Are you of the same heretage as your SIL & their family. Some people can be very narrow minded. Or did you choose not to convert to DH's religion?

sentinent · 10/07/2023 21:49

Maybe Friday was the main event?

MeandT · 10/07/2023 21:54

As the saying goes 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them'.

You already had an inkling when you saw how your other BIL was treated. Now you've been on the direct receiving end.

Be grateful you now live on the other side of the world - head back there and don't ever give them a second thought!

So you can go to the final party and be as overtly pleasant or as truth-tellingly blunt as you like. You'll never have to face them again, so hold your head high, march in there & play it however provides you the most entertainment/vindication/setting the world to rights!!!

MeandT · 10/07/2023 22:01

sentinent · 10/07/2023 21:49

Maybe Friday was the main event?

Only in their heads, once they're trying to come up with feeble excuses for why to alienate OP.

It's not worth the headspace of trying to rationalise the behaviours of people this unhinged.

Try to stay in touch directly with DN if you can, but otherwise avoid at all costs!

GreenFritillary · 10/07/2023 22:07

Maybe give your contact details to DN and emphasize that you would always like to hear from her, and have her visit when she is older. They may not give her any further presents you send, and she is rather young to cope with taking any initiative herself unless you encourage her,

Cucucucu · 10/07/2023 22:13

Is there any radial or cultural things to be aware ? Any stupid reason why they don’t see you as family ? Their behaviour was awful and imo your husband should have walked away with you

Toomuchtrouble4me · 10/07/2023 22:17

You know you should have gone to the Friday night supper - very weak excuse not to. But they over-reacted.,

yipeeyiyay · 10/07/2023 22:52

RedHelenB · 09/07/2023 06:02

You should have gone for the sake of your neice yes her parents were petty but .so were you for not attending her special event.

Ffs she wasn't well e ouch to

Glasgowgal200 · 11/07/2023 00:51

Is your neice nice or is she like her parents?

angelfacecuti75 · 11/07/2023 01:31

A pointed "why are you asking ? "
Then a broken record technique "why ?"
"Why?"
"Why? "
"Why?"
Usually does the trick .
Ad infinitum.
Crap behaviour borne of some old fashioned (and possibly religious, sorry not every1s like this ) ! mysogynistic antiqutated idea that marriage is for making children only.
Crap behaviour op on their part. I am sorry x

AnnesBrokenSlate · 11/07/2023 01:51

It sounds as though they are more religious than you and your DH, and it's creating a gap. There are lots of religious families that think you should procreate as soon as you're married. And lots who become more religious as their DCs reach certain milestones.

It was rude of them to remove your name but opting out of SIL's parents event would have been viewed as a snub.

They sound pushy and rude.
But you're also overly sensitive eg deciding not to attend your niece's event and the diamond conversation. I'd just have offered to replace the gift. It's not a personal insult to you if they've decided against possible conflict/blood diamonds.

Really you need to talk to your DH and decide how to manage relationships with them.

Fraaahnces · 11/07/2023 02:40

I think that you need to write a letter stating that you spent a lot of your own money to be there, flights, hotels, spent your only holiday time to be there, paid for the Diamond necklace yourself and you were treated with hostility and humiliation from the time you arrived and that their behaviour was utterly unacceptable. Let them know that you will always welcome DN, but you will never tolerate the so-called adults of the family in your presence again.

MysteryBelle · 11/07/2023 03:05

They are all absolute monsters, Op, abhorrent behavior. Never have anything to do with never again. Your husband better back you up. A nice firm statement from dh expressing his full support for you to his classless and weirdo brother, then you both fly home and that’s it. I can’t believe how they’ve treated you.

LuckyPeonies · 11/07/2023 03:43

They are horrid, rude, disrespectful and spiteful. You should seriously consider refusing to ever have contact with them again, and let your husband deal with them henceforth.

Dacquoises · 11/07/2023 08:40

Dysfunctional families are impossible to navigate. They're like a moving mass of nastiness that evades any attempts at reasonable communication.

For some reason, probably envy, they have decided on mass to target you for their bullying. I had exactly the same with my family. The nicer you are, the unkinder they become. If you stand up for yourself they become offended and the victim. You can't win. The only solution I have found after years of trying to navigate is to ignore, not engage, NC.

Unfortunately this is your DHs family and it doesn't sound like he's strong enough to stand up to them. It's not uncommon in a family like this. He's trying to navigate the dysfunction as well and may not be ready for NC (which unfortunately is the only viable solution) Don't allow it to get between you.

Perhaps a discussion between the two of you of how to handle this when you do have to see them. Some grey rock techniques designed to deflect their barbs. You won't change them, you can only work on your reactions/defenses.

Laugh every time they pull a dick move safe in the knowledge that underneath all the bravado is some sad little inadequate empty vessel trying to belittle you!

NotOnYourNellies · 11/07/2023 09:19

Walk away and have nothing more to do with them
Defuse their drama

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 11/07/2023 11:09

I’d go very low contact and avoid all in law get togethers. Did they expect you to show up unwell with a sore mouth? They are shitty people.

user1492757084 · 11/07/2023 11:18

You will feel better if you can get over it.
Don't place too much weight on the opinions of those who do not deserve your respect.
You are lovely, kind and caring. Continue with your life away with your husband. Rejoice that he is not like his brother but try to get over the hurtful comments enough to not make your husband ever have to choose between his family and you.
Naturally, as the years go, you will form stronger bonds together and silly family spatts will fade away.

HolidayHappy123 · 11/07/2023 11:56

They don't sound particularly nice but you've made the family (and yourself) highly identifiable given there will only have been a small number of bat mitzvahs the last few weekends so you will forever be the wicked aunt who (a) made a child's bat mitzvah all about them; and (b) blabbed about it on social media.

I suspect they won't want anything more to do with you either.

captainmarvella · 11/07/2023 12:05

HolidayHappy123 · 11/07/2023 11:56

They don't sound particularly nice but you've made the family (and yourself) highly identifiable given there will only have been a small number of bat mitzvahs the last few weekends so you will forever be the wicked aunt who (a) made a child's bat mitzvah all about them; and (b) blabbed about it on social media.

I suspect they won't want anything more to do with you either.

Good riddance then. And let's cool it with the victim blaming? "Not particularly nice" no they were horrible to OP, absolutely rude and classless.

HolidayHappy123 · 11/07/2023 12:15

She's not a victim! She has some hurt feelings due to the rudeness shown to her.

But if this thread gets back to the family the OP will well and truly have spoilt the occasion for her niece.

viques · 11/07/2023 12:23

I think I would send them the receipt for the jewellery “ for insurance purposes” so they can see that they are real diamonds.

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