At wits end with OCD husband

[MagicFarawayTea]

Have been with partner over 30 years ( fuck) and not sure if I can stick it out much longer. I’ve been increasingly unhappy the last 5 years. I constantly wonder if I would be happier if we divorce. Sucking it up as youngest is only 11. Have lovely house, plenty money, should be happy. I’m not. Constantly feel on edge.
I’m pretty sure he has OCD.

Recent examples: I got really angry as he had opened my post including blood test kit I had ordered. Not just opened but all packaging thrown away. I lost my shit re lack of privacy, something I don’t want kids to know about etc. His response- wanted to tidy up including packaging. I said I wouldn’t dream of opening his post.
Ordered dress on line. Decided ( next day) I want to return it. Can’t find packaging and return paperwork. Asked him - of course he has thrown it all away. Says I should have put it in a drawer and he’s sick of finding stuff everywhere. It was on the bed. I explained I now can’t return it. He doesn’t care. I stew on this before confronting him again tonight. He thinks I’m blowing up about little things and he’s sick of me being unhappy all the time. I’m exhausted.

It's possible that he has OCD. It's also possible he's a controlling twat. Opening all your post? No, that's not OK and if he 'needs' to do that he needs to seek help.

My dh loves to throw stuff away that isn't his, and it is not ok. It used to happen a lot under the guise of tidying away, which I let slide, until I realise I would never throw anything of his away even if it did look like rubbish. So the rule is if it isn't his, he can't chuck it out. He has to ask! Yes things are not as perfectly tidy as he'd like but he doesn't live alone so that's part of the deal.

He just sounds like a controlling twat. My DH is diagnosed with OCD and it doesn't have any material effect on me because it's inner turmoil he suffers. It's not about being overly tidy

OP, I could have written this, my husband is exactly the same. He has OCD and on medication for this. You cannot put a thing down in the house without it being tidied away, given to a charity shop or thrown out. He has been sent back to charity shop before to buy items back that he shouldn’t have donated. It drives me and my children insane. It is incredibly difficult to live with and I do try to focus on his good points but every so often I completely loose it! You are not alone!

You can still return the dress, you just need to write on a slip of paper, account details with company, item code, your name/ address, or email them and ask for an invoice/ label to be emailed.

OCD presents In many different ways. It could be OCD but he would need to be assessed by someone with experience in the area.

I don’t think I could put up with this type of behaviour. At a minimum he would need to see a therapist for an initial assessment for me to not be issuing some sort of ultimatum. If it’s OCD he would need to agree to treatment, if he’s just a controlling person i would get rid.

it would be couples therapy with him getting help if it is ocd, a trial separation or divorce. No other alternatives. The kids will sense you’re unhappy, better off apart and content

ThTs really annoying I couldn't live with someone who there my things away!! I would also find it amoying if someone left their to do list items all over the place thoigh. Is there a compromise you can make like you have a file or box on each floor where you keep your 'to do' stuff like that so it's clear it's not you leaving rubbish around (I don't know if you also do that)

I live with an individual with OCD (my youngest son), and so I suspect that throwing away packaging is only the tip of the iceberg when is comes to compulsive behaviours. My son 'needs' to control the whole environment, and is tormented by awful intrusive thoughts (graphic and horrific).

However, living with someone whose behaviour itself is so intrusive must be really challenging for you and for your children. The first step may be to help him recognise he has a 'problem'. It is a problem because it affects those people who live with him (in a negative way) and because it is bound to affect his life.

Then, he needs to seek help. I know how difficult it is to even receive an assessment for MH difficulties, but the GP needs to know. There are sites online that can help people with OCD and that can help and support family members.

OCD is really complex, and like many mental illnesses, it can come with other mental health problems as well. If your husband can accept that (a) he has a problem and (b) there are boundaries he cannot cross (e.g. opening other people's mail) that may be a start.

Good luck.

My husband is a bit like this. I got a plate out the husband yesterday and put it next to the toaster ready for when toast popped. When I went back 1 min later he had already put the plate in the dishwasher. Sometimes I’ll make a cup of tea and he will throw it away and put mug in dishwasher while it’s still warm and I haven’t drunk any yet.

he also sometimes ‘accidentally’ opens my post but only like 20% of the time

‘Have been with partner over 30 years - and not sure if I can stick it out much longer. I’ve been increasingly unhappy the last 5 years. I constantly wonder if I would be happier if we divorce. Sucking it up as youngest is only 11. Have lovely house, plenty money, should be happy. I’m not. Constantly feel on edge.

The house is just so untidy and badly organised, when she gets a parcel for example, the wrapping is just left in the hall or in our bedroom, the contents are just dumped somewhere, not put away. She sometimes doesn’t open the post for ages, so important things get missed’

OP , I know this is a caricature, but isn’t it possible that there may be faults in both sides. Can’t you sit down and have a calm chat about how to organise things, including your privacy? Rather than throw away what you describe as a good life.

Not sure if it’s OCD and just on the basis of what you’ve described nobody will be able to say whether it is or not, there would need to be compulsive actions and or obsessive intrusive thoughts that are impacting day to day functioning.
Could just be that he’s an inconsiderate PITA

Opening your post isn’t ocd it’s invasive and abusive and controlling.

My father is a controlling abusive man - everything in the house is clean - all surfaces. I remember once jotting down a phone message on a piece of paper. Left it on the side, when to the toilet - came back it was gone. I couldn’t find it and it was really important eg a number to phone for a job interview. In that less than 2 minutes he deliberately removed it and placed it in the shredder - not ocd control. Does he throw his own stuff away? Does he open other peoples post at work or clear things off their desk?

it’s like angry people who can control it at work but then abuse their partners at home - they can control it. They choose to abuse.

I absolutely would not live with someone who opened my post as I feel it's invasive.

It sounds like you're done with the relationship. I think most people would be pissed off if their partner was regularly opening their post. There was no reason for him to throw the packaging away, even if he's a 'tidier' person than you, that's overstepping. I'm the 'tidier' one in our relationship but would never throw my DH's post away. I may wish he would put his stuff away in a drawer or throw his junk mail away at some point most days, but I appreciate that's not how he operates. Usually, I give him a few days of post sitting on the side and then when the pile gets so large it keeps falling over I put it in a box and let him know.

My husband and I always open each others post. Not a big deal to us.

The throwing away stuff would really annoy me tho

But that's not what's happening?
He's opening her mail and throwing things away.

Mine likes to look through my wardrobe, under my bed and in my drawers to make I've not been having a sneaky cigarette!