Trigger Warning - Sexual Assault
AIBU to think my ex should take responsibility for my panic attack?
Yesterday I had a massive panic attack when driving home. Had to pull over and wait until I was safe to carry on driving with my 18 month old in the car..
It was triggered by a man I was talking to hugging me and kissing me on my neck which was completely unwanted. In the past something like that I probably would have brushed off but it triggered me massively, I felt violated because I'm still struggling to process something that happened with my child's dad.
I split from him a few weeks ago because the relationship was pretty abusive since I was heavily pregnant. But something that has really be troubling me more and more over recent months is something he did last summer. I came home drunk after a party, was pretty incoherent and went to bed. He said the next day I was crying and he couldn't make out what I was saying, I don't remember that but that goes to show how drunk I was. I woke up in the night to him pulling down my leggings and underwear and he started having sex with me anally. Sorry for the TMI. But I have to mention this because it was a form of sex I had always previously refused him so it's not an act him and I had done before and he knew I didn't want this and would always say no. I totally froze in shock! He finished and then pulled my clothing back up fully on me. This entire time I was awake but he did not know. I waited a while then went to the bathroom to cry. I was absolutely in shock he done this. Another thing to add. He was sober, so he knew exactly what he was doing. I did speak to him about it the next day and he played it down, saying he thought I was awake. We spoke about it since and he said in his previous relationships it was normal to wake each other up this way. But I've made it so clear what he done to me was wrong and at times he accepts that and says he knows he was wrong, but mostly he gets defensive and doesn't see that it's as big as I feel it is.
I think so much verbal and emotional abuse had happened up until this point that I got so used to shutting things down and carrying on for the sake of our child. But after my dad passing away at the start of the year, it became harder and harder to ignore his behaviour towards me because I couldn't ignore his emotional neglect with my grieving and everything else became so much more clear.
It was a regular thing for him to call me a fat cunt, say my belly is a big slab of fat, a dirty slag etc but more often than not it was fat this fat that etc..
I'm so completely traumatised by things that happened in our relationship and I'm seeking therapy and started on antidepressants to help with my crippling anxiety caused by this relationship too.
I know I was right to leave him. But I still see him regularly because of our child, which I'm happy to push aside my feelings for the sake of my child and we get along fine at the moment as it's very platonic. But I told him this morning about my panic attack and said it's because of the trauma he caused me. He absolutely refused to take any responsibility and said he feels no guilt over anything in our relationship.
Am I wrong to try to get him to see how badly he has affected me?! The worst thing is, I feel like he is the only one I can talk to currently when I feel like I'm struggling because he's the only one that knows why, because I can't talk to family or friends about the abuse that has happened and I'm still waiting for therapy to proceed.
How do I navigate seeing him moving forward? Do I say nothing for the sake of my own healing?
Please be kind. This has been so incredibly hard to write...