To think I shouldn’t have to mother a man and a baby!

[tryingtobezenandfailing]

I’m getting increasingly frustrated at being the only one around the house that seems to notice the things that need doing. Eg folding the washing, putting things away, basic cleaning like hoovering and wiping stuff down. My husband will do things if I ASK him but 95% of the time he won’t see it and just passes it by. I don’t get help with planning meals or life admin either (again, unless I ask for it). It seems like everyone I talk to thinks “oh he’s a man, they just don’t think about these things”. I don’t want to have to ask, it makes me feel like his mother.

We work about the same hours a week (15-20), the only difference is I work from home and he doesn’t. My hours are about to double in the next few weeks and our 1 year old goes to a babysitter around 15 hours or so a week too. This will probably go up when my hours do. When he’s not working or looking after the baby, he’s watching YouTube or playing computer games.

I don’t feel like he’s motivated to better himself and it’s a struggle because I find motivation and goals attractive and honestly just an integral part of life. A big issue is whenever I bring up that I don’t think I’m getting enough help, or really anything that’s even slightly a criticism, he gets upset about it and thinks he’s a terrible dad/husband etc instead of just owning it. I try really hard to say it in a nice way, but I find myself holding things back because I don’t want to upset him. I think he might be struggling with self esteem issues and I don’t know how to help him with that either.

Should I just be happy that he’ll get stuff done if I ask (leaving me with the mental load)? Does anyone have any tips on how I can improve this situation?

Absolutely no idea, but getting predictably upset at your reasonable critiques is a good way to get out of actually taking anything you say on board.

Do a list of chores etc, so he does x amounts of meals a week, washing up, hoovering, whatever and do a similar list for you, add everything to it so if you look after finances he gets something else etc. If you think it helps drill down to when it should be done, agree the list between you, stick to yours and be brutal about not doing his, so if for instance one evening he doesn’t do a meal sort yourself and your child out and he can sort him out

otherwise he won’t change and then you have to decide if you want to stay

Why doesn’t he work more than 15-20 hours ?

or why don’t you go full time and leave him in charge at home?

Missing the point but you both only work 15-20 hours?

I would give him a list and then when you raise it hasn't been done and he gets upset and calls himself a terrible husband and father don't contradict him.....

I'd try relationship counselling.

He needs to learn to stop jumping to "I'm a terrible person! woe is me!" - he may feel it at the time, but it's also serving as a way of shutting you down from being able to express your dissatisfaction with the situation. Which will eventually turn into a huge head of resentment that may kill off the relationship.

It's possible talking it through with an intermediary will help

Why does he work so few hours?

When he gets upset and says he’s a terrible husband, it’s deliberate (in the moment). If he overreacts, he knows you’ll say he’s not terrible and you’ll have to focus on the drama rather than the reasonable point you’d made.
If I had my time again and knew what I know now, j would screen any potential partner for laziness and sexism. That’s the advantage of dating app culture, I guess. It’s easier to do that now.
He won’t get any better and you’ll feel bitter about it.

Is it your first baby OP? It angers me because it seems every woman feels like this after mat leave and has to 'train' their partner to pitch in. Sometimes I think they are all the same, pushing their luck til the missus gets mad.

Agree with PPs, define roles and create lists. This needs to be done together not you telling him what to do. Think of it as a work scenario, you are a team. And if you can, do not do something because he forgets. If he doesn't remember dinner til he is hungry then let him be hungry, he will learn the next time. A shared wall calendar helps too, he can glance in the morning and remember to do laundry or vacuuming etc.

Also, if he claims to not see the mess (apparently it's a man thing - who knew?!) then you might have to take over general clean up/tidying but make sure thats listed as a 'job' on your list.

No, you should not be happy about it. If he sees an overflowing laundry basket or bin he should know by using his eyes that he needs to do something.

Not leave it all to you, as if having a vagina makes you notice and a penis doesn't.

He would do it if he lived alone as he would have no choice or be naked surrounded by rubbish.

a rota is what you need
if you want you could draw it up together
I would also suggest alternating cooking the evening meal and as PP say, if he doesn't cook anything you just order yourself a takeaway or make yourself a sandwich
you will need nerves of steel but its the only way to train him apparently

Surely it’s absolutely nobody’s business how many hours the op and her husband work? Isn’t it brilliant that they don’t have to work more hours and (should, if your husband pulled his finger out) have a good work/life balance.

There was a book I saw a year or two ago for this scenario, that had a full list of absolutely everything to do with running a house and family.

There have also been threads on MN with long lists of things to share out.

Does anyone have any links?

The key with the shared lists approach is that they have to be very comprehensive, or you still end up picking up the slack.

A big issue is whenever I bring up that I don’t think I’m getting enough help, or really anything that’s even slightly a criticism, he gets upset about it and thinks he’s a terrible dad/husband etc instead of just owning it. I try really hard to say it in a nice way, but I find myself holding things back because I don’t want to upset him.

So he gets upset and feels like a terrible dad/husband when you bring up that you don’t feel like you’re getting enough help, but then doesn’t actually make any effort at all to give you more help?

I call bullshit. He just doesn’t want you to raise this again because he likes pissing away his free time on YouTube while you pick up the slack.

Thanks all. I’ll check out some housework lists and try out that approach to split it out by who owns each task instead.

And we only work part time because that’s all we need to right now! I actually really like my job though which is why I’m upping my hours.

Have you tried 'I' statements instead of 'you', e.g 'I'm really struggling with carrying all the mental load for stuff around the house'. Instead of 'you're not helping enough'? If he gets upset I'd validate this, but then bring it back to your needs...'I can see this upsets you, I'm finding xyz difficult'. If he still can't own it and you're struggling to resolve reflect it back to him... practice what you might say in advance. Otherwise relationship counselling may help. Good luck!