Loneliness

[Mothermama]

Bare with me, I didn’t know where to post this and I think I just need someone to tell me I’m not being totally unreasonable.

My husband started a new job in January, which meant relocating the family to a new city, three hours from our old home. New job is husbands dream and his old job made him pretty miserable and the commute was lengthy. There wasn’t much discussion about applying for this new job but also we know that the old work/life balance wasn’t working. We sold our house in December and it took until May for myself and DC (x2) to move side note: husband had already moved up and had a houseshare/would come back at weekends, which was very difficult and we/kids missed him terribly. I’m those weird months I also quickly discovered I was pregnant and had a n abortion which was the right decision but I still feel very wobbly about it.
Now we have moved and I’m in the new house I cannot seem to shake this overwhelming sadness and FOMO and just a total loneliness. I miss my friends and the familiar faces at my daughters school. I miss having a highstreet that I could walk to and shops to pop into. Our new village has a Tesco and that’s it. I don’t drive, if I did then there would be a lot more open to me as the surrounding area is lovely and when husband is off work we have Greg family days. He works a lot of weekends so I’m alone with two children (7 and 2) with nowhere to really go and no one to get together with. The mums at the new school are cliquey and I’m finding it difficult to start up any conversations. I go to a toddler group with my youngest but it’s the same situation. Week days I feel like I’m just waiting to pick up my eldest from school.
I’ve tried numerous times to speak to my husband, who really is the most kind and calming person, but he just cannot empathise or understand why I feel so lonely when “we’re all together again” and “we’ve not a much better/bigger house” side note: the house is only marginally bigger and a full on renovation which is essentially down to me to navigate.

I fee very snappy with the children, overwhelmed with the house reno/decorating, and like my husband is my only lifeline and for the most part the only adult I speak to on a daily basis.

Yanbu for feeling lonely.
I get the feeling that all the decisions made are to benefit the needs of your dh, you compramise? Perhaps because he is the breadwinner?
Do you maybe feel a little bit inferior, must he validate your feelings or wishes?
Because you feel crap and something needs to change. You don't need to hear that the house is bigger, or the family is back together. Because you know that already, and you still feel crap.
You kind of have already answered one question yourself; learn to drive! Get some independance back. See your old friends, former town, the new surroundings, go to other towns, with high streets.
I feel it might be time to start putting your needs first for a while.
Don't forget that everyone needs time adjusting to a new place. You need to make it your own.
Good luck!

It passes. Bear with it.

I relocated 3hrs from my home town, and the first year was very emotional. I too felt lonely, as also had moved out to a village. I'd lived in a town before, and even though I drove and had a car, I enjoyed walking. I loved being able to walk anywhere I needed. It was a shock to move to a sleepy village where I felt isolated, knew nobody, felt homesick.

Buuuut, I stuck with it. It got better. We did move again though. Not too far away, but that village was so far away from anything. So we moved to another village, so we get the benefits of a quieter community, but it's within 15 mins drive/bus ride of a town.

Now I can't imagine moving back to where I came from.

Could that maybe be an option for you guys? To move a little closer to a town, so you're not feeling quite so isolated? With young kids, you really do need a bit more of a socially diverse environment.

Small villages can be very cliquey, everyone grew up there, everyone knows each other, everyone's in each others pockets. So as an outsider, it is hard to break into those circles.

YANBU and I think reevaluating where you live might be for the best.

Failing that, I would prioritise learning to drive.

That sounds really tough OP.

We relocated in 2021, similar distance, I was onboard with the relocation, our circumstances were different to yours,but it took me a while to settle. After about 4mths, I was really happy and still am. It takes a while.

Is there is local library with things going on for the children, where you can mix with other parents? A local park you can go to after school? Can you drive? Or could you learn to give you and the children a wider world.

where we lived before was classed as a rural community, great for little ones, but once you have teens, it’s a PITA tbh, we live on the outskirts of a city now, so much better. I would never dream of living rurally again.

DH being the breadwinner is certainly a huge part of it, and also I know he is keenly aware that we have no wider family to rely on so financially he shoulders all the burden. But he does also enjoy his job, and I do sometimes think it must be nice to have that fulfilment. Im supposed to be doing an online access course with the desire to go to uni/retrain as a midwife after struggling as an artist for many years but that’s become difficult as I have no time alone to do this. And driving lessons would be a similar situation, I’m all for it and DH is keen to support this but I need his physical presence to look after the children so o can actually go and do this. His days off are sporadic, and he often works late. By the time he does come home ( for instance it will be about 9pm tonight) I’m tired, touched out, and just want to have a minute to myself. I have Ulcerative Colitis and recently, probably because of stress I’ve been much more poorly with it and have zero energy

We actually went to the library this morning, and it’s a resource I’ve relied heavily on just to get the kids and myself out the house!
definitely trying to prioritise learning to drive but again, I need husband to be home when he says he’s going to be home/be able to schedule something when I know he can have X morning off but it’s easier said than done. There’s always an important meeting or something is going on.

I can only offer you sympathy and hope you can stay positive. We moved 200 miles when the children were small and then DH was sent 200 miles working away for 2 yrs. It was awful, no family & no friends. It was totally wretched & I hated it. I eventually built up links with 2 people who I could exchange childcare with but they weren't really good friends, I never made any true friends all the time they were at school, it was just horrible. Fortunately things have moved on and life is better in a new area but it was a depressing phase of my life.

Right, understood. That is tough. Small steps then. Maybe a small agreement once a week. The whole family in the car while dh teaches you a bit. Might be fun.
I had to look up your condition, it looks very painful. So sorry for you op.
Perhaps the first step is to have a look around for trusted childcare, if there is money for it. So you can first have a rest and then think of starting trainings.
Beautiful things to be, artist, midwife.
Wishing you all the best.

Can you get in someone to look.after the children whilst you doing your driving lessons?

my youngest will go to preschool in January, so absolute worst case scenario I just have to get to that point to then have some time to focus on driving lessons. And tbh I think those hours will be way more reliable than DH hours.
it just seems a long way off. I’m also acutely aware that as soon as January comes and the smallest is at nursery, I’ve basically lost my daytime pal :(

Can you get a babysitter for an hour or so while you have a driving lesson?