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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can do what I want..

51 replies

anony3mous · 08/07/2023 12:29

How can I respond to this comment from DH.

Background:
he does nothing at home to help and I literally mean nothing. I clean, cook, take kids to schools and pick them up. Do the shopping, sort out social things for kids and family. I’ve had enough of him. I work full time now too. Usually I did temping so could take a day off for childcare when needed but now in new job I can’t take time off. DD school is finishing next week, I still have to work for 3 more weeks. I’ve sorted childcare for the last 2 weeks but next week I need him to pick her up Wednesday half day and look after her Thursday. Friday is sorted already. His response was I can do what I want I don’t have to discuss with you! Do he won’t give me an answer and tells me he doesn’t need to.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 08/07/2023 13:24

Hmmm....in theory yes of course he should do the childcare, however I'd guess the issue isn't about expecting him to do this, it's more likely to be about the way you've delegated tasks and appointed yourself 'boss'.
He's being an arse by not confirming whether he will or won't pick her up. Ask once more but don't say 'l need to know'...no, you don't. You've sorted CC out for 2.5 weeks of the 3. When he responds that he he doesn't know/hasn't decided yet, then just cheerily say OK hun, as long as you have a plan as I'm out of options. I'll leave it with you sweetheart.

Of course l know you didn't actually appoint yourself the boss, it's that the vacancy of childcare co-ordinator needed filling so you stepped up. I'm sure you'd be happy to relinquish all responsibility going forward if he'd rather be 'the boss'.
Then there's the 3rd option. No-ones the boss but one is more involved/aware than the other so they communicate ideas and suggestions with their OH. You've done this. Unfortunately he's sulking now so hasn't.

Crumpleton · 08/07/2023 13:27

You remind him that you both went 50/50 on making your DD and his responsibility to her didn't stop the day she was conceived and now DD is here him doing what he wants isn't top priority.

Did you discuss childcare issues before you with back to working full time?
Is his job one that he can WFH or easily change his hours?

You've pretty much covered most of the childcare so asking 1.5 days of him isn't much but I'd be more pissed off with the way he thinks he can just do what he wants and you're expected to put up with it.

Maybe you need to let it out and tell him you've had enough of him and from now on are choosing to do what you want and right now your future doesn't include him being in it.

SunSurfSand · 08/07/2023 13:29

Divorce him.

Really, what is he for at this point?

Dashel · 08/07/2023 13:30

I would tell him that when children came along he does what’s best for them and he can start being an active family member or he can fuck off.

I would be very firm and if he says fine. I would tell him to pack a bag.

Chewbaccaslime · 08/07/2023 13:31

@anony3mous people on here will smuggly throw around LTB. I wanted to give you some food for thought. DH and I are in the middle of separating. Literally just happened two days ago. The first thing DH has sorted out with me on his own insistence is childcare for the summer holidays. Even though we are going through a shit storm right now and breaking up, he is still standing up and taking on his share of childcare.

Pearlsaminga · 08/07/2023 13:32

Maybe you need to let it out and tell him you've had enough of him and from now on are choosing to do what you want and right now your future doesn't include him being in it
I wouldn't give him a heads up, he's not a partner he's an opponent, why give him an advantage 🤷

SayHi · 08/07/2023 13:33

Are they his kids?

I’m trying to work out why you’re still with him and wondering if you’re missing out a massive chunk of the story.

Sealover123 · 08/07/2023 13:33

I could offer suggestions on how to try to get him to help you, but the larger issue here is that he doesn't respect you nor are you a team. He feels you can/will do everything.

Pearlsaminga · 08/07/2023 13:35

Dashel · 08/07/2023 13:30

I would tell him that when children came along he does what’s best for them and he can start being an active family member or he can fuck off.

I would be very firm and if he says fine. I would tell him to pack a bag.

You really think this man is going to obey a woman?
pack his bags and go from his own home when she tells him to?
He'll dig his heels in and do everything he can to make life unpleasant for her.
She needs to get everything organised out of his sight and he won't know anything about it until he comes home to find her gone with the children.

Notimeforaname · 08/07/2023 13:38

He thinks/knows you will put up with this. So he doesn't need to change, he doesn't care to either.

You can confirm what hes thinking by just carrying on with life.

But realistically you need to leave him to see if that shocks him into sorting himself out. That's not likely to happen but either do something drastic or just accept that this will be your life.

FrangipaniBlue · 08/07/2023 13:42

Whatever you do, DO NOT take time off to pick her up on those days.

When nursery ring you to say no one has turned up for her, give them his number and tell them to call him as he is supposed to be collecting and unfortunately you are at work.

That's what I'd do, but then I'm a stubborn bitch.

excelledyourself · 08/07/2023 13:42

Focus on your kids, and do what needs to be done re childcare, e.g. pay for it if necessary.

Do absolutely nothing for him. Not a single thing. Ignore his pointless existence.

See a lawyer and start divorce proceedings.

I'd have absolutely no desire to resolve this issue in any other way. He's a prick and I wouldn't even want to be associated with him, never mind married to him, for a moment longer than necessary.

Radiodread · 08/07/2023 13:43

Are you married to Andrew Tate? Just bin him. He’s not going to improve.

FrangipaniBlue · 08/07/2023 13:43

Do absolutely nothing for him. Not a single thing. Ignore his pointless existence.

Also this.

No buying food for him, no doing his laundry.

blahblahblah1654 · 08/07/2023 13:46

What's the point in being with him?

Thebigblueballoon · 08/07/2023 13:48

Boycott all housework apart from stuff related to the kids. Do literally nothing. Hopefully that’ll shake the shit out of the useless wanker.

Daleksatemyshed · 08/07/2023 13:52

Well then you can do as you want as well. In future I wouldn't want to wash his clothes, or make him dinner and I don't think I'd want to sleep in the same bed either.

Pearlsaminga · 08/07/2023 13:55

FrangipaniBlue · 08/07/2023 13:42

Whatever you do, DO NOT take time off to pick her up on those days.

When nursery ring you to say no one has turned up for her, give them his number and tell them to call him as he is supposed to be collecting and unfortunately you are at work.

That's what I'd do, but then I'm a stubborn bitch.

I don't think it's right to use the child to try and punish him, she will feel as if neither of her parents want her and he will likely be unpleasant to his child in order to punish OP for dropping him in it

Zippedydoo123 · 08/07/2023 13:57

I am so glad I am single. So few men step up and help. It really isn't worth bothering with men. I think there are only very few exceptions and most women just have to live like a total drudge. I used to go to a spiritual group attended by mainly women and only a few men helped there either.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/07/2023 14:05

Lacucuracha · 08/07/2023 12:30

Tell him I can do what I want too and I want a divorce. And mean it.

Yup

IknowYouButIdontLikeYou · 08/07/2023 14:06

ISeeMisledPeople · 08/07/2023 12:30

My response would be to do what I want - and leave the lazy prick.

This. He's a shit dad and a crap husband.

Crumpleton · 08/07/2023 14:10

Pearlsaminga · 08/07/2023 13:32

Maybe you need to let it out and tell him you've had enough of him and from now on are choosing to do what you want and right now your future doesn't include him being in it
I wouldn't give him a heads up, he's not a partner he's an opponent, why give him an advantage 🤷

Because there's a possibility that the OP is at the end of her limits and just needs a good vent and some advice to pull her DH into shape other than the usual go to LTB cry.

I'm sure if OP wanted to leave and end her marriage she'd have done so and will do without permission from posters on MN.

Whattodowithit88 · 08/07/2023 14:12

Why are you with him? Genuine question-he seems to be a loser

Iamclearlyamug · 08/07/2023 14:13

Lacucuracha · 08/07/2023 12:30

Tell him I can do what I want too and I want a divorce. And mean it.

So completely this

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/07/2023 14:20

Consult a lawyer to plan your exit carefully, get finances and children's legal paperwork in order first
You will feel so much better to be free from him x

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