To be annoyed over this or is it me that's wrong?

[Lill1e]

So basically I've been seeing someone after being separated the last couple of years. He is a fabulous person. Like night and day compared to my exh.

However I saw another side to him last night. We live in a small town where I know people but didn't go to school here so never meet anyone I know from when I was young. He grew up here so knows everyone. Last night when we were out a guy around our own age started making conversation with both of us and it turned out he was from where I went to school and we knew LOADS of people I went to school with and haven't seen in years.
I was really caught up in the conversation and enjoying it and didn't realise my partner felt uncomfortable at not being included in the conversation although i felt he was included and that we were basically talking about and telling him about times long ago, funny stories etc.
After we left the bar my partner got really pissed off and accused me of leaving him sitting there like a lemon and chatting to this man for over an hour! I really don't think it was that long and I thought we had gotten over it and enjoyed the rest of our night but when we got him he went on about it again and again today. He's still just sitting around thinking and saying he's fine when I ask if he's still mad. I've apologised at making him uncomfortable and explained I didn't do it intentionally but he's still acting like I've cheated on him or something. I think it's a bit of an over reaction do you or am I in the wrong? It's head wrecking. My partner works away a lot and goes out a lot when away and I don't give him grief over it. I just don't get it. Any advice?

Sounds like he could have joined in the conversation but chose not to.

I can't tolerate sulking.

He’s being pathetic. Even if it was the entire night and you arranged to do it again next month - it is nothing. You both included him in the conversation but he’s a grown man and can choose to talk to someone else or include himself further.
I would leave him, life is too short for this sulking bollocks.

ive been on both sides of this. Totally ridiculous of him. It’s a great way of learning about someone before you met. And school stories although not there it’s something everyone can relate to.

And too right I would carry on with plans already made. Once you cancel once it becomes easier to keep on cancelling.

Sorry to be pedantic, but is he actually your boyfriend not a partner? You also say he works away/goes out a lot so I'd imagine the the time you have together is limited.
I can't imagine he said you basically ignore him for an hour if it wasn't well, about an hour. I have a friend who knows everyone and where ever she goes she's bumping into people and chatting (often manicly) for 5/10mins. I'm quite sociable in these situations so don't feel like a lemon, but it would grate if it was much longer, certainly an hour.
I don't think he's jealous, I think he's a bit put out by how rude you were. I'm going to assume you did the 'What? What's the matter? Really?' thing followed later by a half hearted reply. You say you didn't mean to exclude him...so you didn't consider his feelings and just got swept away...that happens, but it doesnt make it right.
I'm sure if you was talking to Candice about Kelly's engagement/baby he would have been equally annoyed.

So he's told you what's wrong, you've told him you understand how he feels and you've genuinely apologized?

What more does he want you to do? Beg for forgiveness?

Your part in this is done, stop feeling guilty and asking him if he's okay, led him get on with it. He needs to work through the problem himself and decide to forgive you or not, but you have literally done enough.

I don’t think you did anything wrong at all, it’s a huge red flag from him that you can’t even talk to another man without him sulking like a toddler

A couple of months back, I was out with my newish man, and in the middle of a city neither of us lives in, we suddenly met someone he'd worked with around 15 years ago. I found it interesting hearing about all these people I didn't know, because it's part of his history.

This is how I'd feel. You learn so much from listening to conversations and I don't understand the whole "excluded" because it's chat about something that happened when you weren't there.

I come from a large family and nearly every conversation that happens there's a few people listening in and laughing at others antics and then next part of the conversation they'll be others that are on listeners.

Sorry OP but I'd be very wary of a man that made his point and then sulked at me the next day.

None of us can really say because we weren’t there and we don’t know if he’s over reacting or you were really rude.

If my boyfriend was talking to someone else for over an hour whilst I sat there not being able to join in the conversation then yes I’d be annoyed too and so would everyone else on here.
And everyone on here would say he’s a red flag.

The only thing you can do is apologise and see if this is something he can forgive or not.

I would be more than happy for my DP to talk to a woman or another man.

But talking to them for over an hour whilst we are out on a date and I’m just sat there not being able to join in the conversation, would piss me off.

I do think that if this was the other way around and it was OPs date talking to someone for over an hour everyone would be saying how selfish he is.

This. What does he want you to do, fly round the world and turn back time like Superman 🙄😆. If he's continuing it on just to make you feel bad he's a piece of shit.

This. What was preventing him from making small talk?

Nothing worse than a childish sulker. Bin.

Even though it sounds like he could have joined in more and shown an interest, and just chose not, you're obviously genuinely sorry for having hurt his feelings unintentionally, and have said so.

I could not be arsed with someone who couldn't just accept the apology and move on in this situation.

Do not cancel your night out. And take good notice of how he reacts when it becomes clear your night out is going ahead.

Any more shite and I'd end it.

I don't think you've done a thing wrong. Except apologise. You said you were all sat together and you attempted to include him. I bet he doesn't not chat to the friends he meets when he's out with you does he?

He's trying to train you. He's sulking so you won't make the mistake of enjoying a conversation with another man again.

Tell him you are very disappointed with his insecure behaviour and sulking and if he doesn't buck his ideas up then get rid, because this is a red flag and you should take notice.

As mumsnet posters are fond of saying, if he doesn't trust you, there's no point.

Sorry for taking so long to reply. So basically we go to the same place every weekend. Its usually just us two out together. People he knows come to chat with us but I always join in the conversations. The man he's sulking over was in the same vicinity as us and at the same table. It's a long table that fits loads of people. He started chatting to my partner first about the type of work he does. We were both chatting to him at the beginning but when the conversation turned my partner just zoned out. We were speaking to the man on and off for a while but not all night. He was in the area all night though. He's still like a dog now. Having to drag the words out of him. He does work away a lot but only for a few days at a time every week and never at weekends so we do get a lot of time together. I'm actually really pissed off over it now. I don't think speaking to someone while I was with my partner/boyfriend, and it was me who eventually asked to leave the bar and go somewhere else btw, deserves this kind of behaviour. I've told him he should have said something if he was uncomfortable. I would have. We usually have a great time together when we're out. I'm a chatty person I love to hear stories and meet people. If I thought the man I was speaking to was being inappropriate I would have knocked it on the head straight away

How could he have joined in the conversation or make small talk if the conversation was about the shared school and school friends, that he wasn’t part of.

Sure, it might have been a bit annoying for him, but not exactly intended on your part.

Frankly, the fact he's dragging out such a tiny non-event is unbelievably pathetic. You've said sorry, you meant it. What else are you supposed to do? Self-flagellate on the village green? Take out an ad in the papers publicly declaring your cuntishness??

FFS it was a 1/10 annoyance level situation but he's creating a nuclear reaction.

I'd tell him to fuck off and reflect on why he's so insecure and what he wants/needs to move on so that he can tell you and you can use that information to decide if this relationship is worth continuing given his clear fragility. ICK.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a partner? OP says they go to the same place every weekend so they appear to see each other regularly.

I can absolutely someone saying it was 'about an hour' if they are in a mood about it - it may have felt like an hour but it could just as easily have been 20 minutes. And she wasn't ignoring him, she was chatting to someone she had bumped in to and who happened to know people she knew. She says in the OP that he wasn't ignored at all, she kept explaining things.

How is this so rude? I am not being argumentative btw - it's a genuine Q. I don't get why she can't have a chat to someone else at the local, for fear of her boyfriend's ego.

I wasn't there, so if she was being ruder then she realises: she's said sorry. Surely he's the rude one now sulking like a baby?

Again - not attacking you. Just not seeing what you are here so I think the situation is minimally open to a bit of doubt on both sides rather than just condemning the OP for being 'rude'.

He sounds like he's a little jealous and sulking! I wouldn't want to be left out of a conversation but you said you tried to include him. So I don't know what his problem is.

I don't think it is about ego. This friend sat with them at yhe same table for a good part of their evening. I don't think it's necessarily rude to talk with other people but continuing a conversation with someone when the other person, the one you've arranged to spend your time with, clearly isn't interested is rude. It's no different to eg scrolling on your phone and reading your texts aloud. 5 or so mins of maybe 'Oh great, Sarah's got back to me about XYZ' or ' works just messaged about Friday. Did I tell you what happened in the meeting...' is fine but you wouldn't scroll for an hour (or even 20mins really). Likewise it'd be rude to take your OH out and be watching Wimbledon in the background or on your phone.
I think if you make arrangements you should (generally) stick to them. Having a 3rd person join you (without discusion) is rude.

Sulking is a bit petty though.

Well I do think he was overreacting but would have found it tedious in his shoes too. I don't think telling (multiple) funny stories is ever as fun for the spare wheel as other people think it is, even if you feel you tried to include him.

The thing is you had to be there to find it funny and sitting there listening to second hand stories about people and places you don't know is not most peoples idea of fun especially as he works away and probably considers his time with you is valuable and not to be wasted.

He's been a twat and I'm concerned you're now thinking of cancelling your night out. To.. what? Sit at home while he gives you the silent treatment? Give him a pity blow job?

It sounds like you're seeing his true colours now. He's fine making you listen to him talk with people he knows so he's centre of attention while you're the hanger on, but reverse that and suddenly it's a problem

Yep

You would expect someone who is effectively on a date with their partner who works away, to perceive that this is a very long conversation their partner cannot possibly contribute to, and end it after a reasonable amount of time so they can engage with who they came with.

Initially you would enthuse and be nice, anyone would. After 10 minutes you'd be rolling your eyes and wishing it would stop. 20 minutes and it's getting really rude. Personally after an hour I would feel 100% fine because I would have left and found something else to do 30 minutes ago 😂

Careful if you aren't able to see the same things as respectful/disrespectful. That can be a powder keg.

People he knows come to chat with us but I always join in the conversations.

Sounds like he enjoys acting like Big Man on Campus when his old school mates come to talk to him but when it happens to you, he acts like a sulky man baby.

I’d throw this one back, OP. He wants to be centre stage and sees you as supporting cast.

I would have been bored off my tits listening to school stories for longer than 20 minutes, and at a reasonable point would've said OK let's drink up and go to X.

No one likes a sulker though, it's silly and unproductive.

Right now I'd be leaving/asking him to leave so you can crack on with preparing for tonight.