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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying rent/board

12 replies

OngoingConfidence · 08/07/2023 11:02

Hi all,

This post may be less about paying rent and more about my (unreasonable??) expectations.

I still live at home with my mother, I'm 24 years old and just finished uni. I have been consistently paying my mom rent/board for the last 4 years, £300 per month, always on time (She's told me she doesn't spend it on the bills and has just been saving it all, her choice I guess). I've been working part-time for the last 4 years but have secured a full-time graduate role and I'll be starting in September. Of course, my rent will be increasing. I will be paying £500.

My AIBU is, AIBU to expect more freedom/allowances? The main issue is that I am not allowed to invite my friends around. I've always struggled to make friends and didn't manage to make a solid group of friends until I went to uni, I've really wanted to invite them to my house and just do normal friend things, get a takeaway, play some games etc but my mom refuses. Her reason is, my friends are strangers and she doesn't want strangers in her house. It seems like a weird reaction/thing to say, I've met my friends' parents at their homes and they've been nothing but welcoming.

Another example is, when I was seeing my now ex bf (I was 21 at the time), I was never allowed to invite him over. I'd want to invite him over for lunch or something simple (No sex would be involved as I'm not allowed to do that at home) but I was always denied.

My mom has invited her boyfriend to our home many times and he's stayed overnight. I've never met him and they've been together for 5 years. She always makes sure to arrange things when I'm not home so that we don't meet (I've made a thread about this before) and when I use my moms own words against her, that he's a stranger to me, I'm met with "Yes, but he's not a stranger to me.". I think I am feeling some resentment over the situation tbh.

Before anyone tells me "you need to move out" yes, I already know this but can't afford it at the moment. I am happy to be told IABU. Cheers :)

OP posts:
Curtains70 · 08/07/2023 11:04

Yeah she's being unreasonable.

If you're going to be paying her £500 a month anyway could you not move into a house share or something? I did that in my 20s. Lots of fun and made great friends

CannedCultureTinned · 08/07/2023 11:09

It's your DMs property, so £500 per month won't change her rules
Her house, her rules

Look into moving into house shares or a studio flat or a 1 bed flat

Check that they allow friends to visit & stay overnight

Why would you want to stay ?

Babyroobs · 08/07/2023 11:12

Gosh I would find your own place - houseshare etc if you can. £500 is a lot to not be able to have friends round. I don't charge my 24 year old ds anything like that and his gf lives with us also. My other two ds's also have girlfriends stay over etc.

Caroparo52 · 08/07/2023 11:33

Agree with previous. Mum has issues. Her issues.
Won't change. Controlling?
Jealous?
You want a normal life.
You should have one.
That £500 would go a long way towards a flat share.
Young people do socialise . Its very normal. You gotta move out op

Original poster
OngoingConfidence · 08/07/2023 11:40

I have looked into flatshares and been for viewings but the flat mates did not seem very welcoming. When I move out, I think my mom plans to move in with her bf so I'd need to find an actual apartment so I can take all of my belongings. Yes, I agree that the £500 can go a long way, I feel like I'm not being allowed to live normally

OP posts:
JazbayGrapes · 08/07/2023 11:42

moving out is the only solution here. you can get a room in a shared accommodation for that price. Your mother will always see you as a child, even when you turn 50.

CannedCultureTinned · 08/07/2023 12:13

I valued my freedom over my possessions

You will always be treated like a child if you stay at home under your current house rules

Move out !

What is stopping you ? You are an adult

JazbayGrapes · 08/07/2023 12:20

I'd need to find an actual apartment so I can take all of my belongings.

How much belongings do you have/need? I'm sure plenty can be stored/sold/given away.

redskytwonight · 08/07/2023 12:22

My adult son lives with me and I'm happy for him to do all the things you suggest and even have friends overnight. My only "rule" is that he doesn't bring back girls he's just met - longer term girl friends, fine.

I agree with PPs you need to look at moving out. You can find a house share you can afford, I'm sure. TBH it will be worth the money to have more freedom! I

JudgeRudy · 08/07/2023 12:29

OngoingConfidence · 08/07/2023 11:02

Hi all,

This post may be less about paying rent and more about my (unreasonable??) expectations.

I still live at home with my mother, I'm 24 years old and just finished uni. I have been consistently paying my mom rent/board for the last 4 years, £300 per month, always on time (She's told me she doesn't spend it on the bills and has just been saving it all, her choice I guess). I've been working part-time for the last 4 years but have secured a full-time graduate role and I'll be starting in September. Of course, my rent will be increasing. I will be paying £500.

My AIBU is, AIBU to expect more freedom/allowances? The main issue is that I am not allowed to invite my friends around. I've always struggled to make friends and didn't manage to make a solid group of friends until I went to uni, I've really wanted to invite them to my house and just do normal friend things, get a takeaway, play some games etc but my mom refuses. Her reason is, my friends are strangers and she doesn't want strangers in her house. It seems like a weird reaction/thing to say, I've met my friends' parents at their homes and they've been nothing but welcoming.

Another example is, when I was seeing my now ex bf (I was 21 at the time), I was never allowed to invite him over. I'd want to invite him over for lunch or something simple (No sex would be involved as I'm not allowed to do that at home) but I was always denied.

My mom has invited her boyfriend to our home many times and he's stayed overnight. I've never met him and they've been together for 5 years. She always makes sure to arrange things when I'm not home so that we don't meet (I've made a thread about this before) and when I use my moms own words against her, that he's a stranger to me, I'm met with "Yes, but he's not a stranger to me.". I think I am feeling some resentment over the situation tbh.

Before anyone tells me "you need to move out" yes, I already know this but can't afford it at the moment. I am happy to be told IABU. Cheers :)

Your mum's outlook is a little unusual but she's not being unreasonable. She doesn't want people in her home that she hasnt personally invited. It's her house, she can have these rules. Yes you pay board but that doesn't entitle you to anything other than what she's offering. You have choices You're not a young child so the answer is obvious. You need to move out.

Why are you putting it to MN? Even if we all said she's completely unreasonable the outcome would be the same. Take it or leave it.

Original poster
OngoingConfidence · 08/07/2023 12:52

Thanks everyone for your input. I can't afford to move out right now so I'll be saving for a while.

OP posts:
CannedCultureTinned · 08/07/2023 14:14

I am going to add

If you live in a house share, it is not a requirement to be best buddies. You just need to be able to live together amicably.

Make your friends outside your house share

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