Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

DS in a relationship with a much older man

14 replies

JulyDays · 07/07/2023 23:20

I don’t know where to turn so I’m posting here.

DS turned 18 about 2 weeks ago, he came out as gay at 15/16 which isn’t an issue and I've always told him that.

A couple of months ago, he told me he was in a relationship and at first he was very reluctant to introduce him to me and when I met him I realised why. This boyfriend is 12/13 years older than him. I also found out they met on a dating app which DS was also underage for at the time with him being only 17.

I've told him I'm concerned which he hasn't listened to, I tried to speak to him again this evening and he called me homophobic and has gone to this mans house, and has sent me a text telling me to leave him alone

Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:

Soontobe60 · 07/07/2023 23:22

He’s 18, so no. There’s nothing you can do. However, I’d be very clear to the man that you consider him to be a groomer!

moneymatr · 07/07/2023 23:22

Look out for him, support him and hope it fizzles out

JazbayGrapes · 07/07/2023 23:26

YANBU to worry, but at 18 just let him be, if you don't want to kill your relationship. That romance will end soon enough anyway.

VariationsonaTheme · 07/07/2023 23:26

He’s 18, nothing you can do but keep communicating with him so he knows he can always talk to you if/when it all goes wrong.

MMMarmite · 07/07/2023 23:27

I'd feel the same as you. But saying more at this point will only push him away further.

Babsexxx · 08/07/2023 06:58

Nothing you can do here op but please do not mither him over it or he could end up trying even harder to maintain the relationship to spite you and show you “see it did work out”.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 08/07/2023 07:32

Stop mentioning it and try not to judge either of them.

Your DS is an adult and able to make his own choices - if you keep bringing it up you'll only push him away (and further into this man's arms).

It'll likely run it's natural course, the same as most student relationships.

Original poster

JulyDays · 11/07/2023 21:28

I do think this man is grooming DS, it was just me and him whilst he was growing up, his dad and he never had things his friends had like holidays etc and we still do struggle for money especially with the cost of living. However, this man works and apparently works a high paying job and took DS on a weekend away as a birthday present despite them not being together very long.

After my post I didn't hear from DS over the weekend, I messaged him yesterday and he told me not to message him. This evening, he came back home and he's got a tattoo of this mans first initial, it is small but I'm so disappointed and when I told him that especially as they've not been together for long, it led to more shouting from him and he pushed me. Yes, he is 18 but he's very immature.

OP posts:

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 13/07/2023 15:40

I agree with others especially if he is like my 18 year old immature DS. The more I speak the more he pushes back. I cant even ask a basic question these days. I do agree I wouldnt be happy with the age gap male or female for a very young 'adult'

WeetabixTowels · 13/07/2023 15:45

I’d feel the same OP. A man of 30 being interested in a 30yo no matter the sex is definitely cause for concern

Grimchmas · 13/07/2023 15:47

It may be a cause for concern (it is) but I think you have to tred very carefully with your DS.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 13/07/2023 15:49

What is a 30odd year old man doing with a young man who's just turned 18? That's so weird to me.

But no, you can't do anything but just be there for him.

AlanJohnsonsBeemer · 13/07/2023 15:56

I think you need to tread carefully here. I wouldn’t be at all happy but would be doing all I could to keep my DS close to me so that this guy can’t isolate him from you. I think you need to grit your teeth and be accepting and keep an eye on what is going on. I would invite the man to dinner and be welcoming to him.

FartSock5000 · 13/07/2023 16:35

@JulyDays he isn't ready to hear you. You know you are right and your son is being an idiot but this is going to be a hard life lesson for him and you need to let him crash.

The older guy is after a twink and will dump your boy when he matures in a few years. Your son thinks this is the love of his life and its all very exciting. He will have a broken heart when he gets dumped so all you can do is be there for him, tell him how amazing he is etc.

Let the dust settle and then just reach out for lunches or things like that. Be his Mum as a friend. Don't judge or comment. You know this is going to be a disaster but your son cannot see that yet with his cock goggles on.

I wouldn't be surprised if the whole thing ends in a year once the older nonce (men who target 17 years old children ARE nonces) gets bored with putting up with a stroppy teenager who is more effort than he can be bothered with.

BUT do not ever let him get physical with you again. That is assault and you should report it to Police on 101 if he does it again. He may be immature but he isn't stupid and he wouldn't hit his teacher or a work mate so he doens't get to hit you either.

Flip