What is your attachment style, and have you ever been in an abusive relationship?

[trudgingon]

I have been in one abusive relationship a decade ago which thankfully I managed to get away from after a painful, confusing time. Reflecting on it, it's almost like my whole attachment style changed during that time, and then became far more healthy again once I was free.

I had a great attachment to my Mom growing up (no dad on the scene) she was very loving and met all my needs. So I generally consider I have a basically healthy attachment style with the major blip of the abusive relationship.

My Mom though was ill quite a bit during my childhood and interestingly I think this was the "hook" my old abuser used to get me initially, when I was at a very vulnerable time in my life. Abuser made a lot of vague statements about how they were ill and had an emergency situation. I still remember my stomach falling and thinking oh my god, what if it's really serious, and then just an overwhelming wish to make sure he was ok.

Thankfully, I am in a healthy and loving marriage now.

Do you have a healthy attachment style?

If you experienced abuse in the past, do you ever feel they hijacked your attachment style and whole way of relating to others during that time?

I definitely have an anxious attachment style. I love both my parents dearly and we are very close but one of my parents had mental health issues when I was small and it did affect me. They were a much better parent when I became a teenager and the years beyond than when I was a small child.

I was in an incredibly screwed up relationship in my early 20s. He was a narcissist, manipulator, stole from me, cheated on me, the works. Looking back I see that he majorly love bombed me and used all the classic tactics but a) this was at a time when we didn’t widely know about such things and b) I was young, naive and desperate to be loved. At the time I blamed it on the fact that when we met we didn’t have friends in common so I had no one to “vet” him.

Years later I had another bf who I met through a mutual friend. He wasn’t abusive at all but looking back I see he was avoidant and I was anxious. Often the two are drawn together because there are traits in the other you can’t help but be attracted to (so I’ve read). It was a disaster in the end, obviously.

I realised that I needed someone who was very secure in themselves and who gave me constant reassurance and obvious signals of love and affection. But who also wasn’t a psycho narcissist, as they can be very good at putting that kind of thing on in the early days. It sounds pathetic but if I don’t get reassurance I tend to spiral. DH is very good at that, but even a decade later if there’s a day when he feels a bit distant I can get in my own head a bit.

Yeah I had a very abusive relationship for 7 years and it made me much stronger to not tolerate the tiniest bit of bullshit from there on out, but it’s both a blessing and a curse really as I can be ott if my now dh even so much as raises his voice or has the wrong tone so there’s that!

Didn’t have any good examples growing up as my mum and stepdad where extremely toxic and abusive so I think that’s where with my first serious relationship I normalised it for a number of years!

Interesting thoughts, thank you both. Human behaviour is fascinating really isn't it. The patterns we have growing up can help or hinder us so much and it is difficult to even work out what is happening in the moment, especially if somebody is taking advantage of you in some way.

Abusers are fucking awful, they just manipulate us and have a lot to answer for.

Anxious attachment style, and yes. 8 years, about half of it was abusive. Violent, financially, emotionally. My Dad was completely absent from age 2 and my mum was mostly absent. I’m in a great relationship now thankfully which helps a lot so I don’t feel much anxiety, but I definitely noticed it at the start of the relationship.

I think mine comes up as anxious avoidant… I’ve been single for a decade now because it suits me better.

my mum left when j was little and my dad, although doing it solo and working and being a very fun dad, became an alcoholic and violent.

I have an avoidant attachment style that I've worked really hard to overcome. It has meant I've avoided entering into any toxic relationships but it did also mean that it took me longer than average to open up and bring down my walls with my DH. I'm very independant in my mindset and it has been a battle being dependant on my DH as a SAHM. I wasn't willing to let my avoidant style stand in the way of my gut instinct though, and I pushed myself to do what was best for me and my family.

My DM was very volatile. My DF was very childish and carefree. It made me grow up very fast and become self-reliant. I assume that is how my style came about.

Little bit different here, thankfully never been on an abusive relationship but I do find this thing about how you are brought up interesting. My parents doted on each other, didn't do much at all without the other and were very happy and loving. I'm married and happy but I'm fiersly independent, I couldn't imagine being reliant on anyone, I'd hate that. I do often wonder why as it wasn't what was modelled at home and yet there's was a very successful relationship. DH are very close and enjoy each others company but like time on our own too and I hate it if I have to ask him to do something because I cant myself. Weird

*theirs

I have an avoidant attachment style, very independent and struggle with any kind of reliance. I don't equate sex with intimacy which is a challenge in my relationship as my DH has an anxious attachment style... we're working on it!

I had wonderful parents, no toxicity etc. but my father was disabled and I was an only child. My dad needed my mum for all his physical needs but aside from that he worked and had a successful career etc. I think why I am like this is very nuanced, but I guess growing up with a parent with a disability like my fathers is not typical and may have made me grow up quite fast this been less emotionally open to others??

Avoidant attachment (critical, emotionally unavailable mother - although objectively I can see why she is as she is, and how much better she has been than her own mother was).

My first serious adult relationship, in my late teens to early twenties, was with someone much older and was quite controlling and abusive.

I think motherhood has done a lot to heal me, but tbh my insistence on keeping one foot out of the door has been an issue in the handful of relationships I've had since then.

To add to mine. Yes I was in an emotionally and controlling relationship in my early 20's but I got out of it pretty quick. We were together only 2 years. The abuse started after 1 year.