Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Catfishing friend or shallow guys?

14 replies

C1N1C · 07/07/2023 20:58

I have a very good work friend/ colleague who is having 'bad luck' dating locally, and as such has taken to OLD.

She has nice features, but is about 160 cm and 120 kg. The problem is that she loves her filters and will purposely select photos that make her look slim (or just show her face). She'll have very promising conversations with guys, but upon seeing her, they either tell her flat out she looks nothing like her pictures and leave, or wait until sex and ghost her the next day. I dont know what to do. She's constantly upset, but I feel it will be an endless cycle of her coming into work miserable because she has gotten her hopes up.

I want to be supportive... but it just seems like such an obvious fix. It also doesn't help that she jumps into bed quite quickly and sounds like she love-bombs way too soon...

I haven't said anything... should I? Is there a tactful way?

OP posts:
Beezknees · 07/07/2023 21:01

She shouldn't be using filters for OLD.

I am overweight. I accept that some men might not find that attractive, whether that is shallow or not. I wouldn't ever try and pretend that I was slim online, it will only end in tears.

Merryoldgoat · 07/07/2023 21:05

I agree with @Beezknees

I don’t see the point of filters unless they’re ridiculous for fun and they’re definitely not for OLD.

Also, as a fat woman I see zero point in misrepresenting myself to potential dates.

Fighterofthenightman1 · 07/07/2023 21:07

I wouldn't have the nerve to turn up to a date if I'd used filtered photos in my profile 😂

Bless her, it's a difficult one. I think a lot of people live in a warped reality where they think they look like the filtered photos more than they actually do.

Maybe suggest helping her take some nice photos for her profile? You could try and take flattering ones for her? Show off all her best features.

All the men she's dated so far were never going to be right for her but there will be someone out there who will like her for who she is.

The love bombing and jumping into bed too quickly is more difficult to address. I wouldn't know how to approach that one

EmmetEmma · 07/07/2023 21:16

I agree about taking nice photos - tell her that she looks wonderful as she is and shouldn’t hide herself as she will reduce the chance of finding men who fancy the pants off her exactly as she is.

MavisMcMinty · 07/07/2023 21:27

160cms and 120kgs? That is very obese, why would anyone pretend to be slim when they’re not? I mean, if she was just internet-flirting with no intention of actually meeting that’s fair enough, filter away all she likes, but she actually turns up to meet these men - does she hope to have lost all that weight by the time next week’s date comes round?

Curseofthenation · 07/07/2023 21:30

Do you think that she has tried using normal pictures in the past and got no interest? Could it have led to heavy filter use? I'm assuming she looks very different in the pictures if she looks slim as 120kg on someone that is 160cm is considered obese.

I don't think she needs someone pointing out to her that she needs to get rid of the filters. The guys she is dating are already doing that for you. You could offer some suggestions that involve meeting people in real life through a new hobbies, a singles holiday or speed dating for example.

InceyWinceySpidy · 07/07/2023 21:37

Once we get past all the pc nonsense about how looks aren't important, and acknowledge that with OLD people are literally choosing first interactions predominantly on a photo...it's beyond stupid and wastes everyone's time to put a fake picture up.

Because that's what a filter is. A fake photo of yourself. Especially if your portray yourself as a size 12 and turn up a size 22. I'd be monumentally pissed off if a date did that to me, waste your own time to your heart's content, but don't mislead others and waste theirs.

Your shining personality might make someone overlook the fact you said you were 5ft 11, but you're 5ft 10. Your shining personality will not make someone overlook that you pretended to be half the size you are. It's not even about the weight at that point, it's knowing they'll lie to that extent.

Original poster
C1N1C · 08/07/2023 06:39

People have tried to take more flattering pictures of her. She either uses the ones that are shadow/light-perfect, so it looks like she's slimmer (those head tilted, perspective pictures), or filters them herself. I'm not quite sure what her angle is... I think she believes that filters only show you at your best (like makeup and slimming clothes), so it's not really lying. We've had work pictures taken from social events and a managers meeting today, and she snapped at several several of us saying "how could you think that's a good picture?!"... we thought they were nice... and in all honesty, actually did look like how she is daily (unfiltered).

OP posts:
Catsmere · 08/07/2023 07:19

She wouldn't be pleased if some bloke did the same thing to her, now would she?

LodiDodi · 08/07/2023 07:27

The sad thing is she would find men to date who'd love her as she is if she used more accurate photos, because everyone has different tastes in partners. I'm sure she'd be pissed if the guy did similar. Some guys lie in the stats I've dated guys who claim to be 6ft on their profile but aren't much taller than me (I'm 5ft3). And I do date men under 6ft before anyone calls me out on that but when you lie it just causes an awkward situation.

JMSA · 08/07/2023 07:28

The penny just isn't dropping for her, is it? Grin
OP, I don't think anything you can say will make a difference. The blokes have effectively told her that she's a catfish, yet she continues to take filtered photos.
My guess is that the men are very complimentary to her at the messaging stage, and she has become hooked on this as it doesn't happen in real life.

motheroreily · 08/07/2023 07:34

It's a shame she doesn't use more accurate photos because she will be ideal to some people as she is.

I know it's shallow to just judge by looks but that's exactly what you do with online dating. You like a photo and then get to know someone.

Do you think she's in denial about her size?

SullysBabyMama · 08/07/2023 07:35

All the signs point to this being a self-esteem issue, but it’s a vicious cycle as her self-esteem must take a hit when they ghost her after sex.
It could be quite addictive, the highs of all the compliments she relishes at the beginning before meeting and the lows of the being used and rejected, similar to a toxic relationship becoming a cycle, she is maybe in a cycle with herself and OLD.
I imagine she needs therapy before getting into a relationship, not more flattering/realistic photos.

Natty13 · 09/07/2023 17:46

Suggest she goes to in person dating events.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page