Excessive contact from school

[HenryCavillsPerfectTeeth]

Aibu to feel that my sons school contacts me far too much during the day?

My 12yo son attends a special school as he is autistic. Since moving to this school I have been called by the school almost on a daily basis sometimes multiple times a day as well as emails and requests for video calls to discuss things that can usually wait until the end of the day and in some cases are dramatic. Often these include requests to collect.

Some examples include

"X has said a swear word /sentence and we are concerned. Could you come in to discuss" the one they expressed most "concern" over was my child saying to his friend "your bum smells"

"Want to talk to you about something x said" (he said he has YouTube on his tablet and they were "concerned" that he was allowed to use it )

"Want to talk to you about something x said" (he told the teacher he played on Xbox live with his friends and teacher then wanted to complain about screen time)

"Want to discuss some serious concerns" (he had told the teacher that he doesn't like the sandwich I sent)

"Can you collect x as he is upset and so we don't want to send him home on the transport later and then we can discuss concerns" (his favourite teacher was not available today. He was happy to go on the transport)

"Urgently need to discuss some concerning behaviour" (he had drawn a silly picture of a stick figure having a wee)

"X needs to see a doctor immediately can you collect and go straight to gp or if not then a&e" (he had been playing football and fell and landed on his hands grazing his palms)

"X is very unwell and needs collecting" (had a headache)

"Please collect x and seek immediate medical attention" (heat rash)

I have been contacted 6 times in the last month just to request that I collect him, One of those times he was genuinely ill. I have counted the contact on my phone over the last month and I have received 34 phone calls, one video call and 12 emails. Most of those again describing events as "concerning". This to me is ridiculous especially as these are all during work time. I have previously asked them to limit their phone calls to emergencies and this lasted maybe 2 weeks then returned to the previous.

I appreciate that my child has issues with behaviour and also food and that some of the coping mechanisms maybe aren't that wonderful ie screen time, and sometimes he may say things that aren't entirely appropriate, but this is all part and parcel of his autism and I thought a special school would be more understanding of these behaviours without having to phone me every five seconds. When I do not answer they simply keep redialling or bombard me with emails asking for me to call or telling me they are trying to call. I cannot turn my phone off in case it is an actual emergency.

That does sound excessive. My dd is at an independent specialist school. I would only get a call for something serious. Any incidents are emailed on a form. The teacher sends me an email once a week just updating me on the week and letting me know any concerns or positives.

This sounds very excessive to me. Most of the examples you’ve given are things that are totally standard for any 12-year-old boy, with or without autism, and the things that are a little out of the ordinary are things a SEN school should not be at all fazed by. Being allowed screen time at home is absolutely none of the school’s business. I can just about see why they’d have sent him home with a heat rash, because rashes aren’t easy to diagnose and for all they knew it might have been a contagious thing, but telling you to take a child to the GP or A&E for ordinary bumps and grazes?! Are they mad?

Totally OTT, I'd ignore their calls.

There were so many drawings of hairy spunking willies during my time at secondary. On exercise books, on MS Paint during IT, pinned to notice boards and graffitied on desks and walls. A stick man having a slash would probably have been a nice change for the teachers!

In Year 1 I got a phone call to collect DS1. He had a massive lump and graze on his forehead after falling on tarmac. They wanted me to watch him for signs of concussion and send him in the next day if all was well (it was), not take him to A&E!

That’s insane. Is it all from the same person, or part of a wider school pattern? Are you friends with other parents to find out if they’re getting a similar level of calls?

Honestly, I would ignore it.

If he gets transport does that mean there’s no obvious time to talk to you? I tend to get “can we have a little chat” about my autistic child at pick up - a phone call about poor language or inappropriate drawings or a sandwich on the one hand seems excessive but on the other I can see they need to tell you and if you aren’t there doing drop off and picks ups I guess they have to phone. Daily and repeat dialling is ridiculous though. Have you suggested a weekly “check in phone call” instead of individual calls? Or a home-school communication book (which you can then read at your leisure, roll your eyes about and ignore)?

Telling you to go to A&E etc is overstepping - I can understand them wanting to send him home with a mysterious rash or if the grazes or headache were distressing him/he was refusing first aid, but I doubt they have any medical qualifications beyond a first aid course and they’re in no position to order you to go to hospital over a grazed hand! I do think though that if a child says they don’t feel well and need to go home then you have to expect they’ll call you, I wouldn’t be impressed if school staff started judging what is or isn’t “seriously ill”.

As for screen time, there’s surely not many 12 year old boys that don’t have screen time or play consoles? It’s none of their business.

I don't ever see any of the other parents as I don't go to the school but have given the staff my email address if they have something they need to tell me and this means it doesn't disturb me at work but so they still have a method of contact for everyday update type things. He had a diary which they then just began writing "will give you a call during the week re today"

I don't mind being called to pick him up if he is genuinely ill, and this is part of the reason I don't want constant phone calls because I am now in a position where I am forced to answer or return every call in case he needs me. It comes across so unprofessional at work having to keep excusing myself for personal calls.

I have spoken to my own friends and family and none of them have this kind of contact, in fact those with multiple children are still receiving less pestering than me and my one!

It's the deputy head teacher and his class teacher doing it. I appreciate teachers are really short on time and don't have time to write a million emails but the amount of time spent phoning me would probably tally up as equivalent...

I hate seeing their name pop up on my phone now

Tell them you can only answer calls that are an emergency during work hours, and to put anything else in an email or in his communication book.

If they ring again about something trivial, kindly remind them that you can only answer calls that are an emergency in work hours and that you don't consider this to be an emergency, and refuse to dicuss it further. They will soon stop.

I would try and nip this in the bud now. This happened to me about 3 years ago. I was getting daily phone calls to collect him because they couldn't manage his meltdowns essentially. They would tell me that he's drawn some concerning pictures, that he watches too much YouTube, almost berating me. I developed an anxiety disorder and truly believe I had a breakdown because I was constantly on edge. I had to delete their number because seeing the schools name pop up filled me with anxiety. Still to this day, I can't save the schools number. Send them an email with your concerns, and if its causing you stress and affecting your job, mention that. If, after your email, that excessive contact continues, make a formal complaint. If that fails, take it to the governing body

"X has said a swear word /sentence and we are concerned. Could you come in to discuss" the one they expressed most "concern" over was my child saying to his friend "your bum smells" normal for teens regardless of neurodiversity

"Want to talk to you about something x said" (he said he has YouTube on his tablet and they were "concerned" that he was allowed to use it ) they can express a concern but cannot veto his use unless there's a safeguarding issue with regard to content

"Want to talk to you about something x said" (he told the teacher he played on Xbox live with his friends and teacher then wanted to complain about screen time) given this gaming is socialisation for him their reaction is OTT

"Want to discuss some serious concerns" (he had told the teacher that he doesn't like the sandwich I sent) not serious at all

"Can you collect x as he is upset and so we don't want to send him home on the transport later and then we can discuss concerns" (his favourite teacher was not available today. He was happy to go on the transport) should have let him use the transport

"Urgently need to discuss some concerning behaviour" (he had drawn a silly picture of a stick figure having a wee) secondary NT as pp has said would draw cocks and spunk

"X needs to see a doctor immediately can you collect and go straight to gp or if not then a&e" (he had been playing football and fell and landed on his hands grazing his palms) not an emergency

"X is very unwell and needs collecting" (had a headache) only if inconsolable

"Please collect x and seek immediate medical attention" (heat rash) depends on if they were escalating/spiralling

It seems beyond excessive and they appear to be very reactive to things given resilience is a skill all kids require.

Do they do this to all pupils do you think, as a pp experienced, as they cannot cope with meltdowns so are almost illegally excluding? What are the staffing ratios?

47 contacts in a month works out at 2-3 calls every single school day. Bloody hell

None of these things appear to be serious. I think you need to let the school know the extent of the contact, if there are multiple staff they perhaps aren't aware of the cumulative impact.

I would write a version of your OP as bulletpoints to the head and literally say none of these things are genuinely of concern and you want to request excessive contact to stop and also more discerning approach to "illness"

Say they are welcome to contact you anytime for genuinely serious reasons

The boys at my mainstream school were saying and drawing much worse at 12. This sounds ridiculous.

Also, why would anyone first aid trained suggest A&E for standard grazes?!

Thanks all. Yes I think it is time to be a bit more firm with the request for this to stop.

Is his school effectively a primary school which has grown to secondary age without a change in staff? That's the only reason I can come up with for this kind of contact - if they were used to dealing with 5yr olds!

From what you've said none of this would cause comment let alone calls home in our (mainstream) secondary.

My concern is that they are trying to paint a picture of serious issues with a view to exclude him. Check out the schools behaviour policy and see if that rings any bells with what they are reporting.

I used to work in a specialist school and none of these things would have had us phoning home. We had home-school diaries and I'd have mentioned the sandwich in case you didn't know that he had gone off whatever filling it was but mainly so you'd know why it was uneaten, and what he'd had instead.
It does sound as though staff don't fully understand teens and autistic youngsters, either that or they've had a safeguarding scare and are now overcompensating and flagging every single thing.
There's no way we would have had the time to be phoning parents every day unless it was urgent, we would organise calls with families to catch up with them and if parents worked then these were in the early evening.

I remember getting a missed call from school while I was in work one day. This was followed by an email (I saw them both at the same time) telling me DS had been displaying behaviour that was "completely unacceptable". I emailed back asking what he had done and got a response from the receptionist saying she didn't actually know (?!) and that she would get the teacher to call me.

Teacher calls and tells me that DS and some other boys were "flicking water at each other in the toilets"...

My response was along these lines... "I'm currently in work in a mental health home that is in full lockdown (IE, all residents were confined to their rooms for 14 days) due to Covid and I am one of the remaining two staff members we have. He is 8. Get a grip."

I'm.a teacher
Tell them.straight to onli phone you if he is I'll or it is something serious. Explain you cannot take calls throughout the day. It seems excessive. They.probably trying to cover themselves.

This is the sort of level of contact we got from mainstream school when DS was struggling (p- they were trying to document everything they didn't like to build a case for him not to be there. It was exhausting and I was on eggshells all day waiting for contact.

When he started at an autism specialist school it totally stopped. They do and sort everything. We get 1 phone call a week usually just to catch up - mostly on the good rather than labour on the issues. Our school would be very relaxed and calm about most of the issues above and deal with them themselves in a variety of ways without ever telling us!

They should have a platform like class dojo or a home school communication book that is written in once a day or once a week.