To say something to my partner?

forthesakeofdignity · 2023-07-07T12:13:00+00:00

Partner and I have been together 4.5 years, we have a 1 year old. We weren't avoiding having a DC when I got pregnant but weren't anticipating the timing of it either. The sheer overwhelmingness of becoming a new mother (postpartum recovery/hormones, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation) meant our relationship took a hit. I was snappier over trivial things, had zero interest in physical intimacy, etc. My partner voiced his concerns over how all of it was making him feel several times (specifically the lack of physicality) and although I sympathised, I couldn't bring myself to want to have intimacy with him. Not because of him, which I repeatedly and explicitly clarified, but because I was too touched out, too tired, too hormonally out of whack. Several months we began to commit to having one afternoon a week, just the two of us, to go and have an adult lunch, have sex, just spend a bit of time with each other as a couple. It seemed to be having a positive impact on our relationship. We've just come back from a family holiday, and in an entire week, we hugged once which was initiated by me. We've hardly spoken, there's been no complimenting, and there's been no physical touch. Even in bed we haven't so much as touched. I really want to say something, but after I spent months being completely disinterested, I now feel I'd be having the audacity to make a comment about his distance with me. Would I be BU or am I over thinking?

twoandcooplease · 07/07/2023 13:17

Yes I would say something
I have been in this situation with my DP feeling exactly the same as you and his reaction the same as your DP
Like you we agreed to put time aside to be together

If he then gave a big fat rejection like yours has on holiday I'd definitely definitely be saying something. It's taken you a lot to get to what you've agreed to. He's being unfair

justanothermanicmonday1 · 07/07/2023 13:18

You have to say something. You can't be in a relationship like that.

Incognito2023 · 07/07/2023 13:20

Bit confused - sounds like you’d made some progress, committing to the afternoon of couple time each week - well done, good plan. But then you don’t explain what happened on holiday? Were you irritated with each other, did something go wrong, bad weather/accommodation etc?

We need a bit more context here

You may be overthinking things, but generally I say it’s always good to talk… ask him why he seems more distant, is there something wrong - it might be work or other family etc, and not you?

Babsexxx · 07/07/2023 13:21

Well did you try and initiate anything? He’s probably respecting your boundaries tbh.

They aren’t mind readers as I’ve just learnt myself I got really angry at dh for not initiating sex because I had gallstones a few weeks ago and wasn’t fit for purpose let alone that.

Now they’ve died down I’m at the very end of my pregnancy hornier than ever secretly seething he didn’t initiate anything untill one morning I snapped lol did feel like a idiot when he explained. I bet it’s a similar situation.

Original poster

forthesakeofdignity · 07/07/2023 13:37

Incognito2023 · 07/07/2023 13:20

Bit confused - sounds like you’d made some progress, committing to the afternoon of couple time each week - well done, good plan. But then you don’t explain what happened on holiday? Were you irritated with each other, did something go wrong, bad weather/accommodation etc?

We need a bit more context here

You may be overthinking things, but generally I say it’s always good to talk… ask him why he seems more distant, is there something wrong - it might be work or other family etc, and not you?

Unfortunately there is no context. Nothing happened that would initiate such a weird dynamic between us. We went out for lunch as usual the week before we went away and then I don't know what happened.

OP posts:

Original poster

forthesakeofdignity · 07/07/2023 16:34

Babsexxx · 07/07/2023 13:21

Well did you try and initiate anything? He’s probably respecting your boundaries tbh.

They aren’t mind readers as I’ve just learnt myself I got really angry at dh for not initiating sex because I had gallstones a few weeks ago and wasn’t fit for purpose let alone that.

Now they’ve died down I’m at the very end of my pregnancy hornier than ever secretly seething he didn’t initiate anything untill one morning I snapped lol did feel like a idiot when he explained. I bet it’s a similar situation.

I didn't, admittedly, and you're very right about not expecting men to be mind readers. Maybe he has gotten used to my previous boundaries and I'm comparing every day scenarios to when he will come on to be at the point we both know we're about to have sex, so not really a fair comparison at all. I'd not thought about it like that really, thank you.

OP posts:

onefinemess · 07/07/2023 17:03

OP, imagine you're running a business with another person, you both have 50/50 stake in the venture. Your lifestyle depends on the success of that business, if it fails you lose your home, your credit, your reputation. Everything.

Now imagine your business partner, whom you depend on to be there for you, to be invested emotionally in the business, to be present and accountable, to help bring in clients, to help close deals, to help bring in money so that you can pay your bills. Imagine that person told you everyday how disinterested they were in the business, how they just didn't feel like doing any work. Imagine they just kept asking you to leave them alone and stop bothering them. Imagine if they said

"It's not you, I'm just not interested in work at the moment, could you stop asking me to do stuff, you're stressing me out. I'm just not into this whole business thing right now"

How much confidence would you have in them as a partner?

Would you ignore what they were telling you and carry on as normal, or would you believe their words and conclude that the business was in serious trouble, you are going to lose everything because if they leave the business closes?

It might seem a somewhat crude comparison but you could look at your relation the same way. Men and women think differently, what is common sense to you, won't be to him. I suspect that he has put a wall up due to your distancing yourself from him. He will have thought about life without you, and once people start to think that way about their relationships things can deteriorate rapidly. You repeatedly asked him to stay away from you, you effectively told him you weren't interested in the business, and he, in response, began to consider going it alone. Protecting what little he would have left were you to quit.

How you come back from this is the question. You both have to rebuild the trust and connection which has died. You both need to get to a place where you trust the other person again, but real trust, not trust by numbers.

There's no point in thinking "well if he were a good partner he would have supported me and understood". Because he is thinking the same thing, that YOU didn't understand HIM and HIS needs.

Fixing this has to be something you actually want, not just something you're doing because you feel like you should.

Right or wrong, he is going to feel hurt by your constant rejection, for men, sex is a way of restoring the connection, for us, sex tends to be something we do after we feel connected.

Start slowly, but you have to be genuine,

Original poster

forthesakeofdignity · 07/07/2023 22:32

onefinemess · 07/07/2023 17:03

OP, imagine you're running a business with another person, you both have 50/50 stake in the venture. Your lifestyle depends on the success of that business, if it fails you lose your home, your credit, your reputation. Everything.

Now imagine your business partner, whom you depend on to be there for you, to be invested emotionally in the business, to be present and accountable, to help bring in clients, to help close deals, to help bring in money so that you can pay your bills. Imagine that person told you everyday how disinterested they were in the business, how they just didn't feel like doing any work. Imagine they just kept asking you to leave them alone and stop bothering them. Imagine if they said

"It's not you, I'm just not interested in work at the moment, could you stop asking me to do stuff, you're stressing me out. I'm just not into this whole business thing right now"

How much confidence would you have in them as a partner?

Would you ignore what they were telling you and carry on as normal, or would you believe their words and conclude that the business was in serious trouble, you are going to lose everything because if they leave the business closes?

It might seem a somewhat crude comparison but you could look at your relation the same way. Men and women think differently, what is common sense to you, won't be to him. I suspect that he has put a wall up due to your distancing yourself from him. He will have thought about life without you, and once people start to think that way about their relationships things can deteriorate rapidly. You repeatedly asked him to stay away from you, you effectively told him you weren't interested in the business, and he, in response, began to consider going it alone. Protecting what little he would have left were you to quit.

How you come back from this is the question. You both have to rebuild the trust and connection which has died. You both need to get to a place where you trust the other person again, but real trust, not trust by numbers.

There's no point in thinking "well if he were a good partner he would have supported me and understood". Because he is thinking the same thing, that YOU didn't understand HIM and HIS needs.

Fixing this has to be something you actually want, not just something you're doing because you feel like you should.

Right or wrong, he is going to feel hurt by your constant rejection, for men, sex is a way of restoring the connection, for us, sex tends to be something we do after we feel connected.

Start slowly, but you have to be genuine,

I really appreciate the time it must have taken to write this, thank you. I have proposed relationship counselling to my partner after reading your post and he is open to the idea so I hope it'll be the start of a much stronger chapter of our relationship.

OP posts:

Lacucuracha · 08/07/2023 07:24

Why are you just lying there expecting him to make an effort?