Family life with 2 DC

[Fluffnutter]

I have 2 DC and DH and I have deliberated over having a third for the last two years. A few months ago we decided not to for various reasons (age gap, my age etc) but I can't seem to get past it and it occupies my mind most days.

I think the thing that bothers me most is that we both come from larger families (I'm the youngest of 4 and DH is the youngest of 3) so we're used to all the chaos, business and banter that goes along with that. When my oldest two siblings went to university, I found the house super quiet in comparison.

So my question is, for those people with 2 DC in their teens or older, what was the family dynamic like as they got older? My DC are primary school aged, so at the moment of course there's lots going on all the time, but I imagine that will change a lot as they get older.

I've got a bunch of kids, so a bit of a spread. So I'd be comparing my older against my younger ones to think about the dynamic you'd have with a third. What elements of the family dynamic are you thinking of? There's quite a few variables. Some get on more than others. The older ones are more nurturing of the younger ones since they are at a totally different developmental stage. It comes down to personality really and I don't know how it will play out with your children. If you had a third, the kids would be at quite different life stages by the sound of it. If you do it will work out.

I guess I feel there's always something going on with more DC, and more siblings for them to interact with. My DC get on but my older DC also gets very focused on his own interests which means they spend a lot of time doing their own thing too. As they get older I have this vision that it will be quiet, and dare I say it, boring? with everyone doing their own thing. This is probably based on my experience when my older siblings went off to uni.

I'd say that teens take more parenting than toddlers, unless you are very lucky. There's a lot of pressure on teens, from all directions and then you've got bullying and knife crime thrown in. You need to be available because you sometimes have to drag information out of them. Personally I found it freeing when they got more independent and did a Degree as a mature student, on top of other courses. I did have three though and was widowed. Only one of my children have GC, which I'm happy about tbh. I've had health issues and you can only spread yourself so much. As you both age the possibility of autism increases, my youngest is autistic and that brings its challenges. You might live in a place were many things don't apply. The menopause hit me hard, I'm glad that my youngest was sixteen, any younger and she would have suffered in some way.

I have an older half sister and always envied big families. When you start to mix you realise that not all siblings are close, emotionally or even geographically. This sounds as it's your need for busyness, not because you want a baby, that you are considering a third.

I think it's my desire to create aspects of family life which I really enjoyed as a child, and am concerned I can't recreate with 2 DC.

You may be disappointed if you try to recreate something, or have too firm a vision on how things will be with a larger family. Your children have different personalities and might not want what you have in mind.

One of my friends bought her daughter a beautiful dollhouse because she had always wanted one as a child, so gave one to her daughter. Her daughter didn't even want to look at it and had other interests. Our children and families are not our families of origin and you will get what you get, not what you want. It's not less, just different.

That's very true @ChocBananaSmoothie, I need to be able to move past this because it's stopping me (and us) from moving forward in life.

I'd say decide if you want another child for whatever it will be. Not for some preconceived idea of how it will be, because you just don't know what you will get. :-)

With how expensive life is I’d stick at 2

I'm also one of 4 kids, I was number 3 so never experienced the truely empty house but it did get less busy (I actually liked it!). I now have 2 DC both young teenagers, and its ridiculously busy, both of them are into a couple of sports each + my DH and I have been able to take up activities again that we let slide when the kids were very young. I love that each member of the household has something they love to do BUT I hate how frantic everything is and can't imagine having 3 DC and another persons hobbies/interests to try to fit in. I suppose, had we had 3 dc, everyone would have had to do less maybe?

I had more than three and no-one did less. Somehow we worked it all together. :-)

Wow, sounds busy enough then @Eventhedog

You make it work. We have 3 and I'm one of 4 whilst dh is one of 2. Our kids do after school clubs which is easier for me as I don't drive so don't need to ferry them back and forth on the bus or wait for dh to take them to clubs further away. I've limited it to 2 activities each a week plus swimming and learning arabic. I work part time, dh is full time but in a job with a higher degree of flexibility, he compressed his hours so we don't need childcare for the baby. She sleeps well which has made things a lot easier. It is busy but I'm a stickler for routine and dh is an equal partner so it never feels like too much. You also learn not to sweat the small stuff and look at the bigger picture.

Have as many kids as you want because you want them. I wouldn't have them in the hope that they grow up being the best of friends because there just are no guarantees. The family dynamic will change several times over.

Whilst our home is busy it never feels chaotic because dh and I are both on it. Comes down to personality too I guess.