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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel boring/overlooked now I don't drink

11 replies

Wellwellwellwhatsallthisthen · 06/07/2023 16:19

I've been sober for a year, due to a combination of reasons but mainly that I'd had enough of hangxiety, feeling like shit the following day/s after, and just general health reasons.

I feel good about the decision and don't want to go back. BUT, I can't help but feel like I'm no longer seen as an option to have 'fun' with.

For example, I have one friend in particular who has always partied hard (we have been friends since school), and now at 40, a lot of her stories are still based around 'I got soo drunk and this really funny thing happened'. Whilst I don't judge her for drinking (her and I have been very drunk together on multiple occasions in the past), I feel like she now views me differently. e.g, earlier she said 'oh we have to go for a proper night out in Soho soon'....I said 'Yes! Let's do it!' and she then goes 'oh wait I forgot you don't drink, that won't be any fun'. 😕

I feel I'm still capable of going out and having 'fun' without drinking, and funnily enough this friend and I had the most hilarious night out over Christmas - she was drinking, I wasn't - but it seems to get forgotten.

Not really sure what my question is here....I guess, does anyone else feel like they have to prove they can still have fun sober? Or convince their drinking friends that they can? I don't want all my friend catch-ups to just be sat in my house having coffee 😩

OP posts:
JeandeServiette · 06/07/2023 16:21

I just volunteer to drive these days. That way even the drunkest friends see the point of me ( and don't keep trying to force me to drink).

camelfinger · 06/07/2023 16:32

I think YANBU. But surely it’s a different vibe going out sober than when you used to get really drunk together? Ashamedly most of my best nights out have involved lots of drinking. I’m older now so don’t mind going out for meals and not drinking. But I would definitely have fewer stories to tell if we’d not gone out drinking for a time. Perhaps your friend is mourning the end of the times you had together? Could you keep reminding her of the Christmas night out?

Comedycook · 06/07/2023 16:35

I don't drink and I think it really does affect my social worth.

Watchkeys · 06/07/2023 16:37

It's that you are boring and overlooked to some people. The people who think that drinking is the best thing ever. You are not one of those people anymore. They are not your people. Find new people.

It's not up to others to find you interesting and fun. It's up to you to find people who find you interesting and fun. This is your responsibility, and your decision, to enjoy alcohol free/limited fun. If you hang around with drinkers, don't expect it to work for them too.

SharonAndTracey · 06/07/2023 16:40

I have never drunk and have been surrounded by drinkers, including my husband. I know I am great company though and value myself. I don’t feel overlooked and get invited to everything.

However It can be boring being stuck around drunk people after a while, so I just jump in the car and head home ;-) Not drinking doesn’t make someone boring!

Original poster
Wellwellwellwhatsallthisthen · 06/07/2023 16:47

camelfinger · 06/07/2023 16:32

I think YANBU. But surely it’s a different vibe going out sober than when you used to get really drunk together? Ashamedly most of my best nights out have involved lots of drinking. I’m older now so don’t mind going out for meals and not drinking. But I would definitely have fewer stories to tell if we’d not gone out drinking for a time. Perhaps your friend is mourning the end of the times you had together? Could you keep reminding her of the Christmas night out?

I think you're right about her possibly mourning the end of our drinking times. But maybe I am too. She's one of the only friends I have where our social history has been based around drinking as the sole 'activity'.
It's a good suggestion to remind her about the Christmas night out, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellwellwellwhatsallthisthen · 06/07/2023 16:51

Watchkeys · 06/07/2023 16:37

It's that you are boring and overlooked to some people. The people who think that drinking is the best thing ever. You are not one of those people anymore. They are not your people. Find new people.

It's not up to others to find you interesting and fun. It's up to you to find people who find you interesting and fun. This is your responsibility, and your decision, to enjoy alcohol free/limited fun. If you hang around with drinkers, don't expect it to work for them too.

I understand what you're saying. The rest of my friends are a mixture of drinkers/sober, and it's only really this one friend I feel this with. I think perhaps because with my other friends we arrange more things to do like days out, activities etc. But my social history with this friend has always centred around drinking as the activity. So it makes sense she might feel differently now.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 06/07/2023 17:07

at 40, a lot of her stories are still based around 'I got soo drunk and this really funny thing happened

God, what a bore she sounds. Will throwing up/falling down in public still be as funny when she's 50?

Congratulations on giving that up; think of all the money freed up for other things.

Choose fun activities that don't include/require a pub bar or bottle!

Start a new hobby, sport or group interest where you'll meet lively interesting new people and be fully involved in doing something together. The world is your oyster.

Miekle · 06/07/2023 17:21

Is it a bit like other food/drink things you do socially? So like having a load of friends over for a nice meal but one of them brings their rice cakes because they're on a diet. Or coming in from a cold walk with a friend and sharing a pot of tea, but they don't drink tea and only want a glass of water. Both these things are fine, and the company can still be really fun, but they aren't fully participating in the shared activity?

I drink socially, but never get drunk. I would enjoy going to the pub with anyone, whatever they were drinking. But if I liked to actually get drunk, I would want at least one other person in my group to be drinking to some extent too, otherwise I'm doing the social activity all on my own.

Not sure I've explained that very well! Basically you can be loads of fun whilst not drinking and that's great, but if you're just going out with one friend I can see why she wouldn't want to be the only one drinking. You're both right.

Watchkeys · 06/07/2023 17:23

I left an old friend behind because of this, @Wellwellwellwhatsallthisthen We'd always enjoyed drinking together, and staying over at each other's houses because we were too drunk to go home, and breakfast the next day in a ridiculous, still-a-bit-drunk, hilarious fug.

When I stopped drinking, she used to phone me up sober, and drink a bottle of wine whilst we were on the phone. She'd be slurring, and I was just expected to listen to her drunken nonsense.

Sometimes you have to accept that friends grow apart, people change, etc. It's a shame, but it wouldn't do to stay the same forever, because other people wanted you to.

CoffeeCantata · 06/07/2023 18:02

To answer your question: I can definitly have fun when sober, but NOT in the company of drunks.

I've never liked alcohol much and really only enjoy a drink with food, so can't identify with the culture of getting drunk and helpless. What I do know is that time spent with drunks while you are sober is time wasted. They won't remember anything about the 'fun' next day and drunks talk absolute rubbish anyway.

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