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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so irritated by my mum?

27 replies

Feelsomean · 06/07/2023 13:19

I feel so bad, and could never say this to anyone in real life. Sorry I’m trying to keep it short but I’m rambling in my head.

My mum is 80 and I find her so irritating that sometimes I don’t recognise myself and my horrible inner anger!

Sounds stupid in writing as each thing seems so trivial.

Mum loves the internet. I’m so glad this is a world that has opened up to her with a bit of coaching from me. She makes mistakes but generally loves browsing using the microphone function. Way back I said not to buy online, this would be a disaster as she’d be ripped off in no time, but to tell me and I’ll order it and she can give me the money ( thinking new fridge, pair slippers whatever) So every day without fail I have at least one, sometimes two or more orders of random shit from eBay. Plastic crap and nonsense that she never uses or needs all the way up to fridges and tvs. I patiently order the whole lot, which is annoying but still. Then, she sends some of it back. Like she used to do with catalogue stuff, but now guess who has to repack the lot, organise refunds, spend ages talking to chat bots and go to the drop off points…

Anyway, I know this is an old person pastime so endure it. She lives with my dad who’s 85 so not lonely as such, but probably bored at times and they enjoy the packages coming 😟

Now, I have a busy household. I work, have a husband and two adult children at home. We’re just in the process of selling a house (very stressful sale) and are going on a family holiday in a couple of weeks abroad. I’m very lucky I know, but I’m sure you’re all familiar with the shopping, ironing, packing and organising that’s going on whilst working, looking after house, parents etc.

So mum always panics when I’m going away. Suddenly she thinks she’s going to get toothache so she quickly arranges a dentist appointment the day before I leave for example when I’m knee deep in organising stuff, working etc. Today she wants to know when I can take her to have her toenails cut. I say Mondays or Wednesday as always, as those are my days off. She says she’ll leave it a bit. I say, do it soon otherwise it’ll be right as I go on holiday. She dithers and says next week is too early, maybe the week after. I explain the completion date for the house is that week. She doesn’t care. She said next week is too early maybe the week of completion or the week after. I say I’m going on holiday the week after and not to book it the morning of the flight or whatever she usually does!!!!

She saw her own mother once a week when I was young, never worked and spent her free time in the pub. I think I’m resentful that even though I should be happy to take my mum to a measly nail appointment when others do so much for their parents I’m so pissed off!!!!

I feel she has either no concept whatsoever of how much I do with my day (including making sure they’re ok obviously- appointments/ shopping/ admin etc) or she does and doesn’t care anyway. We regularly get ‘phone calls to check the broken tv/ boiler or whatever. I have two brothers who do fuck all. Last time the boiler packed up I reminded her she is in a council flat and they would treat it as an emergency but no, we have to go round, ‘phone a gas fitter friend to come round etc etc.

I know I know I’m a cow and I’m angry!!!! The older I get the worse I feel. My irritability could be menopause I guess but I hate myself for feeling like this.

Anyone else’s mums annoying them?

Please please I know she won’t be here forever and some of you would love for your mums to be here and I’m sorry, but this feeling is getting me down.

OP posts:
RhodaDendron · 06/07/2023 13:23

The thing that jumps out for me is that you have two brothers who don’t get lumbered with this!
I don’t know what you do about it since you’re already telling her your limits and it’s not sinking in. I feel for you!

Lemoncurdslice · 06/07/2023 13:24

Sounds very tough OP. I know ‘boundaries’ is an overused term these days but you really could do with having some. You can still be the same kind and supportive daughter but it might help the internal rage. Your mum has other options she just is used to relying on you for everything. It really really is ok to say No and follow through sometimes.

Fatat40 · 06/07/2023 13:25

You need to start saying no. You don't "have" to do half the stuff on that list. Just say no.

gamerchick · 06/07/2023 13:41

The only thing you can do really is say no I can't do that, ask brother to do it. Or give her wrong dates for stuff.

Let go of the FOG stuff. You're not obliged to do anything while your siblings do nothing OP.

Constellationstation · 06/07/2023 13:52

I think one of your issues here is that, not only are you feeling annoyed with your mum, but then you’re feeling annoyed at yourself for feeling annoyed with your mum so your feelings of annoyance are doubled!
I used to get really annoyed with certain people in my life, but when the feelings of annoyance came up I started accepting my feelings rather than feeling bad and trying to fight them, then I found that I wouldn’t get so annoyed in the first place. Sorry if that sounds a bit woo woo and not very practical but it really helped me be a bit more zen!
On a practical note I do think you need to put your foot down more! You sound like a really nice daughter and could definitely get away with doing less. Perhaps tell your mum that certain things are sold out if you really feel she doesn’t need them and would only send them back.

TheWalrusdidbeseech · 06/07/2023 13:57

You sound lovely. You could be a bit more firm with her, warning her " I CANNOT help you on xyz day".

You are seeing her a lot, you can even buy her a calendar and cross in red the days you are not available.

not to book it the morning of the flight or whatever she usually does
if she does, too bad, it has to be a taxi, YOU ARE NOT AVAILABLE.

Just keep it light and firm, you are doing nothing wrong, and won't have resentment building up.

Inertia · 06/07/2023 14:01

I think you need to start delegating a bit more to your brothers.

It might also be worth setting up a credit t card which is entirely separate from her bank accounts, so she can use that for internet shopping.

Could you shown online calendar and block out dates when you are unavailable?

Shinyandnew1 · 06/07/2023 14:04

Last time the boiler packed up I reminded her she is in a council flat and they would treat it as an emergency but no, we have to go round, ‘phone a gas fitter friend to come round etc etc.

You don’t have to, no. You say no, then you don’t go. If they want to ask your brothers, they can do that. Or they can phone the landlord.

Start saying no to things that are inconvenient and tell her why.

Grendalsmum · 06/07/2023 14:06

Totally feel your pain, mine is pretty similar!

Beamur · 06/07/2023 14:06

You don't have time for all of this.
Be a bit firmer. Tell don't ask.
Ordering stuff daily is bonkers. Put aside one day to do them all, ditto returns.

Mary46 · 06/07/2023 14:11

Be more strict op. They get selfish. Found mine was ring at school times. I couldnt answer as meet my driver then. Everything is urgent too. Same age group. I do what I can one morning a week

Defender90 · 06/07/2023 14:12

I sympathise, I have similar with my Dad and a grandparent, I honestly think they forget what it's like to work and juggle your own home stuff around that.

Recently I said to Dad, you know there hasn't been one call from you this week that hasn't had a job in it, he was taken back and has improved since!

Try saying no that doesn't work for me, set dates and stick to them. Good luck!

Landndialamrhf · 06/07/2023 14:14

Your brothers can help or your mum can be more considerate of your time
start saying no sorry that won’t work for me, ask DB1 or 2
Tell her, I can take you on x day, if that doesn’t work for you, you’ll need to ask DBs or someone else
I’m not free from x date as I’ll be busy sorting things for the move or our holiday

it’s ok to feel annoyed though, you don’t have to be annoyed at the situation and then annoyed at yourself on top
its annoying to be parenting two more people, that your brothers don’t have to think about, and who you never asked to parent. And it’s annoying that you have to feel guilty if you want to say no.

Backstreets · 06/07/2023 14:15

Stop being so hard on yourself please! My mum is constantly setting boundaries with her dad but she’s still over at least once a day. If she didn’t she’d have to quit her job and marriage, she could spend the rest of his life looking for their fucking remote or ordering takeaway. It’s a difficult phase.

Lavender14 · 06/07/2023 14:16

I'd be curious about why your brothers aren't stepping in? Are they local? Is there a reason why they can't?

If there's no good reason then I'd ask to meet up with them and explain you can't continue taking on all responsibility to do with your parents so you need them to help more and make up a rota between the three of you that covers your parents needs .

FictionalCharacter · 06/07/2023 14:18

I know she’s elderly and you’re making allowances because of that, but you’re jumping at her command far too much. Don’t order all the eBay stuff for a start. She’s doing that for entertainment and to fill her time, and it’s causing you a lot of trouble. Don’t run round to check the tv / boiler, they are people whose job it is to do that. You really must start saying No. You feel obliged to do these things but you really aren’t.

Blossomtoes · 06/07/2023 14:19

This is so familiar. I’ll always remember the 25 mile round trip to put new batteries in the TV remote!

I arranged podiatry at home so I didn’t have to take mine. I don’t understand why you didn’t just ring the council instead of the gas fitter.

Xeren · 06/07/2023 14:28

Please STOP minimising your feelings. You are not being ungrateful or a cow.

You’re mum is old, but she sounds very tiring, overbearing and ungrateful. Getting her toenails cut or returning tat online aren’t emergencies.

You need to put your foot down and only do things that are needed and start telling her to sort herself out or get the brothers involved.

Does she even bother to ask your brothers for help or is that just your role?

My mum is younger but the same, always has a job lined up. I’ve pulled back a lot now because it was never appreciated and no matter how much was done it was never enough.

You may even be enabling her dithering and indecisiveness by doing so much for her and being flexible.

Tell her you will only order things but won’t return them so she’s got be very sure what she wants to buy. Give her specific days that you can take her to appointments, if she misses those days, too bad, she can take the bus or Uber.

Holly60 · 06/07/2023 21:53

I bet your mum doesn't ask your brothers because she thinks it's your job to help.

You need to try to get your brothers to pull their weight. It's too much for one person to do on your own.

I would try getting your mum to ask your brothers rather than you - then they can feel frustrated with her, not you.

MereDintofPandiculation · 06/07/2023 22:18

Inertia · 06/07/2023 14:01

I think you need to start delegating a bit more to your brothers.

It might also be worth setting up a credit t card which is entirely separate from her bank accounts, so she can use that for internet shopping.

Could you shown online calendar and block out dates when you are unavailable?

Just as the OP is entitled to say "no", so are her brothers.

LocalHobo · 06/07/2023 22:23

If she can afford the crap let her buy it.
You seem to enjoy being a martyr. Just say no if you don't want to do something. Seething, silent resentment is not healthy.
Why doesn't your Mother ask your brothers to assist her? Have you encouraged her to see you as the golden child?

Letsgocamping67 · 24/08/2023 09:09

I don’t see why she can’t get a taxi for the nail appt. And yes agree absolutely no returns unless necessary. Why are you letting her get away with making your life hell. You have to get firm and start protecting yourself a bit before you burn out.

Shinyandnew1 · 24/08/2023 10:22

Letsgocamping67 · 24/08/2023 09:09

I don’t see why she can’t get a taxi for the nail appt. And yes agree absolutely no returns unless necessary. Why are you letting her get away with making your life hell. You have to get firm and start protecting yourself a bit before you burn out.

This post was a one-off from 6 weeks ago and the OP has never returned to answer anyone questions. I’m guessing they still won’t be back now you’ve revived it!

crossstitchingnana · 24/08/2023 11:05

I find a lot of people in their 80s (including my own parents) just don't understand, or empathise with others and their lives. My dm, for eg, says "I know you're busy" but then calls when I am trying to get to work because she can't print an email.

As a PP said, "everything's an emergency". Probably because they don't have a lot in their lives. The rants they go on, I often want to reply "so what if bin day has been changed? I'm drowning in housework, work and life admin".

Emz6103 · 02/09/2023 00:35

What a horrible sinical comment!!