how to divvy up the housework?

[AllyArty]

Background; dh & I are over 55, both work fulltime, approx 60% at home. We have 4 dc (aged 19-25) who are either back living permanently with us or back and forth to college, work etc)

What he does; empties the dishwasher most mornings, cuts the grass, does most of the gardening and diy, which he is good at.
What I do; all the washing, drying and putting clothes away, cooking evening meals from scratch, cleaning as in washing floors, cleaning surfaces, cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming, changing sheets, grocery planning and shopping, paying bills, keeping a check on finances, organising Christmas, social stuff etc... I could go on but you get the gist.

Over the years i have tried making lists, putting notes on the fridge, counter, his phone etc and nothing really works long term. I have spoken/argued with him about sharing the workload, maybe something works for a while, then he gradually stops and we are back to square one of me doing nearly everything. I feel this is partly my fault because i have failed to organise things in such a way that they last.

I don't want sympathy (or smart remarks please) but if any of you have any useful suggestions for things that have helped you I'd really appreciate it. My health has not been great for the last 5 years and that is taking its toll on me. And yes i have tried to talk to him and like I said he makes an effort for a while and then it stops. And perhaps you think I need to be firmer with him but I get fed-up listening to myself politely asking/nagging him. Its like here I go again and what do I achieve - nothing except I get myself more stressed and upset.

Please don't tell me to stop doing everything because i can't live in a dirty mess. And btw I don't have OCD, I'm not super fussy and we can't afford a cleaner. The kids do their bit - I have no issue with them.

We tend to do the weekly houseclean together at the same time. Usually a Saturday morning. DH hoovers the house and then scrubs all the bathrooms. I do the kitchen and utility room and then mop the floors (he hoovers the hard floors as well as carpet). While I’m mopping he will take out rubbish/recycling and tend to his fountain in the garden which needs a weekly empty, wash and refill as we maintain it for wildlife so the water has to be safe for them to drink.

We have a rule of whoever cooks, the other does the washing up. We take turns cooking.

So perhaps a similar routine might work for you? That way it’s not in him to make the effort- you are cleaning buddies and you’re both doing it.

What are the adults kids doing?

Why are you doing all the washing and putting away clothes for for 4 adult children?!

It sounds like you're being a martyr as far as your adult children are concerned and taking it out on DH.

He could wash up on the nights you cook, but the 4 'kids' should also be washing their own clothes, cooking meals, tidying up etc.

You shouldn't be changing their sheets, "paying bills" shouldn't really be a chore everything is automatic surely, things like organising christmas or social things are surely just things you want to do?

You have my sympathy and I find myself in a similar position. I think you need to incorporate tasks into his routine so they become a habit eg if he regularly goes to bed at 10pm but you go to bed at 11pm make sure you stripped the bed and left the clean bedding ready to go on. He will have to put the sheets on to go to bed, if you do that on the same day every week it should become a habit. Also take short cuts, I got fed up with pairing my husband's socks so I bought him 14 pairs of identical black socks... So I don't have to pair them, just put his socks in his sock drawer it's silly but I appreciate having one less task, that 2-3 minutes adds up over a lifetime!

So chores should be split between 6. 50p says they aren’t. I’d guesstimate..

1/6th Husband
4/6th OP
1/6th between remaining 4 adults in the household.

He's being deliberately incompetent. Because he doesn't value those jobs. He doesn't see them as something he needs to do because he knows you'll do them.

It's not the division of labour that needs addressing, it his attitude. His attitude improves and it will follow that he'll do more of the grunt work.

It sounds like you've been at this for decades. Do you like being married to him? Because, let's face it, he has no reason to change. Even you being in poorer health hasn't made him realise. Makes you wonder what will make him realise.

The kids do their bit remark is very telling of your attitude. Do they really, because it sounds as if you are the only one doing anything significant. With 6 adults and presumably 6 sets of wages coming into the home you should be able to afford a cleaner and get one in once a week. Your dh's contribution is minimal but you've put up with it for years so why would he want to change now? Even after all of these years it sounds very much like for you this is not ltb territory.
Ypu asked for advice on what you could do. A family meeting regarding lack of contribution. Basic standards, clean their own bedrooms, clean the bathroom once a week on a rota system, cooking, cleaning surfaces after use, dishes in dishwasher, cooker cleaned after use, laundry on a rota system. Or ask for keep from each of them and put that towards a cleaner once a week, plus the rota system. Anyone who doesn't pull their weight gets a warning and then notice to leave.

For me love is empathy and if my partner could see that I was knackered and not doing anything to ease my load then I'd ditch him. He doesn't value or appreciate your contribution, meanwhile you're reducing your quality of life trying to keep on top of everything. What a way to live a life!

Don't divvy it up unless it's really skill based

As soon as someone has some task which is exclusively seen as theirs other people won't do it because "it's not my job".

My partner tried this with "I'll do folding & putting away as I'm better at it" and we ended up with ridiculous backlogs because I wasn't doing it as well.

I think it's better if expectations are agreed that are targets not tasks. For example a sensible (albeit incomplete) set of targets for a house would be

1. All washing up to be completed by the end of each day
2. Bathrooms to be cleaned weekly and spot cleaned when necessary
3. Laundry baskets to be processed when 80% full
4. Wet laundry to be hung immediately
5. Dry laundry to be folded and put away same day
6. Floors to be cleaned as soon as dirty

Then you set out standards like

1. No relaxing in front of the TV with outstanding tasks
2. Commit to at least x hours of tasks per day

What is the "bit" that the kids do?

Because with 5 other adults in the house, you still seem to be doing an awful lot of work.

Surely everyone should take turns cooking, everyone should do their own laundry, everyone should pitch in and do an equal share of the cleaning etc.

Why are you doing it all?

Thank you for all your suggestions.
@HadalyEve great suggestion-am going to try this. Sometimes simple is best.
@Sissynova I did say kids were not the issue and no I'm not a martyr and I'm not taking it out on my dh. I was just looking for suggestions to help change a situation.
@NewtonsCradle thanks u
@JuneOsborne yes...food for thought or another thread!
@Sceptre86 good suggestion about the cleaner, thank you, we did it once this year and it wasn't a great success but the idea is good. I think finding a decent one to come once a month would be manageable.

Just to explain in more detail 2 of the 4 kids are working full time, one works away and comes and goes with no set pattern (not their fault, the job has funny hours-sometimes they work from home and then away for several days). The other fulltime earner contributes, keeps room clean and does own sheets and is great at little things like picking up mugs, spot cleaning the bathrooms etc. And regarding the other 2, one is in full time education and only works in the holidays and the other one is poorly but does work part time when they can-sorry but I don't want to say any more about that. If i ask either of them for help they will do it straight away and are genuinely grateful.
A couple of you have mentioned the washing of clothes; our house is not the biggest, lets just say space is tight and it is much easier and more economical for everyone to put their laundry in the wash basket and for me to put a wash (or 2) on first thing in the am as I am first one up, rather than the machine going at all odd times of the day
It has dawned on me in the past that because I do what I do why would my dh bother (and yes its been this way for years). But some of you have highlighted this and I need to address it. I hold my hands up to allowing it to continue so long-mea culpa. If I had my time again I would do it differently. I'm just trying to make some positive changes because sometimes I feel overwhelmed about it-hence the post. Thanks again.💐

We have split our chores very clearly and I don’t pick up his chores.
DH cooks daily and does floors once a week
i do all the laundry daily, bathrooms, family coordination
ds does the washing up daily
dd does the drying daily

Sounds like you've got your own list of reasons for why no solutions will work.

He doesn't want to do housework, so he's not doing housework. It's not a scheduling issue. It's a conscious decision that he makes, like we all do from time to time, to 'fuck it, it's not important to me to do that right now', and the reason it's not important is because he doesn't mind when you do it for him, and he doesn't care how it makes you feel. That's the issue you're dealing with.

Unless you haven't talked to him about it in terms of how you feel, emotionally and physically? Have you explained to him that you can't respect a man who doesn't pull his weight, so you're losing respect for him? Have you told him that it's a real turn off, sexually, when a man leaves housework 'for the woman to do'? Have you told him that it upsets you when you realise he's let you down, and left work for you to do, when he's told you he'll do it?

Talk to him about how he wants things to be between you. Does he want you to feel like he cares? Does he want you to feel put-upon, overwhelmed, upset etc? He's either thinking it's not much work (so he could do it himself, right?) or he's aware of how much work it is, and is happy to leave you to do it.

What does he say when you ask him how he wants to divvy it all up? Have you been approaching the conversations in a 'This is what needs to be done, and I'm going to be doing this, and you're going to be doing that!' way, or have you asked him for a team discussion about 'how to get the housework done'?

Finally, going out for dinner on your own doesn't leave your house in a mess. It saves you having to shop and cook for that evening, and ensure that you don't do any additional work than is necessary to meet your own needs. That's how he's playing it. Not doing his washing doesn't leave your house in a mess. You tell him you're not doing it, then you put it in a bin bag in the shed and let him sort it out. If it actually comes to this though, I'd be considering leaving. He doesn't respect you or your time.