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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How often do you see your friends?

20 replies

Dustyspringfield1 · 06/07/2023 10:43

For the purpose of this thread I'll say friends who live relatively close by, within 30 miles or so.
I have two who live within 12 miles, both drivers and I haven't seen either in 7 months.
I don't think this is for lack of trying on my behalf but it does make me realise that they don't quite value me in the same way.
No longer keep in contact as much too, and that's fine.
I've decided to stop trying and see if they come to me.
I know adults have busy lives with work, children and so on, elderly parents (though we aren't quite old enough to have elderly parents, most are no older than early 60s)
And I'm not expecting to see people every week or anything like that. However when it's been 7 months then you eventually realise.
Just interested to see what everyone else thinks.

OP posts:

Blueskyfordays · 06/07/2023 10:48

I’ve been wondering this too recently. I usually don’t go more than 2-3 months between meetings with my proper ‘friends’ who live relatively close by. However, one of my friends lives 12 miles away which is nothing really (we both drive) and I haven’t seen her since March.

We were meant to go for dinner a few weeks ago but she cancelled and I haven’t heard from her since. Tbh I’m now thinking I’m just going to leave it and see if she contacts me as I’m fed up of being the one pedalling the friendship. It’ll be 4 months soon since we’ve last seen one another which is pathetic as like o say, she’s 12 miles away.

But yes, in answer to your OP, see all my friends most weeks but as they’re all ‘seperate’ friends rather than one big group who know each other, it works out I see each of them every 2-3 months.

Original poster

Dustyspringfield1 · 06/07/2023 11:21

Sorry to hear about the flaky one, glad you've got some others you see regularly.
The two friends who don't live far, they've both got young children and clearly bonded over that which is normal, I think they've met each other since without me. I'm just going to not bother with them and just get on with my life, would like to meet new people but it's not easy.

OP posts:

Horizabel · 06/07/2023 11:28

If you value their company and want them in your life, surely you won't let your friendship be derailed by pettiness about who contacts who and how often, whether your friends see one another without you, and how often you 'should' be seeing friends who live within x miles of you?

I mean, obviously withdraw a little from the friendship if trying to maintain it is making you actively miserable, and making new friends is always good, but my inner rule of thumb when it comes to friendships is simply 'Do I want to see this person? Do I enjoy talking to them when we meet? Do they generally add to rather than detract from my life?'

Banjojo · 06/07/2023 11:32

I have similar long gaps between seeing my friends although we’re in regular contact via social media and WhatsApp chats. I can’t help thinking, if social media didn’t exist, we’d all have to make more effort to connect with our friends in real life.

One of my friendship groups contains five people (including me) and we all try hard to meet up but it is near impossible for us all to be free at the same time! Kids, jobs, holidays, it all gets in the way. Sadly, this means that our get-togethers, while wonderfully enjoyable, require months of planning in advance.

Lentilweaver · 06/07/2023 11:34

Monthly for some. Or every 2-3 months. I am not keen on friends I meet once a year if they live close.

Lentilweaver · 06/07/2023 11:35

These days I prefer to make friends at monthly clubs: book clubs, walking groups etc. That way I don;t have to chase anyone and coordinate calendars.

ReachForTheMars · 06/07/2023 11:39

I have lots of different friends - mum friends, baby group friends, old work colleagues, school friends, gym friends.

I see a friend/s about once a week/fortnight. Which means I see each friend probably once every 2-3 months. We dont text a lot inbetween so that's long enough that there is plenty to catch up on. Usually coffee or lunch out.

I have a school aged child and would have struggled to do that when they were younger. Some of these friends I didn't see for close to a year as my head was spinning with all the juggling and adjusting to being a mum.

My friends that dont live locally who also have school aged kids I see less of. Twice a year.

theemmadilemma · 06/07/2023 11:40

I don't have any friends close by! But I'm an introvert and I don't seek to form friendships, I have a few long terms friends and that's all I need.

That said, my best friend of 25+ years lives in Europe and I see her at least 3-4 times a year. I'm off again next week, having been over in early March. My other good friend lives 350 miles away down South and I'm down there again August, having last been in April. So I'm seeing them more often than you are the ones 12 miles away!

ReachForTheMars · 06/07/2023 11:40

Dustyspringfield1 · 06/07/2023 11:21

Or you could be positive and say youd live to see them and the kids and ar they free to go to the park next Saturday morning and you'll bring the ice creams.

stayathomer · 06/07/2023 11:40

I don’t know because myself and my friends have drifted away for over a year at times and at times I’ve stepped back and they’ve come to me, other times I made a huge effort and they admitted they’d let everything slip and it turns out they were having a very lonely time. In another group I have a friend who does all the organising and at times I feel for her but as you say life gets so busy, plus some of us work in retail or hospitals, others 9 to 5, some have kids, the ones who don’t travel for work and have parent commitments… it’s difficult op, I don’t know what you say, if you take the foot off the pedal it could go either way x

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 06/07/2023 11:42

Haven't seen some in over 2years! We also found no one makes the effort to contact us. Things only come together when we arrange it and after 5+ years of doing a lot of the hosting or suggestions we now can't be bothered. We too decided to scale it back and have seen a drastic decrease in how often we see them and a total silence from them too! Now nice really

MaryJean87 · 06/07/2023 11:47

Hardly ever. They are career people and busy with work, their partners and family. I've got four kids, 2 with high needs, so I'm busy too. If I ever get a night off to do anything I'd choose to spend it with my husband rather than friends I've not seen in ages. Day to day I see and talk to other mums from the school but I don't really see them as people to confide in and are more acquaintances than friends.

Badleg85 · 06/07/2023 12:16

I see my best friends once a month ish, but it's helps our kids get on great. My other group of friends meet up for a meal or drinks once every 2/3 months.

I'd advise against the whole "I won't contact them and see if they contact me" thing, its setting your friends a challenge they don't know they're participating in and leads to more resentment. I know because I've done it, I last saw one friend last Sept, have tried to contact her several times to arrange meeting up since, after I last tried in April I said right I'm not bothering anymore and I'll see if she gets in touch, we'll she hasn't and I'll bet she hasn't stewed about it whereas I did until last month when I realised I was getting myself down thinking about her, have since hidden her across social media and I'm moving on. Much happier for it

Ihadenough22 · 06/07/2023 15:22

I think that your not the only person going through this. The reality for a lot of people now is that life is busy and at certain times it harder like when you have babies/young kids or parents who are starting to need extra help.

One of my friends is currently working full time in a stressful job and is single. She is looking after her mother who is in her late 80's with health issues. We meet up an odd day for lunch near where she works. She is making the effort to stay in contact with me. I know in time we will see each other more.

Meanwhile I have another friend. A few years ago I helped her out a lot but this seems to have been totally forgotten about.
I been making the effort to keep in contact with her but she is slow to reply to my messages.

She knows that I have had to deal with a few things recently but never asked me about these. She recently had some family issues which are now resolved.
I am planning to meet up with her. If she does not step up now I am going to tell her about the lack of effort she is making for me and it has to change.
Yes she is busy but if you want to have friends in your life you have to make some effort to see them.

Original poster

Dustyspringfield1 · 06/07/2023 15:34

Oh trust me I've tried! However it was the same pre kids, it was always me having to go to where one of them lives, they've never seen my flat for instance.
I still don't believe it's a true friendship if it's always one person initiating. Yeah a slight imbalance ok but I think people should have some standards and boundaries.

OP posts:

Lentilweaver · 06/07/2023 15:38

I have a friend who has rejected my last 3 attempts to meet for a coffee, but continues to send me silly memes and WA forwards. Another, very close by, only wants to talk via Zoom.

That may work for some, but I either want to meet in person or forget about the friendship. I had enough of social media friendships in the pandemic.

Beezknees · 06/07/2023 15:55

I have 2 different groups of friends that live locally, I see each group separately about once a month.

Beezknees · 06/07/2023 15:56

None of us have young kids though if that makes a difference.

Parlourgames · 06/07/2023 16:03

It is easier and more realistic to have social contact with the people who you meet regularly because of other reasons. It doesn’t mean that your old friends don’t love you. I think it’s best to try not to be insecure about this.

I know a few of my less secure friends have set me these challenges which I have failed and basically it means a friendship is over.

Try and find some people who you meet regularly more naturally and keep your other friends in the love you but don’t need to see you all the time category

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 06/07/2023 16:08

I have a very old friend who I see about 3x a year just due to distance. I usually see friends who live closer 2 or 3 X a week and then I do adult education classes so have friends there too plus I belong to WI and meet up with friends from there at least once a week. I like seeing people 😊

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