Aibu for low sex drive re body image / ageing / poss peri ?

[helpsexdrought]

I've been with H since I was 27 and him 34 and when we got together were both extremely attractive (and I apologise how big headed this sounds but I feel it's definitely relevant) . We still looked good well into our 30s I look back at photos and literally feel envy at my old self 😩

I'm 43 and definitely showing my age even though I try to keep slim and have minor stuff done like Botox every year or so and I exercise regularly . I actually need to get checked for being in peri but I'm scared and ashamed (I don't know why I feel like this, tbh my fear of menopause is a whole other subject 🤦‍♀️) . He still looks pretty good and I do fancy him still and we both make the effort (Altho probably not anywhere near as much as the effort we'd make in the early days)

We only do it about once a month ...and I do it like a tick box exercise and while it's always good I'm relieved it's then off the table for a bit. It's like I've gone off sex as I no longer feel young and attractive. He says he still loves and fancies me but I don't get the absolute adoration I used to get from him in the first few years. He would literally hold me and stare at me (hope that doesn't sound too weird!) but it was like he couldn't believe he was with me and I know that was to do with how I looked. It felt like he worshipped the ground I walked on. I realise it is unrealistic to expect this to last into a relationship of almost two decades

I feel I am conditioned to feel sex is for the young and sexy - like, part of the turn on when I was younger with sex was knowing how good I looked and how sexy my partners must find me. I know that sounds awful

We definitely still love eachother but I feel like he deserves better than a wife who hates herself and doesn't want sex

Does anyone else struggle with this ? I don't know where else to turn I could never tell anyone this in real life so thank goodness for Mumsnet

I should also add that we do have a lot of work stress and money worries plus 3dc as well.

It's definitely hard to feel sexy with all that and two of them are teens and the teen years seem to be the hardest so far 😓

Anyone ? Or am I just a complete freak 😔

Very similar here. No solutions apart from trying to carve out time to do stuff together on your own (not sex) to rekindle a bit of joy generally. Very difficult with huge workloads and DC plus no family support (no opportunity for us to nip off for a weekend away or even have an afternoon without dc)

I'm sorry you're feeling the same

Tbh we can have time to ourselves occasionally as my parents are willing to babysit but I still feel the same about myself. Altho sex is easier in a hotel room as no fear of teen kids over hearing

I think I just really miss being young and the early days of our relationship and it's not healthy or reasonable of me

I can relate OP, and I think it makes it harder when you were very attractive as a young 'un.

I feel like I've done my bit, I had my DC. I don't want another sweaty body on me. I'm 35 and still having a regular period.
I'd rather have a cup of tea and a biscuit. I'm so glad to be out of the race, trying to be 'kinky' enough, all the uncomfortable positions and lingerie, competing wit porn. Yuck.

You've given him 3 kids and 7 years younger than him, he's like 50 now? Knock that silly idea he deserves better, you both deserve each other.

I'd rather have a cup of tea and a biscuit. I'm so glad to be out of the race, trying to be 'kinky' enough, all the uncomfortable positions and lingerie, competing wit porn. Yuck.

wow, that sounds sad and exhausting in equal measure. Being with someone who expected that and watched porn would be a massive turnoff and I think my sex drive would have packed up and emigrated too.

I don’t know the secret to self acceptance. I also used to be considered attractive but recognise that is no longer the case now I’m the wrong side of 50, though DH still fancies me.

All I can say is it is getting easier and I am giving fewer fucks. No Botox, no hair dye. Growing old together is something worth celebrating. I have found a peace with that, and recognise how fortunate I am to have health and a partner who gets sexier every day.

Maybe celebrating what you have, and being thankful and joyful for the memories of a younger life well spent with someone you love, and a wonder for the body that birthed three children, thinking positive messages to yourself?

Manila you're so young still !!! God I wish I was 35
Totally up to you though if you don't want sex and actually I kind of get what you mean - when kids are young you feel completely touched out

Mine aren't at that stage they're pre teens and teens and tbh it's even worse as they clearly find me so tragic most of the time except when they need money lifts or shopping trips can hardly be arsed to speak to me and it's just another way I feel a non person like I don't matter .
So they don't help my self Esteem - it's cruel isn't it that in many cases you get teens and menopause arrive at the same time

my DC are in secondary school... I love sleeping on m y own and our once a month or less of sex :)
Having children ruins sex life full stop :)

I'd recommend getting a hormone blood test (lots of private companies online doing them), including testosterone and oestrogen.

I'd been fobbed off by the GP several times over the last 8 years when I've reported tiredness, vaginal dryness and poor (no) libido. Got the standard advice to carve out time for romance and sex, it's a relationship problem etc.

Turns out my testosterone level wasn't even enough to register on the blood test, also oestrogen very low. I'm now seeing a private menopause specialist and on HRT +testosterone. Just waiting for it to kick in!

Always worth ruling out an organic cause for the way you feel rather than blaming yourself the way you are.

That sounds like you only ever had sex for kids!!

Yes, I watch sex scenes on TV and just can't imagine ever feeling that way again. It just feels so weird. I am post menopause. Feel so middle aged and unsexy, even though I'm still slim and relatively attractive. I am in such a dilemma whether to try to make an effort for the sake of marriage or just think, why should I?

Is your husband happy though? I hope you don't mind me asking this . ..it's cos I worry mine isn't (not that he's said this but I can't see how he can be)

@ManilaBlanks

You won't be, when he's shagging the secretary. I'm really sorry. But if men aren't getting sex from their partners or wives, they'll get it elsewhere.
This was me years ago, and I thought I could trust my husband of 18 years with my life.
Little did I know!

God I am so sorry 😞 I hope you're happy again now

This is one of my biggest fears. But my alternative is literally making myself do it and then it just becomes transactional. Sex for fear he will go elsewhere won't be much fun

@helpsexdrought

Honestly, you have no idea how relatable your posts are. It sounds daft, but I almost had no idea how important sex was to a relationship. All I knew was that it was something I was keen to get over with! I shouldn't have been surprised when he had the affair - as we had taken each other for granted for years - but it still knocked me sideways.
I'm fine now thanks, lovely. Ironically, now that I'm not having sex, I find myself thinking about it more! To be fair though, anything would be better than sex with my ex
I'm sorry if my earlier words are a bit harsh - I definitely wouldn't wish to cause offence. But I see my story as a precautionary one. Relationships - whether we like it or not - need sex to survive.

I'm glad you're happy now 💐

Your post did not offend me honestly. I completely agree sex is very important - when we have done it I definitely feel closer to H and the relationship just feels better

I need to seek help tbh my periods are normal at the moment which used to reassure me but I'm told you can still have regular periods when in peri

It's my anxiety and mental health mainly that make me think i might be and the fact I find it harder to keep slim. I'm also noticing my hair is thinner 😢 which i am trying to manage with supplements and posh shampoos . Fat and anxious with thin hair 😆 what a catch I am I was quite recently thin with thick hair fml

If it helps, I’ve found the best supplement for hair is Neals Yard Frankincense beauty boost tablets.

Also learning that cardio, whilst still important for heart health, helps less with weight control once you hit 40s. You need to reduce calories by around 10% too (just use a smaller plate to make it easier to judge).

I think we have been conditioned by the media to believe that being attractive only looks 'one way'. I was very attractive in my 20s and had a lot if attention and then I put on about 4 stone and felt disgusting. Believed my romantic life would be over cos 'who would want to be with me?'

It was a huge shock when I got similar levels of attention and found that men don't 'only' find slim women attractive. I would never have known this if I hadn't been able to test it out for myself.

We do have a culture on social media, on TV and especially here on mumsnet(!) which puts forward that you are only sexy and attractive when you are young and slim (if you are not then expect imminent cheating!) This isn't actually the case in reality. Big Beautiful Women (BBWs) is a popular search on porn sites for a reason.

I am not at all insinuating you are big, I bet you hardly look different at all to what you perceived to be your heyday. What I think I am trying to say is, you are buying into a myth that you are no longer sexy (due to age/weight/thinning hair) rather than actual reality.

As for the lack of sex drive, no advice here. I wonder if this is a biological trend for lots of women after the child bearing years are over?

You'll want to get your thyroid tested too in that case, as hair loss/thinning and weight gain can be a symptom of that too.

This is the test I did. You don't have to be menopausal for it as you can do it on day 3 of your cycle, it's fairly comprehensive

https://www.forthwithlife.co.uk/health-tests/hormone-health/menopause-health/

@Seamsthesame thank you that's interesting... I actually don't have a thyroid anymore was removed a few years ago

I'm on levothryoxine 100mg but maybe I should still get it checked that that's the correct dose x

Ahh okay thank you I'll try those

Yes i am trying to eat less definitely and also putting extra green veg on my plate etc as that's low cal but lots of nutrients