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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil help

25 replies

Mummyonthego23 · 06/07/2023 09:12

In need of some advice on how to deal with my mil. We have always got on great but since birth of my 2nd i have a lot of negative feelings. Im unsure if its me and my hormones or if she is really pushing and overstepping the boundry. During my 2nd she pushed continuously for a c section date from about 30 weeks even when hospital were not booking it in so early. Eventually i did have a section and OH gave her the date. Fast forward to delivery. She had booked travel to come see us arriving 2 days after delivery and the same date i came out of hospital without asking if it was ok and giving very little notice. OH then had to go pick her up and spend time with her that evening leaving me alone. Next day she was round all day coughing lots and wanting to hold baby and take lots of photos and commenting on what we should be doing to look after a baby but never helped with nappie(this is our 2nd) 1st child was just brushed off to one side by her. OH then had to sort out dinner etc for her(shes very picky) and again take her back and spend time with her leaving me alone. The next day OH did say i had been up to much and not resting so she shouldnt be round for the whole day so she went shopping in morning and came round for afternoon she spent the afternoon going on about wanting to bath the baby and how we didnt have a bath stand and it was impossible before then wanting a home cooked roast dinner. Before again wanting OH to take her back and spend time with her on last night over leaving me again. I have always got on no problem with her but feel this really ruined our bonding time as a family and has taken months to get sorted and organised due to losing those first few precious days of settling in when it should of just been us and even now am finding i feel rather annoyed that we lost that time. OH agrees that she should of waited but also wont say anything to upset her and that she was just trying to help. I am now dreading when she next visits as we always have to please her and the kids routine goes straight out the window and takes weeks to get the routine back. Any outside perspective is much appreciated thanks

OP posts:

Curseofthenation · 06/07/2023 09:33

Obviously your DH should be willing to set boundaries with his own DM. You'll have to step up and be firm with her and ensure your DH backs you up at the very least.

Frankly, I would have sent MIL off again after a couple of hours of snuggles at your house. She didn't give you any warning about her visit and was therefore an uninvited guest. You don't have to host her on command you know.

Send her a schedule for future visits and discuss when is best for DH to have quality time with MIL in advance so that you can be consistent.

Rubychews · 06/07/2023 09:36

Who the hell demands a home cooked roast from the parents of a newborn? I hope you didn’t cook for her.

standardduck · 06/07/2023 09:39

Why is your DH not telling her no? She is obviously overstepping and being inconsiderate, but your DH needs to grow up and put in some boundaries.

Congratulations on your baby

Newyearnewmeow · 06/07/2023 09:40

Your husband needs to get a backbone and tell her you and the children are more important than her.
If he can’t do that I would tell him if he can’t do it you will and sod the consequences.
What a self centred cow she is.

Mamabird2022 · 06/07/2023 09:41

Tell her. Tell her that you’re grateful for the visit but you had major surgery and need to rest. Tel her that she is giving you stress that you don’t want. You need to stand up to her and your husband needs to back you. Honestly I would tell your husband that you don’t want her around the house and if she turns up to see baby again take the baby and go relax in the bedroom and enjoy your baby while relaxing! Good luck mama

BiscuitsandPuffin · 06/07/2023 09:42

We have one of these. Honestly some people are utterly delusional and think turning up at your house and making demands of you is "supporting you".

Sissynova · 06/07/2023 09:43

While your MIL sounded really full on and out of order I do think it is a bit much to say it took the whole family months to get organised and bond due to these few days with MIL.
Do you think you've been focusing on this one thing too much and putting any negative feelings on it?

FluffMagnet · 06/07/2023 09:47

What have I just read?! In future, do NOT change your plans to suit her. Plans suit the children, food suits the hosts and if she doesn't like it, frankly tough shit.

Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 06/07/2023 09:50

Less than 12 hours after giving birth I was home making a roast while mil sat holding ds... Never hated anyone as much a right then..
Only you can speak up for you op.. Next visit dh needs to be off work. And she can stay local but not at your home. Take yourself off to nap or feed whenever you need to. We had a designated day every frigging week for ils. They often turned up other days. I just went out to planned things taking dc...
Did I say weekly visits arrival time was 8am???
Looking back I should have told them straight..

CattingAbout · 06/07/2023 09:54

How old is your second one now, OP? i.e. how long has this been going on?

I have sympathy - I remember my MIL offering to come and hold my newborn baby so I could clean the house 😐As PP have said, it really is for your OH to manage his mother, otherwise it is far too easy for her to just brush off anything you say as you being the cow DIL.

We found giving my MIL purposes for visiting, such as specifically requesting she spend time with DC1 (who struggled with jealousy of DC2). Or requesting that she bring dinner. Making it clear that if she was serious about wanting to help, then 'helping' wasn't just a case of her holding the baby while we ran around after her.

Not sure what the ages of your DC are, but if OH is having to take MIL home and stay overnight, can he take DC1 with him? We've done that, less stress for me being home with just DC2 and DC1 likes a special trip to Granny's house.

FictionalCharacter · 06/07/2023 09:54

Well she certainly wasn’t trying to help, was she?! And your wimp of a husband was running round after her instead of looking after his wife and new baby.
You need to make it very clear to him that when she visits, he should be supporting you - nipping criticisms in the bud, and not running around doing whatever she wants. As we see so often, he doesn’t want to “upset” her but doesn’t mind her annoying, criticising and inconveniencing his wife.

towriteyoumustlive · 06/07/2023 09:56

I voted YABU as you seem to be blaming her visit on not bonding for months, which would not be the case and is not fair.

Her visiting was a massive inconvenience but it would not prevent you bonding as a family.

But YANBU in that your partner should have grown a pair and told his mother that it was not convenient to visit straight away and to wait. I would suggest that in future, he checks with you if it's convenient for her to visit and rules are put in place about how long she stays etc...

Countingdowntodecember · 06/07/2023 09:59

She sounds like a nightmare but I would be furious with your DH. He didn’t have to do all those things, he chose to prioritise his mum’s wants over your needs. You had just given birth!

I think you need to speak to him seriously about how he let you down and make sure he knows that this kind of behaviour is not an option going forward.

Maddy70 · 06/07/2023 10:18

It is normal for a grandparent to see their grandchild on the day it's born tbf I think there is a bit of hormones at play, you need to have a word with your dh and tell him all your worries this is for him to deal with

standardduck · 06/07/2023 10:27

Maddy70 · 06/07/2023 10:18

It's definitely not normal to just show up without asking if it's okay first

Kitkatcatflap · 06/07/2023 11:02

If my husband had been pandering to a spoilt entitled woman like that after I'd given birth, I would have lost all respect for him. Suggest he tells her it's all too much, I don't have time to make you dinner and drive you back and forth, or YOU will.

And you shouldn't have told her your c.section date. She can demand all she likes but that was confidential medical information.

Original poster

Mummyonthego23 · 06/07/2023 11:23

No we didnt ended up ordering her a takeout though

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummyonthego23 · 06/07/2023 11:24

She doesnt live near by so had paid travel and hotel in full but did all that before she told us she was coming

OP posts:

WoolyMammoth55 · 06/07/2023 11:36

Hi OP, I do understand your resentment and she sounds incredibly cheeky and selfish. YANBU to be upset by her behaviour, and I'm really sorry that you feel your time to bond as a family was negatively impacted.

However, I voted YABU because you and DH are grown people - you should simply have had a grown up conversation with her, on day 1 of her trip if not before, to tell her what you needed, how she could help and support you, and what your expectations were around her visits.

"here is a taxi number, the kids need their dad so he can't drive you everywhere"
"of course we can't cook you a roast but if you fancy a big meal here is a list of nice restaurants where you can either eat in or get delivery back to your hotel"
"please stop with this nonsense about bathing baby, she's too little for that, it might be best if you left us now as I need a nap and DC1 needs some time with daddy"

and the most important one:
"I'm sorry, the dates you've booked won't work for us. I'll be recovering from a c-section and we will need time to adjust to a new baby. I do hope that there won't be any penalty for changing your dates by 2 or 3 weeks? Please remember to check with us next time before you book your ticket because it is really needless hassle when you have to change your reservations"

There will always be rude and entitled people in the world, they make new ones every year. It's your choice if you let them negatively impact your life or if you don't.

Wish you all the best putting healthier boundaries in place.

Original poster

Mummyonthego23 · 06/07/2023 11:50

As for the bonding she was living abroad when we had 1st so wasnt around(maybe this is why she has done this?). I had a section and we all settled no problem. 2nd has been a colic baby which has been exhausting on its own without the visit and a 3year old. OH has mainly been the one finding hardest time bonding not really had the time with baby like last time before he went back to work.(i feel the visit didnt help and made him much more tired and stressed than he should of been) Im unsure if its because of the visit or if just harder with a colic baby maybe a mixture of both. 3 year old is great with baby only jelousy was when MIL visited but her routine was very much distrupted mainly eating times bed times because MIL was around and has taken a while to get back to normal. As i said i know my hormones are still not back to normal but im still quite upset and just wish we could of redone everything our way. Will this feeling go away with hormones getting back to normal or is it a bigger issue to work on?

OP posts:

Hibiscrubbed · 06/07/2023 11:56

Your H is utterly spineless. He kowtowed to his horrible mother and left his newly delivered wife, who’d had a C-section, to cope on her own with a newborn and a toddler.

That is appalling.

Original poster

Mummyonthego23 · 06/07/2023 12:04

Thankyou again for you honest feed back on this. I wish i had found and posted on here sooner before baby. There has been some very good advice some of which i wish i had before it all happened and will be used if we ever have another.

OP posts:

ManateeFair · 06/07/2023 12:08

It is normal for a grandparent to see their grandchild on the day it's born tbf

Yeah, it's normal for them to see the baby straight away, but It's not normal for them to turn up uninvited for days, demand that the father of the baby ferries them round and spends time with them away from his wife and child, demands home-cooked meals and doesn't lift a finger to help with anything.

My mum and dad saw their grandchildren the day or the day after they were born, but they didn't expect to be driven around and have meals cooked for them. They asked if it was OK, dropped in for an hour or two and offered to go to the supermarket to pick up anything the parents needed/wanted. When the younger ones were born, they also offered to take the older ones out so they were getting plenty of attention too.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/07/2023 12:41

You need to have a conversation with your OH about their mother and how she carried on when you had been discharged from hospital after having major surgery.

I hope you're able to put this visit behind you and move forwards but I would definitely have firmer boundaries in place for any future visits that may be on the cards.

EsmeSusanOgg · 06/07/2023 12:49

Mummyonthego23 · 06/07/2023 11:24

She doesnt live near by so had paid travel and hotel in full but did all that before she told us she was coming

That is on her. If you were not ready for people to be over for hours and if she needed transport, that is not your responsibility. You need to chat to your DH about how it upset/ damaged the relationship. And if you can, explain how intrusive it was when you were trying to heal and were exhausted.

I actually quite liked visitors with my first (and likly will for No.2) but I am also quite happy to tell someone visiting time is over and they need to go - as is DH.

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