For not wanting another child because of bad experience with own sibling?

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Hi. This is my first post, would appreciate some insight please. I have a 11 month old daughter after a long period of trying anf assisted fertility due to PCOS. I always known I would struggle with fertility and this is perhaps why I am thinking of this soon after having my first child. I am in my mid thirties.
All my life I have had a difficult relationship with my brother who is a year older. He constantly bullied me in school and at home, we were thrown together constantly and he was my mother's golden child. Despite efforts as a child to seek help from my mother, I was ignored. This abuse was emotional, physical and did cross over to sexual at certain times and completely eroded my self confidence.
I finally got the courage to break free and cut off contact and I did this in stage in my late twenties. My relationship with my mother whom I thought I was very close to suffered as a result and she has now cut me off despite my efforts to keep some semblence of a relationship.
Growing up and now I see my friends having lovely relationships with their siblings and I desperately wanted that.
I always liked the idea of having a larger family but when I met my husband who was the youngest of 5 and also had horrible experience with his siblings. I was shocked to see how he was treated by them as I always thought I was the only one with this experience.
My husband despite this experience wants more children and feels this is our chance to build our own family and will help us heal from our past traumas.
But all I see is this pattern repeating itself. Through therapy I have learnt to control my anxiety but I also have insight that both our sets of parents allowed us to be the scapegoats of our family. I am terrified of doing that to my children and unconsciously causing more harm to either my daughter or future children.
I know all this is hypothetical and there is no guarantee to this but I would love to hear if anyone has some insight into this or positive stories to share
Sorry for the long post.

Just to add. Despite being so anxious and low in pregnancy and being told I had a high risk of having PND, I have surpsingly been enjoying every moment of my daughter since she arrived. Because of the relationship with my mother I was terrified of having a daughter but she is really the light of my life despite how cringy that sounds. So even if I couldn't have more children I would still feel so lucky to have just her.

It's always a gamble what kind of relationship you have with siblings. They may get on amazingly or be so different they just don't. Or get on later in life if they don't at first. You just can't know.

Whatever reason you decide to have or not have another child is entirely up to you though. No right or wrong.

I'm so sorry for what you went through. Remember this: you are not your mother. Your husband is not his parents. You don't talk about your father. Was he a bystander? Build your own dream family - like PP says siblings are a gamble on whether they get on but abuse is another matter. Do what feels right in your gut and heart.

There are no guarantees with siblings. My brother is one of three people I trust unconditionally. DH hasn't spoken to his brother in four years. Both of us had perfectly fine relationships growing up.

However... you are not your mother. Remember that. Have another child if you both want one... and if you don't want one that's fine too.

This must be hard. The fact that you are aware and thinking ahead makes it unlikely you will repeat the mistakes your parents made. I wouldn’t make any decisions just yet. Give yourself a bit more time and maybe try counselling with your husband.

1. PCOS and fertility treatment: can you afford this? Because I don't think in the UK you'd get it funded again for a second child (I may be incorrect!)
2. You dreaded having a daughter but your relationships has been great
3. There is no guarantee your siblings will be besties but a sibling bullying the other and general disrespect and cruelty is down to parenting, your mother was horrible and sanctioned his behaviour, doesn't mean you will be like her, too.
4. I would be more concerned about finances and your mental health
5. Sounds like you and your husband need therapy separately to discuss your childhood issues and then both decide whether to go for a second child.

I think both of you had awful childhoods due to terrible parenting, not because you were bad people or because siblings are always horrible to each other.

Because your mum made your brother the golden child (you will probably have been the scapegoat who was responsible for every bd thing that ever happened in the universe), he got away with testing you badly and then you got cut off when you said you weren’t having it any more.

If you can find out what your parents did and why (were they narcs, did they have bad childhoods etc) then you can come up with a plan to avoid their mistakes. It’s not a certainty that you will repeat your childhood but you also don’t need to have more children if you’re going to find it too stressful.

I really understand this and have had similar thoughts. My DD is nearly 2 and lots of her friends parents have started thinking about siblings.

I've been really unsure / unwilling to consider this because my own sister was so horrendous. We went to the same school and I constantly saw her bullying other kids. She lied and manipulated everyone in the family.

I cut off all contact with her after a massive argument when she was a teenager which included her trying to physically attack me.

Last I heard anything of her the bf she lived with had committed suicide and I think it's highly likely that was due to her bullying behaviour too.

I know its unreasonable to think things would be the same but I'm terrified of inflicting someone like that on my DC

I don't have contact with my siblings as adults although we got on OK as kids. We played together a lot, as my parents didn't like play dates so there were no other dc around.

I have 2 dc and I wanted a dc2 for a range of reasons. Having a playmate and to experience their childhood together was one reason. I guess if they don't get on, our house is big enough for them to have their own rooms so they don't need to interact at all (I had to share a room and resented the lack of privacy). And with maximum 2 dc and DH is very hands on, so one parent can always take one child. We can also afford things activity camps during summer so they won't need to be stuck in the house with just each other for weeks, and we do holidays with kids activities where they can choose to do different things. I think just having the option of them having space from each other always helps.

Your brother sounds extreme, I would think it would be fairly unlikely for that to happen to your children. BUT there is no guarantee siblings will get on. I think in reality most do to an extent, and generally love each other, but they are also natural competitors and will fight and argue. My two argue far more than I had anticipated, and while it's not damaging or abusive, it's really bloody annoying for me!

Although it's not looking likely that I will ever have a child now, I always said that I would only want one. Despite getting on amazingly well with my brother, there is clear favouritism towards him by my DM (even though she claims that there isn't - others have mentioned it too, so it's not just me 😂)

There are a few, sadly very long, posts on mumsnet about sibling abuse.

I had a difficult relationship with my blood sibling and it put me off having 2 kids. We are sticking at 1 because I would be happy with 1 child or 3+ but not 2 and my husband is happy at 1.

FWIW I have a total of 7 siblings, including step, and I see more of 6 step-sibs than my biological sibling. It's the reason I dont buy into the idea of having kids to support eachother.

Of the adults I know, very few are properly close,. especially opposite sex siblings. And the siblings that get on dont always live nearby to eachother. It's always a gamble and its nature as much as nurture.

I also had one older brother. I agree with you on everything.

I wish I'd been an only child.

It's very dangerous for a girl to have an older brother. So many women I know were sexually abused by their brothers.

I remember at a very early age , wishing id been an only child

I think it's perfectly okay to stick with just 1 if that is what you want.

However, I would say that being aware of the issues and the fact that both you and your DH suffered abuse, and the active work you are doing to combat that, makes me think that if anything, you will be stronger parents as a result.

but sibling relationships are random (barring abuse etc as you've suffered) so you could have another and they're BFFs forever, or BFFs when small or BFFs when grown. Impossible to say.

PS - I have PCOS. Fertility treatment with DC1. DC2 was an unexpected and happy surprise! A lot of people will tell you that you become more fertile with PCOS after child 1 and you will probably disagree with them, but... DD is living proof it's true in at least some cases!

Your husband's comment about having another child as a way of trying to heal yourselves from your own childhoods is very concerning. You do not have a child (or children) to heal yourself. You don't put that burden on a child. That's what therapy is for. I see you have been in therapy - good for you. Maybe it's something for your husband to look into if he hasn't already

As others have said, you are not your mother, any second child you would have is not your brother, and there is no guarantee that siblings would get along. If you are still in therapy, this is definitely something to discuss with your therapist. It's lovely to read that you are enjoying your relationship with your daughter

I'm sorry all that happened to you, your brother sounds awful.

Unfortunately it's always a gamble with siblings I think.

I grew up with six siblings and an enormous extended family. We got on as well as seven children very close in age can get on. I've still opted for only the one child myself, she's managed perfectly well without a sibling and our little family is a very happy one. You wouldn't be doing wrong by your current child to keep them an only, big families (even perfectly healthy ones like mine) are not all they're cracked up to be!

I had the 1 child purely because I did not want her to have siblings due to my own experiences. I have no regrets.

I understand where you are coming from. Although I had it nowhere near as bad as you, I did have relentless "teasing" / verbal bullying from my older brother while at primary school, some physical too but not very much. As he got older, he started to steal my belongings any time I got anything nice. He'd either keep it for himself, break it or gift it to other girls (if I had nice skirts for example). He would take any cash I had and not return it too. I'm still annoyed about my 13th birthday when 5 of my friends put their money together to buy me a lava lamp. I had it all of 1 day before he took it and broke it. Throughout my teen years I would feel anxious and self conscious in any communal room of the house and basically lived in my bedroom in case I ran into him as I never knew whether he would be nice or mean. It was so horrible living with him, he actually drove my DM to move out of the family home when I was 15/16 for several months because he was so mean to her (i had no choice and had to stay of course).

However, I truly believe this behaviour would have been so easily stopped by my DM if she'd wanted it to. Occasionally when I was little she'd tell him to stop but normally she'd say I needed to learn to take a joke, or toughen up, or if I tried to ignore him she'd shout at me for "sulking". She got her karma when he was a teen and would complain to me about how he was bullying her. He got into trouble for bullying at school too, surprise surprise!

My DM was the oldest child and I don't think she had any concept of the power imbalances between older and younger so siblings, especially when the older one is male. This isn't the case for you. You'll spot bullying and nip it in the bud.

Also, I read somewhere that sibling to sibling abuse is most likely to occur when there is an older boy and younger girl. Your firstborn is a girl, so already the dynamics will be different.

I suppose this can be looked at from the angle of:

Will I be a good parent of 2+ children or will I end up a shit parent that lets one sibling bully the other? Rather than: Will my second child bully the first like what happened to me?

It really is the parenting. Even if the second child has a disability where they lash out, the parent is still responsible to protect their children even if it meant residential school or behaviour interventions for the other one. But most parents are so lazy and selfish, they are so absorbed in their own lives and leave children to 'entertain each other' and downplay bullying as 'all siblings fight'.

You need to focus on whether you and your husband have it in you to be a good parent for a second child who may or may not be born with challenges.

Thanks for all the responses. It's feels less alone to hear other people's experiences.

It's has been very difficult for me to accept that my mother is indeed a narc, I spent years thinking she couldn't help being fooled by my brother and she made me her confidant for years, which made me think we were very close. My father was quite absent and enables my mother to this day, he however was a great support to me during my pregnancy and is trying to have a relationship with me.

In my husbands family, his father was the narc and his mother was the enabler. He has encountered sibling abuse from 2 particular siblings and just general disinterest from the rest. I get along very well with my mother in law, but she never stands up for my husband when he calls put his siblings or father.

My husband and I spent years trying to take on everyone's upset and fix everything in our families and its only been just over a year since we tried to take a step back and focus on our family.

I understand its unhealthy to have chudlren to heal past traumas but alot of these came to a head during my pregnancy which made it stressful.

We have spoken alot about it and we do not want to use our child/children as crutches or validation.

We just always sort of grew up a little lonely and looking in on other families so we wanted a family of our own to love and raise.

I am going for therapy but my husband is not ready for it yet, he is open to it in the future. We have really been trying to work on our own childhood traumas separately and together.

I don't know how to each poster directly but also to just say I have known for years that I will have issues conceiving so have put some money aside for fertility treatment if we decide to go again. We are also open to adoption.

Like I said I am very happy with one child if that's the case. And all of you are right in saying there is no guarantee that siblings get along. I just worry sometimes if I would be able to love more than one child equally and if I could be fair to them.

Thanks again for all the lovely responses and support.

I think the major factor in yours and your DH's stories, as well as others on this thread and other threads I have read, is not the fact that the sibling was mean, but that the parents completely failed to deal with it.

If you and your DH are both aware of this and ready to parent your kids properly, tell them off when needed, not have favourites etc, then I think this goes a long way to ensuring things will be fine.

Of course siblings still bicker sometimes, and there's no guarantee they will be besties, but that's a different point and probably not a major problem.

You're not wrong to have another if you don't want one but I do think you are wrong to assume their situation would likely be the same as yours. I think you and your DH were unlucky, and given how aware you are of the scapegoat dynamic, I can't see you repeating it.

FWIW, your experience sounds very similar to my mum's with her brother, and my relationship with my sister was nothing like that, and we were very close.

YANBU to not have another child for any reason at all. But given how much you are loving being a mum, maybe you are depriving yourself of a bigger family for fear of a situation that surely you know you would never allow to happen in your home.

I do agree a lot of sibling issues come back to parenting. I didn't get on at all with my brother as teenagers and I think that was in large part due to parents comparing and labelling us, treating us differently as boy and girl etc. As adults we are now great friends and go on family holidays together (DPs passed away), which we never would have believed if you told us in our teens

I have 3 DC and though young, they get on very well. I genuinely don't have favourites and I put a stop to any rough behaviour pronto. I think you can have a happy home with multiple kids. That said, sometimes I wonder if having 3 helps in that the competitive dynamic is lessened. (Not a deliberate choice on my part, I had twins).

I think sibling relationships when children are young are largely down to parenting. Parents who have a favourite, treat a child differently because they are a boy, or are the youngest etc. or parents who micromanage the relationship or who turn a blind eye to bullying, or who compare siblings cause a lot of problems.