DC being awful!

[Edgeoftens]

I have 3 DS. Older 2 (9 and 11) fight CONSTANTLY. They scream and hit each other all the time. My toddler is terrified. He’s always crying at the noise and chaos they cause. They wake him up all the time too. I’ve lost all control of the older 2 and I’m at my white end. My MH is suffering as a result of their behaviour. The older 2 stay with their dad 50/50 so I do get days without them. But I literally dread my days with them. I tense up at the thought of it.
what do I do? Do I suggest they have more days at their dads? I’m just broken.

That sounds really hard op. My two dds fight quite often and it is exhausting, luckily it’s just bickering not physical.

What consequence do they get for this behaviour? Are you on good terms with dad? Do they behave like this for him? Do they have lots of stimulation at yours? In a good way not over stimulation. Do they have stuff to keep them occupied so they are less likely to find unwanted things to occupy themselves? what about one on one time with you? Do you feel they are getting enough attention individually?
Sorry lots of questions but I think they are important to think about as it would change the solution depending on the answers.
Regardless they are old enough to have very real and strict consequences and to understand how this behaviour is impacted on their brother and you. Relevant consequence for this would be to separate them and give them chores to do and no screens, it will be harder work for you initially but they obviously need chores to occupy them.

What happens if you act as a mediator and get them to take turns presenting their side without screaming, insults or interrupting? And then guide them into using problem solving skills to find a solution that works for both of them.

How do you deal with their behaviour?

All behaviour is communication. What are they trying to tell you? Do they lack boundaries?

Could you have some days with just one of them and the other at their dads? Do their date with you always need to be together?

When my two are bickering/fighting, I either separate them or insist that they have to stay wherever I am so I can head off any disagreements. Even if they don't want to separate, generally after 5 or 10 minutes they will get into something in their own rooms and it all settles down.
I generally find it works better when I can do something individually with each of them so they get some attention. Does your toddler nap? Or are they old enough to watch some telly? If so, I'd set aside 20 minutes for one on one time with each of the older ones. When I do this, they tend to behave better when they are together.

It’s really hard, @Edgeoftens , because when there’s just you it’s harder to separate warring siblings!

Would dad be able to have one at a time? It might help improve things if they aren’t on top of one another all the time.

https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/how-to-prevent-sibling-fighting I'd also recommend the book

What are the consequences when they act up? This sounds really tough OP. Does dad find their behaviour similar. Consistency between both houses may help if you are on good terms?

This book is good OP.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-Together/dp/1853406309/ref=asc_df_1853406309/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310831412334&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4179437540383040887&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9180722&hvtargid=pla-530805418497&psc=1

Sounds really tough OP.

What is their behaviour like for their dad. Sending them more often to their dads could actually backfire and cause worse behaviour especially if they are behaving this way for attention. It could cause irreparable damage in your relationship with them if they feel rejected y you.

Some really good advice from PP. There is a cause for this fighting and if you can find the cause then it will dramatically help. Do be strict with them about it. They are old enough to understand that they are upsetting their younger sibling. Whenever you tell them there will be consequences to their behaviour then you must then carry it out consistently.

They need help communicating. You need to actually do something about their issue rather than save the problem for another day by sending them away.

I’m not really sure what the issue is. Yea they’re like this at their dads but they share a bedroom at my house which makes it harder to separate them.
The only real consequence for their behaviour is to take their devices off them. They tend to annoy each other more then though and the fighting ramps up.
when I say ‘please don’t wake the baby up’ the younger of the 2 says why?! with an attitude. It’s like they enjoy upsetting him

It’s because you aren’t parenting them. You’re basically just begging them to behave.

Removing their device isn’t a natural consequence - it won’t work, as you have seen.

Excellent link. I just finished reading it. @Edgeoftens There is loads of great advice and strategies in this article that I think will help you. Hope you get some time to sit back and read it.

when I say ‘please don’t wake the baby up’ the younger of the 2 says why?! with an attitude. It’s like they enjoy upsetting him
That attitude is anger. She feels angry. You say you don’t know what the problem is; you’re their parent, it’s up to you to find out. Please read the books and spend positive 1:1 time with them where they can have your undivided, positive attention.

My 12 year old wind up his 7 year old brother. Pre-hormonal and makes mean comments vs completely oversensitive ASD child who always screeches in frustration. ARGH.

You need to remember they are CHILDREN, and you are in charge here! You need to sit them down, tell them what is acceptable behaviour, and let them know what the consequence will be if they don't behave.

The consequence could be missing out on activities, devices taken away, no screen time, no pudding etc... Whatever you feel is appropriate.

Or maybe dangle the carrot and show what fun activity will be on offer if they can both manage to go a week without fighting. Every fight restarts the clock.

Ideally you need to speak to their dad and have a joint plan of action. I assume they are the same at his house?! A bit of consistent co-parenting so the boys know that the same consequence will be in place regardless of where they are staying.

Parenting is tough.

I can’t tell from what you’ve written (and from the ages given) whether the toddler is their full biological sibling? Of not, is it the case of you being in a relationship with a ew partner and you had a baby together?

Im only asking in case the behaviour of your two older children has been triggered by a bad break up with their father, or feeling resentment towards a new partner / new baby.