To be fucking exhausted with this

[Starsandstuff3]

Hoping and praying someone else on here has has similar .. I feel like I’m going insane and I feel so alone with it all

I’ve always had OCD traits - not the stereotypical putting colours in order etc, more like having to do thing a specific number of times or else I’m scared something bad will happen. As a young child I had to check my bedroom door was closed 5 times. If I went over 5 I had to do 9, because 9 is like 2 lots of 2 on top of 5. I know it probably sounds dumb but for some reason it made sense to me and made me feel better and I HAD to do it. There were other things, for example, I went through a spell as a teenager where I would become paranoid I had done something wrong. I remember a specific example where I saw a story about a theft in a local shop. I KNEW I hadn’t done it, I would never have done anything like that besides I was on holidays and not even in the country at the time. My mind would convince itself that I might have done it and not remembered, or what if I somehow did it despite not even being in the country? I even went to the police and broke down because I was scared I had done it so I had to confess (they were lovely and knew I hadn’t done it and said I was having an ocd breakdown and told my parents to get me help) they got me cbt and other therapies where we worked out j was seeking reassurance and then needing more reassurance which caused a viscous cycle. I felt better, moved on and put it all behind me.

i haven’t had an episode in years but I’m stressed about work and I think it’s brought out the ocd traits again. But this time it’s different. I can’t stop feeling like my body feels unequal on one side. I don’t know how to explain it, but I feel like my body is unequal and I need to constantly move my left hand side to make it equal. It’s mainly my upper body and I keep twitching my shoulder, neck, collar bone, bum cheek etc because I feel like I need to to make it even with the other side. But the more I do it the more I feel like I need to. But when I don’t do it, it feels sickeningly awful. I know nothing bad will happen if I don’t do it. But I feel extremely uneasy and horrible and stressed because my body feels so unequal and wrong. But now my body is agony especially my neck and shoulder because I’ve been twitching it so much.

i know I need to get some sort of therapy again and I will. But I just wondered in the mean time if anyone on here can relate especially with the part about my body feeling unequal on one side. I feel like im going crazy and im exhausted and in pain with it all :(

Oh OP. I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a dreadful time. The tricks our own minds play on us can be so very cruel.

I don't have direct experience of OCD but I have a long history of other mental health issues that have at times been utterly crucifying. So I hear you, I really do.

The fact that therapy helped you before is a really positive sign. You WILL get yourself back again, although it may not feel like that right now. And no, you're not going crazy.

Please please ring your GP as soon as the surgery opens and also get in touch with OCD Action https://ocdaction.org.uk/. Do it today. Please. Make yourself your number one priority.

I wish you all the best OP.

Hi OP. I don't want to add my own specific OCD traits as I don't think it will be helpful, but I massively relate to feeling unequal and having to even things out, so I don't think what you're experiencing is unheard of.

Agree with PP and I am glad to see you have plans for therapy. Maybe you could also look into some sort of stress management as this seems to be a trigger for you (although of course not all stress can be avoided).

Good luck OP x

I could have written that first paragraph exactly about my ocd, even down to the numbers, although mine are always 3 and 9. It's such a hard thing to live with and people really don't understand how debilitating it is. I'm so sorry you are struggling at the moment. I've not had the exact same thing with feeling uneven/twitching but I've often hyper focussed on my face not being equal on one side.
Have you ever tried medication? I started after have the kids and the ocd really getting out of control and it has massively helped. I still get the odd horrible thought and occasionally will have to do the random checking of everything but rather than it being 50+ times a day it's more like once or twice a week so it has changed my life. Feel free to PM me if you need to chat.

I really feel for you, it must be torture. I saw a colleague go through similar, it was so hard to watch, I can only imagine how it must be to live it. As others have suggested and as you have said yourself, seek medical help.
Best wishes to you.

Sorry OP, this is really hard. I very much relate and really just came on here to say you’re not alone. The twitching and feeling unequal or uneven in your body (I’ve never found a good term for this before, so thank you!) is hard and, you’re right, some kind of therapy can provide coping mechanisms.

The intrusive thoughts element of OCD is barely understood in the general public, and can be really difficult as well. It doesn’t sound like that’s part of it right now but the way you describe the believe you’d stolen something as a kid, even though you couldn’t have, means it’s potentially still part of your profile and could get worse without help, so absolutely do follow through on your plans.

Some people also swear by medication - I was put on Peroxetine and whilst it did dull a lot of the OCD, it also dulled a lot of ‘me’. Weirdly that changed my relationship with OCD and I now think of all the weird as an integral part of what makes me interested in the world and wanting to do things, even if it comes at a cost.

Rooting for you!

I have this exact same thing. I have routines that must happen or something bad will happen. It drives me crazy as takes a lot of time and mental energy. It genuinely seems to work out that when I don't do them something bad happens. Almost like me not being able to complete is a hint to prepare mentally for the negative.

One of them I have to do before DP or I leave the house (before we separate for the day) and it really affects my sleep as I want to get it done but isn't available until 5 am. But that tiredness and split sleep is worth the unrest of waiting for something bad. I think.

One thing I will say is that the principle is more common than you think. Many people have the thought process and act on it. Not many people take it to our level.

Seek help. Baby steps are best.

The human brain can be a complete bastard sometimes.

Can you go and see your gp or dig through google to go and see someone about this, any cbt in your area or therapists who specialise in OCD. Sounds like you could do with talking to someone at work too about work loads etc.

It could be that your posture or sleeping position was genuinely making you feel off balance and then your illness has led to overcompensating?

Swimming is a safe way of relaxing muscles and allowing your body to lengthen. And it feels nice.

Hi. Thank you so much everyone for helping.

it’s actually a huge relief that others can relate to what I mean about reeling unequal- I thought I was going crazy!! I’ve always had it, as a child I remember sometimes feeling like I HAD to do something like twitch my ears because one ear was higher than the other, or my shoulders etc and I would keep doing it until I forgot and moved on to something else.

this particular episode is the worst so far. I’ve been non stop jerking my shoulders and straining my neck because it feels unequal and I can’t even explain why. I know it’s not and it’s very much a compulsive behaviour but it just feels wrong and jerking or straining or twitching makes it feel more equal for about 30 seconds then it wears off and I feel like I HAVE to do it again. When I try to ignore the compulsion it’s like everything inside me is screaming to do it.

I got an appointment with my GP for next week which was the soonest I could get so I’ll need to try and get by until then. I don’t know what I’m hoping they can do because I know only I can stop it but I feel like I can’t and I’m in agony now because of it. I can barely move my entire shoulder and neck on that side- it’s agony from my armpit up to my ear on that side because I’ve been constantly straining it and jerking it. One of my lymph nodes on that side had even swollen up because of it. I’m in absolute agony with it and trying to get by with painkillers and deep heat until the appointment.

so sorry for other people experiencing similar xx