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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Jealous of my daughters bond

22 replies

ProudInsomniac · 05/07/2023 21:06

I have 2 DDs, they are 18 and 16, just finished A-Levels and GCSEs respectively. They are very very close and I am so glad of it, they each have their own lives, hobbies etc. but they also spend a lot of time together.
Since they are both without anything to do as exams are over and DD1 doesn't leave to travel for another week, they have been super close. Playing tennis together, shopping, brunch, lunch, dinners out. They have introduced one and other to their respective sports of preference (DD1 Hockey, DD2 Volleyball) even though I've been asking DD1 for two years if she would mind if I went to Hockey with her (the ladies team starts from 15 at our local team). Even at home they are always in one and others rooms, music on etc.
Even tonight they were watching Wimbledon in the family room, I tried to join them, they left for the Living room, when I joined them in there they moved to sit by the window and chat amongst themselves. I knew they'd gone out for lunch and wanted to ask about it, but it was clear they didn't want me there and if they had TVs in their rooms I'm sure they'd have gone upstairs. I tried to make conversation but they ignored me or gave short answers. When DH joined us they became far more chatty.
I don't know what I've done to get them to this point. I invite them out for lunch or brunch and get told they are busy.
I'm starting to feel jealous of how close they are!! I don't expect to be let in on every part of their lives but I feel I hardly know them now and I'm definitely among the last to find anything out (such as DD2 having a boyfriend or DD1s break up) I don't think I'm particularly nosey or give extreme reactions.
AIBU to be jealous, how can I repair the relationship?

OP posts:

littleripper · 05/07/2023 21:08

I wouldn't feel jealous of their closeness but it is unkind the way they are excluding you when you are around and that would sting.

Original poster

ProudInsomniac · 05/07/2023 21:11

littleripper · 05/07/2023 21:08

I wouldn't feel jealous of their closeness but it is unkind the way they are excluding you when you are around and that would sting.

It feels cruel at times!! I don't think of them as generally unkind girls, it seems to be only directed at me.

OP posts:

Cheeseandlobster · 05/07/2023 21:11

You are their mother. You have a totally different relationship with them than they have with each other.

From your post I suspect you might be a little intense. It's ok to feel sad about them leaving the room but to be jealous is a strange reaction from a mother about her children. Most mothers would probably be happy they are so close

Wenfy · 05/07/2023 21:12

Is there a back story? If not then they are being rude and I definitely wouldn’t be standing for it in my own house.

Xmasbaby11 · 05/07/2023 21:14

I think I’d just be delighted they are so close - you can’t take this for granted. I can understand them talking more to each other than you about relationships- that’s natural, surely? You would expect them to have some secrets from you.

beeskipa · 05/07/2023 21:16

I think a PP is right that perhaps you're seeing your bond with each of them and their bond with each other as comparable things when parent/sibling are entirely different relationships.

I also think they're at an age where they want to be 'adult' and you, as their mum, represent the biggest tie to being a child possible. And as you notice it and try to keep them close - inviting them to things, trying to join in - they're pulling away more, feeling as though you're clinging.

It's not personal, I don't reckon - a lot of the women I know were less close to their mums in their later teens.

I'd be proud they have such a lovely relationship with each other, have a word if it pushes into rudeness, and accept that while a sibling relationship can be like a friend relationship, a parent one is always going to be a parent-child relationship and they're at the exact age where they don't want to feel like 'children' any more. Give it time - they sound mostly like lovely kids.

Original poster

ProudInsomniac · 05/07/2023 21:17

Wenfy · 05/07/2023 21:12

Is there a back story? If not then they are being rude and I definitely wouldn’t be standing for it in my own house.

Not that I can think of, we were close until DD1 went to college to do her A-Levels and got a BF, she then pulled away, DD2 followed suit. I'm generally fairly relaxed, try very hard not to be overbearing. With DD1 leaving for uni in a couple of months and DD2 going to college I'm going to miss them dearly, so perhaps I'm trying more than ever to spend time with them.

OP posts:

Smartiepants79 · 05/07/2023 21:18

Leaving the room when you enter it is odd and hurtful and rude.
They can be best friends without excluding others, especially their mother.
If you take them separately what happens?
An punting with just the eldest before she leaves.
Then, when she’s gone, make an effort with the youngest.

ThePoint678 · 05/07/2023 21:19

I think, kindly, you should focus on your own adult friendships, connections, sports and hobbies. Once you have your own space working in a way that makes you happy you may be less impacted by what they are doing individually or together.

You’re their mother, not a best friend, and I think the mother daughter relationship changes so much over time that sometimes this is a temporary situation that you need to manage maturely until things swing back around again.

That’s been my experience with my mother and if she had been trying to force a friendship at various times I would have found that very intense and needy.

hohumpigsbum · 05/07/2023 21:22

I have two daughters, although a lot younger, and as an only child myself I desperately hope that they grow up to have a lovely close bond as adults. So in that sense I think maybe try to step back and be happy that they get on so well- it doesn't always happen like that.
However I also remember as a teenager not wanting to speak to my mum, but it was never just for no reason. We didn't have a great relationship but I can totally remember clumsy attempts at trying to distance myself, because either she'd said or done something to hurt my feelings or was making me feel claustrophobic and fussed over.
I can understand you must be feeling very hurt but people don't just behave like this for no reason.

category12 · 05/07/2023 21:27

I think if you've been asking about hockey for two years, you should probably take the hint that she's not keen, and find another team to join. Do it for yourself if you want to do a sport.

Give them space, they're finding their independence, find your own too.

Curseofthenation · 05/07/2023 21:34

How is your relationship with your own mum? Did you get along growing up? I'm just wondering if you perhaps you are trying to be best mates with your daughters because you had a challenging relationship with your own mum. You do sound a little intense, and maybe a little lonely.

kermitloving · 05/07/2023 21:51

Hmm

Ibizafun · 05/07/2023 21:58

I'm jealous of you! I'd give anything for my children to even get on, never mind be so close. I know they're still young but if they stay as close as they are, their own families will one day be close.. one big happy family!

Tangledbaby · 05/07/2023 22:06

Do you have friends? Not as in people yoh see once or twice a year but actual friendships outside of the home where you go out for regular meals and drinks and just regular socialising?

5128gap · 05/07/2023 22:06

You don't need to repair the relationship as it sounds to me fairly par for the course for mums and teens. (If there are strong foundations it generally swings back the other way as they grow older, so I'd not worry about that.)
Its their relationship with each other that's more unusual as they are clearly best friends as well as sisters. If I were you I'd try and see them as such. So if either of them had a best friend round, you'd not expect to be included in everything, you'd accept they'd want some privacy to chat about things with a peer.
The best thing you can do is let them get on with it and do your own thing. A parent appearing 'needy' is likely to end up with the opposite of what they want, such is human nature. Which probably explains why they're more chatty with their dad, who maybe seeks them out less?
The dynamic will change next week anyway and you may get the opportunity to re connect with DD2.

Tangledbaby · 05/07/2023 22:08

Also, because they are close in age and of the same sez it probably stands out more to you than it would if one was 18 and the other 13 as an example. The distance would still naturally happen but not as obvious and not feel as brutal as it happening at the same time and them happening to also get on and be close

katedan · 05/07/2023 22:12

This sounds very similar to my situation except mine are twins and super close but also row a lot. I feel like I am walking on egg shells but I think the dynamic in your home will change when DD1 goes to uni as mine are lovely when the other is not home!!

Whattheactualwhatnow · 05/07/2023 22:27

Wonderful they have this connection. At their age it’s natural your daughters are pulling away from you, they just, it’s part of asserting their independence from you and their own individual place in the world. They will come back to you. Take this opportunity for some time on your own interests and friends.

VestaTilley · 05/07/2023 22:30

YANBU- you shouldn’t envy the closeness, that’s lovely that they have that - but are they are being rude and disrespectful to you. No, they don’t need to involve you in everything or invite you to hockey, etc, but deliberately moving rooms from you is really nasty.

WandaWonder · 05/07/2023 22:44

You are a parent not their BFF's, maybe your intenseness is putting them off?

I would maybe try and do something maybe with them regularly but otherwise they are your children

itsmylife7 · 05/07/2023 22:52

You're their Mother , not their friend OP.

It's wonderful they're so close and can share their worries and secrets.

It's very normal for teenagers to 'break free' from parents and then get closer when they've matured.

Go out with your own friends for lunch etc.

Don't make your children your life....its really not healthy ( for them or you )

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