To be mortified that I actually need to be told this?

[reassuranceseeking]

I’ve got MH issues, to be honest I strongly suspect I’m also autistic (I’m diagnosed dyspraxic) but have never been diagnosed with autism, just had it thrown around a bit in appointments.

Socially I really struggle. If I put my work hat on I can cope fine. I’m good in a work role. But when it comes to making friends, and relationships, I really really struggle. I was bullied right through school, I had friends I thought but when we left school they cut all contact. I sometimes think a lot of it was that they felt sorry for me.

I don’t like myself very much, I don’t feel I have much to offer other people and I don’t know why anyone would want to be friends.

Needless to say I’ve never had a relationship or sex.

I tend to ‘cling’ to people I feel safe with, and contact too often. Think multiple times a day. Thankfully the two in question at the moment are much older than me, and more adept at dealing with things than I am. But in the last two weeks both have said to me - kindly but firmly - I need to text/contact less. Both have said still want to be friends but can’t support me to that extent and in one’s words ‘don’t think it’s actually helping (me)’. It’s reassurance seeking I think.

My self confidence is at an all time low for various reasons and I feel a bit stupid that this has needed pointed out to me. I’m 32 for gods sake. I keep remembering years and years ago when I was about 7 years old, queuing up for school, and my classmate looked at me and said, ‘why can’t you just be normal?’ and I’ve carried that with me for all this time.

Surely most 32 year olds don’t need to be told what’s OK with social contact and stuff like that. I’m so embarrassed - and so bloody lonely.

You're being very hard on yourself 💐

It sounds like your friends really care about you to be honest and kindly tell you how they're feeling, as they don't want to lose you as a friend.

It also sounds like they think you are more capable than you think if they're saying they think the reassurance isn't needed and it's not helping you.

Honestly, there's no such thing as normal, and I bet you've got some great qualities, there's no reason to be embarrassed at all for being yourself :)

Being able to cope with your work hat on is called 'masking' it is very common in autistic females and very draining physically and emotionally.

I suggest looking it up and seeing if it applies to you. My sister was diagnosed autistic as an adult and it really helped her understand who she is and how she fits in.

You sound great and friends obviously value your friendship enough to be honest with you.

Sound like you'd really benefit from therapy for your low self esteem.

Kids say really shit things to peers all the time so you can't judge yourself by this so many years on.

Is there an anxiety element do you think? I recognise the reassurance-seeking behaviour.

Listen to what your friends have said - it is good they have told you and still want to be friends instead of ghosting you or being nasty about it. I understand wanting contact with people and wanting reassurance but from the other side it is quite hard to be the person being leaned on. I know people who when you ask if they’re ok unleash a torrent of negativity, and it can get you down. Friendship is a 2 way street, do you also show an interest in their life and listen to their problems.

It’s definitely anxiety. Scared of being alone and not being loved so send a text/email in desperate hope that I’ll get something back that will either make me feel safer or more secure about things. It’s almost compulsive.

I recognise what you mean re masking too yes, it absolutely is exhausting, puts you off socialising almost. Even in support groups or therapy I still find I’m doing it automatically.

I do try to show interest yes, it’s definitely a two way street with both. Friend that said she didn’t think she was helping said I absolutely don’t need her reassurance half as often as I think and said I need to be able to rely on myself/my own judgement.

I think you are being quite hard on yourself. It can be difficult to know social rules exactly because they do vary. What's fine for one may be too much for another.

It sounds like you have made some nice friends (well done, you can't be too bad really!) who care enough about you to go through the awkwardness of telling you that you need to back off a little. That's okay, listen to them, and enjoy the friendship.

Could you get cognitive behavioural therapy?It really helped a friend of mine, who suffered from severe social anxiety.

"when I was about 7 years old, queuing up for school, and my classmate looked at me and said, ‘why can’t you just be normal?’ and I’ve carried that with me for all this time. "

This broke my heart to read OP. I wanted to reach through the screen and give you a hug!

I do think your friends must care about you a lot and it sounds like they want to reassure you. It sounds as if they believe in you and your ability to cope without reassurance. They feel comfortable enough with you to be open and honest and they love you enough to say it in a gentle and caring way, I feel like they must value your friendship a lot!

And I want to echo PP never be embarrassed to be yourself. Try not to be hard on yourself, you deserve happiness just as much as anyone else ❤️

Friend that said she didn’t think she was helping said I absolutely don’t need her reassurance half as often as I think and said I need to be able to rely on myself/my own judgement

You're a lot stronger than you realise and your friend can see that.

You sound like a very self-reflective and thoughtful person, those are great life skills! Keep building on the positive :)

Can I pm you, op?

Hi, yea no probs

thanks so much for all the messages on here, will try and read them again and reply properly this evening. Thanks so much though, all makes a lot of sense.

Surely most 32 year olds don’t need to be told what’s OK with social contact and stuff like that

Think again OP. We are all constantly navigating the boundaries of our social relationships. For some people it does come easier than others and easier still with lots of practice. But there aren't any people out there who 'know how to behave' and get it perfect every time. Every human being expects something slightly different!

Give yourself a break. They clearly think a lot of you to be able to set boundaries. Lots of people would disappear as they wouldn't know how to communicate this to you or simply wouldnt care.

If anxious and needing a lot of reassurance (and possibly suffering from intrusive thoughts / memories too?), perhaps talk to GP about an anti-anxiety / anti-depressant? I have struggled with some of the stuff you mentioned, and sertraline really did help. Most importantly it will stop you feeling terrible, but also might help you for example message people less, which sounds like it might be causing a vicious cycle.

Re feeling stupid - I think everyone feels the cringe at their own behaviour every now and then. We are all our own harshest critics and the stuff we feel we've done wrong is almost never as bad in the minds of others, especially people who care about us. In my experience, people who have even bullied a lot tend to be more critical of themselves (me included), as I guess a lot of it gets internalised. Children can be hideous.

Perhaps expanding your friendship group might help you feel less lonely, when you feel up to it? Perhaps joining some sort of club? Doing this has helped me in the past, when I was feeling lonely. Even if you don't make any friends you see outside of the group for a while, at least you are with people, and it takes up time where you might otherwise be alone with your thoughts (or compulsively messaging). Sometimes true "outside group" friendships can blossom, which is a bonus if it does x

How often are you texting / emailing them?

I'm autistic. I really do understand the compulsion to send a text you describe. I overcome it by writing the text or just sort of a diary word vomit into my phone.

I also found supporting other lonely people through my church really helps. Lots of older people would love a phone call or pop out to a cafe for tea and cake. It takes some concentration to make sure they get their space in the conversation tho don't forget that. If you are not religious I'm sure there must be non religious charities for befriending. It feels much better when it's you being the kind supportive person than needing that from friends if that makes sense? Helps with the insecurities that you are just a drain and wondering if it's a real friendship. It's not a friendship but it's fulfilling and rewarding and you feel like you are giveing rather than taking when you help other lonely people.

Being autistic and masking all day for work takes its toll. You may find you don't have the energy for clubs but if you do then social clubs, crag clubs, book clubs etc can help. The more people you chat with the more you can spread the messages around so each person gets less 😂

There is an autistic dating app called Hiki. Not that I'm saying a relationship will fix your problems (personally I've found the opposite if I'm honest) but it makes dating as an autistic person easier as you can sidestep the social awkwardness part of us.