To be so fed up of family moving away?

[is30tooyoungformidlifecrisis]

This is part rant, but looking for practical advice on how to handle this.

My husband and I both have split parents, 3 of which have moved 5-6 hours away, which means regularly seeing family with our 8mo is hard. I want to preface by saying I like all of my family and I'm so happy my daughter has a big family who want to see her, she is very lucky, but it is stressful and exhausting!

My mum moved to one European country, my husband's dad to another, my dad moved to the other end of the country. The only person we have left is husband's mum who is down the road.

Everyone else is such a faff to see! They all want to see us multiple times a year., which means it feels like once a month we have some kind of visit with someone, mostly they come to us but they all also want us to visit them. If we had one family member in another country, sure, but to have THREE different people want to see us who each live 5-6 hours away is really hard.

We can never have a holiday as all our holiday days from work have to be used to see family. I also find this generally a negative way to spend time together. Comapre our relationship with husband's mum: See her regularly for quick 'pop in' visits, go out for lunch, regular short, nice, visits. (This post isn't about wanting family for childcare, we've never once asked his mum to look after our daughter, it's just about having family relationships and spending time together.)

Compared to seeing everyone else: At least 3 days of almost constantly spending time together, pressure to 'make the most of it' do nice things together, distrupts baby's naps, catering for everyone etc. It is exhausting doing this so regularly and I dread it.

I am so frustrated that 3 out of 4 parents have moved SO far away and find it completely unmanageable to see all of them multiple times a year for extended visits and dread each one. If they were nearby we'd still be busy all the time seeing 4 different parents with the baby, but at least they could just be afternoon visits and less stressful! Any advice on how to manage this??

(I have posted about this before and got a lot of angry responses saying I'm BU and my parents can move away and live their own life etc etc. Yes they can, but when they choose to move away and THEN make that my problem by also wanting me to spend days at a time multiple times a year either catering for them or spending our work holiday days with them, it becomes frustrating!)

YANBU and I think you may need to set some boundaries. Make sure that a set number of days are just for your little family unit so you can go on your own holidays together.

Yes they can move away, but the consequences are that they won't see you as much as you shouldn't be expected to use all your holiday time catering to this.

I think you're being deeply unreasonable about people moving away that's just what people do. I know very few people who live anywhere close to their parents most of my friends have spent long periods of their adult lives in different countries to their families. (At one point my parents were in Ireland, I was in France and later in London, one sister was in Tokyo, one in Beijing, and my brother was in the ME. My child had lived in three places in two different countries before he turned eight.)

On the other hand, it's up to you to decide how much of your free time you dedicate to going to see or hosting visiting family -- that's entirely up to you, and it's perfectly reasonable to want to curtail it is it's having a negative effect on your own life.

They chose to move away, but even if you’d moved away from them, you aren’t obliged to spend all your time off visiting them. Especially when both sets of parents have split so you have twice the visiting to do. Tell them straight that you just can’t do multiple multi day visits a year, that you’ll just have to video call etc the rest of the time and that’s that. Tell them if they want to visit the area, stay elsewhere and meet up for some trips and meals while they’re with you then you’re up for that but you can’t host guests every month, it’s too disruptive.

It may tail off once baby is not a baby, especially if baby is currently the only baby in the family. Some of my children’s grandparents were besotted when my oldest was a baby and travelled 6-8 hours to see him every couple of months. They now see my school age kids about once a year for a long weekend. Still a perfectly nice relationship but it’s not as close as it would be if they lived nearer and that’s just how it is. I simply can’t recreate that “day to day” relationship from a distance and I’m not willing to turn myself inside out trying. It’s not sustainable, especially once the portable baby becomes older and opinionated and weekends become full of friends and birthday parties and gymnastics classes.

Say no. Sorry were busy. Sorry that doesn’t work for us. Sorry were going on a family holiday to Turkey this year so won’t be able to visit. Sorry we don’t have the space to host at that time but we’d love to see you for lunch/dinner/the day if you’re over.

Their choices to move away don’t have to impact your life unless you let it. You are not obliged to make an effort to see them because they chose to move away

I don't think you are being unreasonable. You are saying you have no issues with them choosing to move away, its the impact their choice is subsequently having on you.

You do need to prioritise time for your family and if these means that one parent can't come when it suits them, then so be it. You aren't saying you don't want them to come ever, or that you don't want to see any of them ever, its just got to be manageable. And I don't think it would be unreasonable to point this out to them individually.

I might even be tempted to contact them all individually and say "we are really looking forward to seeing you again, but as you know XX and XX also live a distance away and we are also trying to sort out either hosting or visiting each of them and also a holiday on our own - so if you had any thoughts about when you might be thinking of visiting, it would be really helpful to get it on the calendar"

or words to that effect.

Shame if your car was off the road for a long period. Presumably they all know your address? Summer of 2023 is at Worgate...

I agree it's disappointing and it perhaps creates a difficult expectation to manage especially as they are unlikely to consider the wider impact of it x 3.

But you can't change where they are located or the decisions they have made. All you can do as per PP is set your own boundaries about the life you need to have with your husband and DC at home. The private holiday time you need to have. The number of visits you are prepared to host and to do.

I'd say do one visit per gp per year. And host them once per year. You then know it is 'fair' even if the complain it is not. If they want to be around more often and will rent a holiday cottage nearby so you can dip in and out-thats a possibility. Or rent one elsewhere in the uk and you could visit for a day and an overnight.
Or you could holiday in their country privately and pop in for 2 days on your way home.

It will be uncomfortable and there may be fallout. But this isnt because you dont love them. Its because its make you actually feel
Stressed and unwell and unbalanced. If you dont get that back a bigger rift could
Form from the resentment. Either with them or with DH. Time as a nuclear family unit is important. Or time off at home to get
Shit done!

You're not being unreasnable, but you do need to set some boundaries. Once a year hire a chalet or similar in a reasonably close third country. Everyone travels, everyone shares the expense, everyone cooks / cleans etc. If family want to visit you thereafter, be clear that they are welcome, but you will be working, and they will need to take car eof themselves in terms of cooking, cleaning, getting around. If they still visit after that, great. That leaves you and your immediate family with some annual leave days to do your own thing.

YANBU. If they move away they need to accept they won't be seeing you so often. Or they have to make the effort to visit you on your terms. Be open with them about the fact that you have this x 3, and they will have to take turns etc..

I have had this with in-laws (divorced) moving to 2 different countries. We did visit a lot to start with as it was a novelty but then we wanted to use our leave for other countries. Just start to gradually say you can't visit this year as you are having a family holiday to xxxx. When they come to you suggest they use an airbnb nearby to give everyone a more relaxed time. Put the ball back in their court a little bit. When you go to them can you do the same - at least you get a bit of family time.

Thank you all for the advice. Any ideas on how exactly to set boundaries and what to say?

In the last 8mo since baby was born, one family member has visited 5 times, another 4 times and we've gone to them once, another twice and we have gone to them once.

This isn't even including uncles/aunts/our Grandparents that are still around.

It's just kind of built up, I don't have a plan in place going forward. How do I make one?

They moved, they make the effort to visit. I would look at doing one long weekend Friday to Monday a year to see them, as long as you can afford it, so 6 days holiday and the rest would be used as a family doing whatever you want

do they also understand that with three different places to ‘have’ to visit it’s costing you money you may not have?

With regards to setting a boundary...

How do the visits come about? Do they email and check the dates? Phone? Text? Just turn up?

And also key to enforcing the boundary is DH being on board.

If its a text or an email. You reply saying 'hey, we already have visitors in July/July doesn't work for us which is a shame, but we could do 3
Nights at the end of August. Let us know and we will book you in?

The key is to not over explain yourself thus inviting conversation. And to not overthink it-offering an alternative date (and slowly spacing out visits) is not rude!!!

Also, key to sanity with people who visit often is to stick to your normal routine. Take advantage of on tap babysitting. Ask them to cook and
Muck in. Still meet your friend for a
Coffee. Still take DC to playgroup. People are usually happy to entertain themselves
For a bit and you can also breathe and feel less resentful