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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AITA here?

20 replies

Tootiredd · 05/07/2023 12:46

I share a daughter with my ex, he has her every fortnight for 1 overnight stay and pays maintenance. This weekend is his weekend and I have plans, tickets booked, everything sorted, looking forward to it. Daughter has been to the drs this morning for tummy problems and is constipated, she’s been given laxatives and is to take them in large doses so dr has advised it’s not appropriate for her to go to school as she will be on the toilet frequently. Naturally, I’ve informed my ex about this and he is now refusing to have her because of it, I argued my case and said as he’s her dad I expect him to still have her and don’t think it’s fair that I should cancel my plans because of this. I don’t have much in the way of childcare since my mom passed away and my sisters and dad don’t live close by. I have asked his mom who lives near to me if she will and she agreed, my ex has then got in touch with me to say that this is not happening and he’s told his mom that I am not to make arrangements with her! He has said ‘she needs to stay at home with you and that’s the way it is’ basically telling me that I’m not to go out.

My ex was extremely controlling when we were together, he controlled finances, what I did, he hated me going out and would refuse to have our daughter, if I arranged for my mom to have her so that I could go out he would make things difficult for me so that I would end up having to cancel. He controlled when I could go back to work until I found somewhere that was around the corner and in school time so it was out of his hands but then was made to give him a big chunk of my wages every month. Every time we have a disagreement (like today) he throws the maintenance in my face (he refused to pay me this after our split until he found someone else and she must have told him he needs to I don’t know). I need to know if he’s right here because he’s starting to convince me that I am the one who is wrong and my anxiety is rising every time he messages me. He is a truly horrible man.

OP posts:

bibbityboppityboo · 05/07/2023 12:51

I think although it sounds like there's lots of other issues and factors at play - do you think it's best for your daughter to be ill, taking large amounts of laxatives and spending the weekend with someone she only sees fortnightly in a place that isn't her home? Especially moving her between homes when ill as well, because taking large amounts of laxatives can be unpredictable.

When I'm ill I prefer to bunker down at home where I feel safe, especially if it's involving any sort of bowel / tummy issues!

44PumpLane · 05/07/2023 12:52

He is still trying to control you.

You are absolutely right that as he is her father he should parent her.

If he is refusing because she needs frequent toilet visits, and his Mum is willing, 100% leave your daughter with bis Mum.

Also, of he's an arse about CM get the CMS involved.

Curseofthenation · 05/07/2023 12:57

I agree with the PP, get CMS involved. Is he definitely paying you the correct amount?

Well done on getting out of the relationship. It can't be easy with your childcare options but things will get easier as your DD gets older.

Createausername1970 · 05/07/2023 12:57

I think that it is a bit unfortunate that she is unwell just when you had arranged to go out and have tickets etc., And if your hubby has history of being controlling, then this situation is something he is going to try to control.

However, from your daughters point of view, I don't think she should be going to your Ex this weekend. If she will still be feeling unwell, then my feeling is that she should stay home with you. Unfortunately, having to cancel stuff - even stuff that has cost a lot of money because kids are unwell - is just one of those things.

If you were living with a partner I would say he was being unfair not to step up for the weekend, but you don't and its unfair on your daughter. That is the main point for me.

Original poster

Tootiredd · 05/07/2023 13:03

Curseofthenation · 05/07/2023 12:57

I agree with the PP, get CMS involved. Is he definitely paying you the correct amount?

Well done on getting out of the relationship. It can't be easy with your childcare options but things will get easier as your DD gets older.

I worked it out on a CMS calculator and he isn’t giving me the full amount, we arranged an amount that he we were both happy with. He is self employed and has previously threatened to make out like he earns less if I went the legal route.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tootiredd · 05/07/2023 13:11

Can I just clarify, DD isn’t actually unwell she’s just blocked up. She is comfortable with her grandma, they adore eachother , she has her own bedroom there (lived there before I left her dad). Grandma works in health so would make sure she’s looked after. I understand she’ll need to use the toilet more but can’t see this being a factor for not having her. My ex is refusing based on the fact he hates anything to do with bowel movements. Ex has never refused to have her over illness before.

OP posts:

Coolhwip · 05/07/2023 13:36

What has your MIL said, is she willing to ignore his order?

This would piss me off and I would tell him if he doesn't have dd this weekend he won't ge getting her any other weekend.

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 05/07/2023 13:37

Imo tell him you have a babysitter lined up. Even if it's mil.
Betcha he will collect dd as usual..

Tinkerbyebye · 05/07/2023 13:49

Speak to his mother and confirm she is still happy to have her, then if she is take her and leave her there

strawberry2017 · 05/07/2023 13:52

I'm sorry does he get to stop been dad when his daughter is Ill?

It sounds like his mum is your only friend in this situation.
Speak to her directly so not involve him. If she's happy to have her and your daughters happy to go then go and enjoy your weekend. X

Original poster

Tootiredd · 05/07/2023 13:58

If he instructs his mom not to have her she won’t. He was really angry with me for asking her, I rarely ask her for childcare and her contact with DD is on her terms. Ex is very insistent that I’m not to ask her. Not sure why.

OP posts:

purpleboy · 05/07/2023 14:00

Tootiredd · 05/07/2023 13:58

Phone gran and ask if she is still happy to have DD, then don't tell him. What a fucking arse.

Original poster

Tootiredd · 05/07/2023 14:01

purpleboy · 05/07/2023 14:00

Phone gran and ask if she is still happy to have DD, then don't tell him. What a fucking arse.

Show quote history

She would definitely tell him, she’s a lovely woman but thinks the sun shines out of his arse.

OP posts:

purpleboy · 05/07/2023 14:33

Could you do it last minute?
Anyone else that could have her?

nozbottheblue · 05/07/2023 17:44

If she's started taking high dose laxatives today surely it will all be resolved by the weekend? Usually they would take effect within 24hrs and all will be back to normal by the weekend.
Hope this happens OP. Your ex sounds like a waste of space.

Original poster

Tootiredd · 05/07/2023 21:08

So ex MIL as predicted has decided she agrees with the ex and believes that she should stay home with me but has then contradicted herself and has agreed to have her anyway.

OP posts:

44PumpLane · 07/07/2023 08:32

@Tootiredd surely as long as she has agreed to have her then it doesn't matter if she agrees with him or not? You still get to go out and all is well?

I'd seriously consider having a backup of someone who could perhaps come to your home and babysit though as she may pull out last minute at your ex's instruction in order to stop you going out!

Original poster

Tootiredd · 07/07/2023 08:33

Little update for anyone interested.. Ex called DD last night and she asked why he didn’t want her on Saturday (she’s overheard me on the phone to his mom letting her know he had refused). He got angry with this and wouldn’t listen when I tried to explain I hadn’t told our DD anything. He has told her that I don’t care about her all I was interested in was going out and dumping her off to anyone who would have her, he’s said that I’m using her money on myself and not her. Just for clarification I’ve been out once in a year, not long given birth, breastfeeding and on mat leave, so obviously this isn’t true. He has told DD that he has arranged for his mom to have her Saturday and he will come visit, he made out like he had done her a favour the way he said this. He is so good at manipulating that my DD ended up asking me if this was true and became upset that he’d made her believe I just wanted rid of her. This man has completely forgot about our DD since finding someone else, sees her once a fortnight, calls once a week and still somehow believes he is the perfect parent. He knows how to push me into shouting and losing it with him by twisting my words and manipulating me all while he sits there cool as a cucumber and turns to his new girlfriend (primary school teacher!!) and says “see what I mean, this is what she’s like”. My anxiety last night was so high I could barely breathe. I’ve decided to stay home tomorrow and have cancelled plans (DD is still right as rain) I can’t bare the thought of seeing him tomorrow or his family.

He has also now stopped his maintenance standing order.

OP posts:

Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 12:03

Oh OP Sounds like you were between a rock and hard place.

He really is scum and your daughter will see through him as she gets older, all on her own.

LookItsMeAgain · 07/07/2023 13:08

Keep a record of everything.

All of the comments and put it into writing what he said and say "Just confirming what you said in our phone call of X day at Y time..." and keep track of it all.

Every single scrap.

Then bring the fucker to court. Screw him!

He sounds fucking awful @Tootiredd.

Not only is he twisting your words but he's making his DD double guess situations too. This is not a good environment for her to be exposed to.

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