Should I talk to DD about this or not

[Coffeedrinker7]

ExH and I have not been getting on lately for a variety of reasons (he’s a twat being the main one). If I raise an issue with him he has a tendency to not answer the question I asked but throw back a random accusation.

He has said that DD1 (15) “knows” that I prefer DD2 (13) and that I tell her off more than my stepchildren. I was gobsmacked, firstly it is not true at all and I also can’t think of any time recently when I have particularly “told off” DD1. As the eldest she is the one who is pushing boundaries with curfews and homework etc so inevitably I have had more reason to talk to her about issues than the other DC. With my stepchildren I feel that I treat all the DC the same in terms of expectations around the house etc, but if there were a more serious issue like homework, going out etc then DH would deal with his kids and I deal with mine, it makes sense. But genuinely they are all pretty good kids so there is rarely any conflict. A couple of times I have asked DD1 to clear the table and not the others because they helped to cook or set the table, maybe it’s this?!

I genuinely don’t know whether to:
A. Ignore it, it’s just exH stirring
B. Talk to DD1 in a general way without saying it came from exH
C. Tell DD1 the truth, that her dad told me this and I want to check in with her that she’s ok?

I would do either B or C and aim for maximum comforting and love-bombing.

It sounds like it is potentially true, that's the way she feels.

It might not be objective truth but if it is the way she feels it's great to have an opportunity to confront that directly.

However, don't get caught up in 'but I did X with you and Y with them so that's fair, and I gave A to you and B to them so that's fair etc etc'.

What she would need to know, and feel, is that she is loved deeply and cherished by you for who she is. Not in relationship to anyone else (I got this from the Siblings Without Rivalry book). Don't buy into the competitive loving dialogue she's engaging in. It's about you and her directly.

So, wherever possible, time with the two of you where you're deeply interested in her and who she is. What's she going through now? She's changing a lot, does she feel like you understand who she is now? Maybe the acting out is trying to show you how she's changing and she doesn't feel like you're quite getting it?

Thanks for the reply, I’m trying to spend more time with her one to one. Part of the problem is exH is suddenly back in their lives a lot more and he’s a lot more relaxed in terms of letting her stay out late etc so she is gradually spending more time there and I feel like I’m losing her 😞. He can also afford to spend loads of money on them while I can’t. When she is home she spends most of her time in her room. I’m making plans to take both DDs away over the summer just the three of us, and I’ve offered to take her out for lunch on Fri when she’s off school due of the strike.

I’ll give the book a try thanks, that is a good point about making her feel loved for herself not in relation to the others.

Yes you should talk to her, I don't think there is any harm in saying "your dad mentioned you think xyz"
Even though you might not agree with her, it's her interpretation of the situation, and you always need to give them time and space to talk, and try to understand where they are coming from, even when not agreeing.

She might also feel like she's losing you? It can be surprising how often feelings mirror each other.

If he hasn't been around much, you will be the central figure in her life. So don't doubt your own significance to her. There will be a lot of deep love between you two so it's just building on what is already foundational.

I think don't worry about money, do what you can with time. Remember being side by side doing stuff encourages more openness (eg in the car, or walking, or doing chores together) than face to face sometimes.

And don't be scared about asking big open ended questions eg how is she feeling about life right now? or saying things where you might feel vulnerable eg that you think about her when she's not around, and how important your relationship is with her to you, and that you'd like to try and make it better if that's something she would like.

I should say - I'm no expert! My kids are smaller. Good luck.

Thanks all, lots to think about. Will try to have a one to one conversation with her, maybe when I’m driving her to dance so it’s a bit more low key.

Sorry, I’m a bit confused. Is the 15 year old your stepdaughter and the 13 year old is just yours, or yours and your husband’s?

They are both mine but I also have 2 stepchildren.