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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel shit about this

17 replies

supernova666 · 04/07/2023 23:27

My bf is away on a trip for a mates big birthday with a variety of couples, singles, etc we've been going out about a year and are in touch to some degree daily. I've not heard a peep from him all day. I just feel a bit forgotten and as a result, a bit insecure. I know it's only a day but it feels shit, even a brief "wish you were here" or "miss you" to indicate I've even been thought about would've been nice. Aibu and needy? Or nbu thinking a second thought would be nice?

If I'm being a knob I don't want to bring it up but feel a bit used for entertainment when nobody else is about. He's usually in touch lots, not really got complaints about him day to day

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 04/07/2023 23:29

AIBU and needy. For goodness sake, its 24 hours.

PonyPatter44 · 04/07/2023 23:29

Sorry- YABU!!!

givemeglitter · 04/07/2023 23:29

why weren't you invited if couples are there and you've been together for a year?

HawdMeBack · 04/07/2023 23:30

YANBU but I wouldn't bring it up... yet. If he doesn't contact you at all whilst he's away then I'd have to say something. Were you not invited?

summersunshining · 04/07/2023 23:30

He's probably just busy socialising, I wouldn't overthink it

Hawkins0001 · 04/07/2023 23:31

I can understand your perspectives op and agree it's seconds to text eg missing you or thinking of you etc @supernova666

ChopSuey2 · 04/07/2023 23:33

YABU. It'It been a day and a day when he's away so I would hope he's doing things and having fun, not staring at his phone. You sound clingy.

Original poster
supernova666 · 04/07/2023 23:34

It's a post divorce relationship for both of us so we took it slow, I haven't actually met the hosts still, so it was all organized when we were still early days. I'm not fussed about not being there, it would just be nice to get my usual we goodnight message or something, I just feel a bit shoved aside. I do get I'm probably being a bit ridiculous though. I'd never have been bothered if my husband did this, I suppose I just care more this time round and feel less secure than I did in my marriage because this is all new. Never meant to get this crazy 🤪

OP posts:
MrsO3 · 04/07/2023 23:35

Sorry @supernova666 but I think you're being a little unreasonable. He's away, he's having fun, socialising and it's only been a day. I think it's very easy for you to be at home thinking about him and missing him but if it was the other way round and you were away with your mates you'd probably easily go a day without contacting him as well

Hawkins0001 · 04/07/2023 23:36

supernova666 · 04/07/2023 23:34

It's a post divorce relationship for both of us so we took it slow, I haven't actually met the hosts still, so it was all organized when we were still early days. I'm not fussed about not being there, it would just be nice to get my usual we goodnight message or something, I just feel a bit shoved aside. I do get I'm probably being a bit ridiculous though. I'd never have been bothered if my husband did this, I suppose I just care more this time round and feel less secure than I did in my marriage because this is all new. Never meant to get this crazy 🤪

All the best

ChopSuey2 · 04/07/2023 23:38

givemeglitter · 04/07/2023 23:29

why weren't you invited if couples are there and you've been together for a year?

This is a fair point though. What's different about the couples that are there vs people on their own but who are in relationships? Is it that they are all individually friends with the person whose birthday it is (whereas you're not close), or have other people brought partners who aren't friends with the birthday person?

Original poster
supernova666 · 04/07/2023 23:43

It's an old close friend of his that he's not seen as much of lately so I've never met him. That's ok, I'm really not bothered about him going it's just the fact I'd have liked to be acknowledged at some point in the day like I usually am. It's not nice your bf going away overnight with a bunch of attractive single women on the lash and all of a sudden you don't exist when he's normally never off the phone 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 04/07/2023 23:44

Yabu and needy, sorry. It's possible to love someone madly but not miss them/wish they were there when you're having a good time with your mates for a day. Keep yourself busier and distracted so you don't make a deal of silly stuff like this.

ChopSuey2 · 04/07/2023 23:45

Sorry @supernova666 I posted before I saw your last post. The explanation for why you aren't there makes total sense. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you are feeling less secure. It's hard to sit with those feelings. I wonder whether you are someone who tends to ruminate? If so, there's some self-help resources online that can be quite good. Things like a rumination diary to work out triggers (times, places, people, emotions, being hungry or tired etc), what helps to disrupt the rumination and what doesn't etc

Addicted2LoveIsland · 04/07/2023 23:50

TBH I'd be annoyed at this. Why don't you just shoot him a msg OP?

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/07/2023 23:59

A relationship is no more secure because somebody is telling you how much they love you and miss you all the time - just read any of the hundreds of threads from MNers being lovebombed or played. And a relationship is no less secure because somebody thinks what you have is strong enough that you’ll believe that they still feel the same way today as they did when they said they loved you before they went away yesterday.

Maybe he didn’t particularly miss you when he was away - and that’s absolutely fine and normal in a healthy relationship, when somebody has been gone for a short time and is engrossed in a fun activity with other people. I went away with friends over the weekend and didn’t miss DH, or think about him a great deal, or text him, because I was with my friends and having a ball. It was lovely to see him when I got home, but I’m not going to pretend he was on my mind much!

Original poster
supernova666 · 05/07/2023 00:02

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/07/2023 23:59

A relationship is no more secure because somebody is telling you how much they love you and miss you all the time - just read any of the hundreds of threads from MNers being lovebombed or played. And a relationship is no less secure because somebody thinks what you have is strong enough that you’ll believe that they still feel the same way today as they did when they said they loved you before they went away yesterday.

Maybe he didn’t particularly miss you when he was away - and that’s absolutely fine and normal in a healthy relationship, when somebody has been gone for a short time and is engrossed in a fun activity with other people. I went away with friends over the weekend and didn’t miss DH, or think about him a great deal, or text him, because I was with my friends and having a ball. It was lovely to see him when I got home, but I’m not going to pretend he was on my mind much!

Fair enough, and I'm trying to keep all of that at the fore in my mind. I was away a few weeks ago and was sure to give him a quick call when everyone was getting ready to go out and a quick text to say I was in and missed him. Not everyone has the same level of thought around these things I suppose and I shouldn't judge him by my own standards. I feel needy 😂 I need to sort it out

OP posts:
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