Brother in laws passing

[Loveitifwemadeit]

I absolutely know I am being unreasonable.

My brother in law (ish, partners brother) passed away very suddenly recently and I am really struggling, not necessarily with grief itself as we weren't massively close but I am struggling and feel unbearably selfish.

I'm pretty sure this is just going to be a nonsensical ramble, but I'll try.

My partners family are extremely close, the complete opposite of my family, which I find uncomfortable all the time really but I know that is my own issues not there's so I try and deal with it. His parents have been here for 6 days with the youngest brother popping in and out (absolutely fine by me, they live 300 miles away and have lost a son so they want/need to be with their other two. No problem with this) but my partner keeps leaving me with them to go and see his friends. Which, I know is absolutely fine for him to want to do but leaving me with his grieving parents is making me uncomfortable. I love them but they're not my parents, they've come to see him not me. I feel like it's unfair to be leaving me wih them, he could be seeing his friends when they've gone home.

We also need to go to their home town this weekend for another family members funeral (it's been a really rough time for the family) and he has already made plans to see friends and leave me with his parents. I know I am being selfish, but everyone knows that I struggle with family/emotions etc it's hard for me to not feel uncomfortable at the best of times. And it is hurting me a little that he is being vulnerable with friends but is trying to keep it hidden and not grieve around me.

And I have been really anxious about my partner everytime he leaves the house dance BIL's passing, which again o know is stupid but it was an awful accident and he was the same age as me with similar age children. Everytime my partner goes out without me I'm getting increasingly anxious and stressed when I don't hear from him which is making the whole situation worse.

How can I make myself a better partner to lean on/support him right now? I've been extremely fortunate in that the only loss I've ever really had wasn't until a year ago and I am in my 30s so I don't know what I'm doing. I just feel like I'm intruding and in the way.

Again, I know i am being unreasonable in all of this, so if the only response is that I'm a selfish d*ck that's OK.

I'm sorry to hear you're in this situation. It sounds horrendous. Is your DH going to see friends to help with his grief? I think that short-term he has a right to be a bit selfish but it really depends how often he is going out to see friends. Is it every night? That seems harsh on his parents if that is the case and if I was going to push for him to be home more, I'd do so for this reason.

In terms of the funeral in his hometown, is there any reason you can't go with him to some of these meet-ups? Are your children very small or are you uncomfortable leaving them with relatives nearby? Even without the anxiety, I would say it's unfair for you to be with his parents the entire time while he gets respite. Can you arrange some blocks of time for DH to be in charge of the kids while you go out for a walk/do something small for yourself. Sometimes just having some breathing space 'booked in' really helps.

Yeah, he is going to help with his grief, hence why I think I'm being awful. And no not every night but he is also having a couple of hours a day undisturbed in our bedroom so he can have time to himself to be upset alone, which is what he wants.

The friends in hometown are his and bils friends so they're meeting up to talk about him etc and I don't know lost of them. He doesn't want me there. I can leave the children with relatives but I don't know the area that well as I'm from where we live currently.

I just wanted to add that I am absolutely sad for them, my heart hurts for my partner but mainly for his parents and bils partner and children. The pain is completely unimaginable. I didn't want to sound completely heartless.

Ah, it seems unfair that your DP is shutting you out. Is he usually like this with emotions? Or could it be that you weren't close to BIL and therefore he wants to cry on the shoulders of people that are grieving too?

It must have hurt to hear him say he doesn't want you around for any of his meet-ups in his hometown either. Did he say why? It's not that you need to be joined at the hip but occasionally going out to meet friends as a couple seems fair. It's not nice to just leave you with his parents the whole time while he meets up with various people.

Re getting out for a walk, I think just booking out some time to get a coffee in a local cafe and going out for a walk in the local area could help you feel less overwhelmed. You don't need to know the area well to do this.

I actually think it is a very normal thing to do for people who grew up together, to want to be together, sharing memories, etc - and yes, maybe being "allowed" to appear vulnerable in front of each other, without other people there, so I disagree with Curse about expecting him to be inviting you along when he spends time with friends where he grew up.

The parents coming to stay seems a little strange - particularly if your partner then is going out, However, there is no 'right' way to behave or come to terms with the shock, and I do just think this is a time when a partner just has to give those grieving some room.

When I lost my sibling, I was fairly numb, but also dealing with practical issues, and, with hindsight I am and forever will be eternally grateful to the way dh just let me do whatever I needed to do, by completely taking over the care of the dc / the shopping / the cooking / the washing up / well - just everything that he just did in the background, to let me do what I needed to do. Some of what I did might have seemed odd, or illogical, or selfish, or strange to him, but he never questioned it, and just took care of what needed doing.
I think that is what you need to try to do.

I am doing everything in the background, I always do, so no change there.

I feel like I'm being pushed away from him but being forced into the family instead. I don't really understand why me and dd are going this weekend, I can't think of any part where we are wanted or needed but being told we have to go.