Massively struggling in new job

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I’ve always been an anxious, not very articulate person who struggles massively with social anxiety and the fear I’m not good enough. I worry constantly about saying the “wrong” thing and that people will think I’m weird and won’t like me. I also have some major hang-ups about my appearance which I’ve had since childhood and worry that others are judging me on them.

Anyway, last month I finally managed to land the job of my dreams - it’s exactly what I want to be doing. It’s mostly based at home, which I love as all communication is via email which I’m very confident on. But when I have been into the office I worry I’ve made such a twit of myself, as I know that I’m not the best at small talk and my interactions with everyone just feel so stunted and awkward. Im so worried they will take a dislike to me as a result and I will lose my job, which I love.

I’m on anxiety medication which has helped enormously and have had some CBT, but still can’t shake those deep rooted feelings of hatred of myself and a feeling I’m not good enough. Everyone else just seems so clever and naturally funny and I’m just an awkward mess. I’m trying to keep in my head that I’m trying my best and that’s all I can do. But I’m still worried I’m not good enough. Any advice?!

YANBU for feeling this way but YABU for thinking nobody likes you. I’m sure you are likeable. Unlikeable people don’t worry about how they come across! It’s natural to feel like a fish out of water at first

I hear you, I used to feel like that (and still do at times) I’ve definitely learnt to ‘give much less of a f**k’ as I’ve got older.

I also work with some people who have quite obvious social anxiety, but never would their personality quirks or anxieties put them at risk of losing their job.

You will settle and find your tribe, if you and to, just give it time and be kinder to yourself!

Can you give any examples of anyone losing their job because they weren't good at small talk?

Remember, everyone's got something weird about them. Those that haven't are the weirdos! Also, no-one wants to work in an office where everyone is funny and sparkling all the time, it'd do my head in. Be yourself!

Some days i feel like I have imposter syndrome but I am actually an imposter rather than the syndrome. Other days, people tell me .my conversations are valuable and they agree with my thoughts which buoys me up for a while before feeling inadequate again.
However, my genius dh also feels like this. I'm like - how you also feel like this? He's confident, knowledgeable, popular. He gets so anxious about losing his job for making one mistake it's ridiculous. But it made me realise that very few people actually think they know what they're doing and we all just get on with it anyway.
Neil Gaimans story about imposter syndrome is a classic. He's a successful author and went to a gathering of successful people and felt out of place - like he didn't belong. He spoke to another Neil there who mentioned that he felt like he shouldn't have been there amongst so many successful people. Gaimans response? "Well Neil, you were the first man on the moon so that's got to count for something"

I've garbled on but the point being - if Neil Armstrong struggles to see his own achievements then I think you can just take comfort that you are your own worst critic and other people simply won't be judging you as much as you are. They are all probably anxious that they aren't impressing the new hire much.

I also tell myself that they can't be that great if they were stupid enough to hire me. Self depreciating for sure but somehow makes me feel better!

Thanks for the advice everyone. I love the Neil story!

You know how you are constantly thinking about yourself, what to say, what other people think about you, have you said something silly?
Well 99% of people are busy thinking about themselves. Honestly they will hardly notice anything you say.
Its quite freeing actually when you realise how self absorbed most people are.

Life is full of different people, extroverted and introverted etc.

Businesses should reflect society.

Some people are really good at being the "quiet movers" behind the scenes, making things happen. Others are great at being on stage evangelising about products etc

Point is we need all those people.
Chin up OP you are going to be great, and it's also ok to say you are an introvert or don't want to do something socially.

I can guarantee you no one is looking at you thinking you don't belong.

This sounds really hard for you, I’m sure people don’t think about you the way you think about yourself.
I think I’d try and get more CBT though as your anxiety is crippling. Speak to your GP as well to make sure your meds are at the right dose.
you are good enough

I work with someone who is very obviously horribly anxious, hopeless at social interactions yet desperately wants to fit in. He is also totally brilliant to work with, clever, insightful and our workplace is definitely better with him being there. I am better at my job because he is there, he adds a perspective I don't have because...

I am the opposite - always the entertainment, socially adept, always at the front pushing things forward and the one that automatically get the credit for leading the work to success.

My colleague always wants to join in with me when we're in the office but he's just so awkward it's painful sometimes.

Little does he know though that I, in my own way, am also incredibly anxious, wondering if people like me etc even though evidence is all there that people do, I'm valued and known as someone who can be relied on to get the job done.

You never know what's bubbling under the surface. Most of us at some time in our lives feel we're not good enough in some way or another in some situation or another. New job is peak time for this because you don't know anyone or anything yet!

I have built a really good relationship with my colleague over email/teams messages and infrequent phone calls. He is obviously more comfortable with this, and we get the job done to great effect. It would never have happened though if I hadn't reached out to him, so I'd urge you to reach out to someone in this way.

Just remember they hired you for a reason. Unless you are Head of Small Talk I think you'll be fine!

Thank you but I honestly struggle to convince myself of this. I think most people think and know they’re liked, and that they’re funny, witty, clever, excellent company or whatever. I also think they’re judging people like me who are socially awkward, not at all funny and generally just a bit rubbish 😔

You know those people who always have something funny or clever or even appropriate to say? Well, I am literally the opposite of that 😢

But do you work hard, turn up on time not skive off ‘sick’. Do you do your fair share if the work, are you reliable and helpful?
This is what I am looking for in a work colleague, not someone with clever quips.

I do my best to do all those things and never skive off.

I've still just got this nagging feeling I'm not good enough and so unlikable. I'm living in fear they'll say I'm not good enough.

I think I’m just worried they’ll think I’m not the right “fit”.

I don't think many people think that about themselves at all. Certainly no one I have ever been friends with or even just colleagues I've gotten on well with. Most people just don't think about themselves all the time. I suffer with anxiety too and it makes us very self-absorbed tbh. People who aren't so afflicted aren't spending that amount of time thinking about themselves in the opposite, positive light, they're just getting on and thinking about other more important things.

Even if people DO think you are socially awkward they will mostly not really care and if they do care they will mostly just feel a bit sorry for you tbh and then immediately be thinking about something else more important. Nobody is thinking about you or how you come across more than briefly during or immediately after an interaction, we've all got more important things to be thinking about.

Be kind to yourself, it sounds like you're doing great in your new job. Try to just focus on the actual work as much as possible.

And that's OK OP.

The clever, always funny, have something to say people can be tiresome after a while.