Struggling with my 8 year old DD

[anony3mous]

Can I please have some advice on how to deal with a very emotional and sensitive child. She cries all the time. No issues in terms of SEN. She’s lovely at school and has lots of friends but I feel she tries it with me and I’m really upset with her behaviour.

Yesterday for example was her birthday and I was going to take her to her favourite place for dinner. I picked her from school and on the way there she starts crying that she doesn’t want to go but wants to go on Thursday (no logic at all I have no idea why). I explained it’s her birthday today not Thursday and I’ll be in work late whereas I finished early today to take her. She just screamed and cried and said “it’s the worst day of my life”. She uses that line all the time. I’m really sad as I try to give her everything I never had. I grew up very poor and I try to give her these little treats all the time not just birthdays. Funny thing is she said on weekend she wants to go there on her birthday. So it’s not like I plucked the idea out of thin air I was doing what she said she wants on her birthday.

what is going on with her and how can I not take it personally when it very clearly is personal as she doesn’t behave like that with anyone else.

She really embarrasses me infront of people too. Just one example of many: we met up with 3 of her friends and mums to go park and on way walking to the car she pulled my hair and punched me. The other mum (other 2 had gone a different way) looked really shocked and I’m sure she is telling people how spoilt my DD is.

To add she punched and pulled my hair as I was chatting to the mum and saying bye and she was trying to talk to me. She had her friend right next to her but she wanted to interrupt our conversation. When I asked her what was so important she said “nothing”

So what happened when she started complaining about the restaurant? Did you take her, or take her home?

What did you do when she hit you and pulled your hair?

Any advice greatly appreciated. I just feel so drained and depressed by this, it’s everyday not just now and then. I never now what will set her off.

@DisquietintheRanks i just took her home. She coloured whilst I made dinner.

when she pulled my hair I told her to stop

Probably speaking from my own perspective with a SEN child, there is a lot of SEN type behaviour going on there TBH.

Are meltdowns after school a common thing? Attempts to control situations a lot? Attempts to control and dominate your time when you're present? All SEN behaviour.

Maybe she'd had a tough day and didn't know how to explain that, so said she didn't want to go out to dinner? Is she quite emotionally young? Maybe she needs help with vocalising and explaining her emotions.

@Jogonmagpies when I have spoken to school in the past they said there’s no signs at all she has SEN needs. So I’m confused.

yes it is after school. You’re right.

@Jogonmagpies what SEN need could the symptoms be of?

@PragmaticWench she is emotionally young yes. How can I help her vocalise her emotions?

@PragmaticWench d as Rory pressed send too quickly. What kind of things should I ask her or say? To help her with her emotions?

Everyone I speak to tells me that’s just how girls are and boys are so much easier!

Yesterday for example was her birthday and I was going to take her to her favourite place for dinner. I picked her from school and on the way there she starts crying that she doesn’t want to go but wants to go on Thursday (no logic at all I have no idea why). I explained it’s her birthday today not Thursday and I’ll be in work late whereas I finished early today to take her. She just screamed and cried and said “it’s the worst day of my life”. She uses that line all the time. I’m really sad as I try to give her everything I never had. I grew up very poor and I try to give her these little treats all the time not just birthdays.

That isn't a child being 'sensitive and emotional'. It's a child who is used to getting her own way by screaming and who is now pushing your boundaries by making arbitrary demands in order to see how much control she has over you.

The fact that you give her treats all the time also means that she takes them for granted. She's comfortable refusing to go out on her birthday because she knows she'll get a treat for no reason some other time. Basically, she's spoilt.

The reason she is only like this with you is because you are the one who puts up with it. She couldn't get away with that kind of behaviour with anyone else. She knows how much you love her (and of course she loves you too!) and she is testing what she can get away with. But ironically, what she really wants, subconsciously, is some firm boundaries.

I totally appreciate that you want to give her everything that you didn't have, and that is completely understandable. And I'm sure it's not a conscious decision on her part to try to control you; she probably doesn't even understand what she's doing. But you definitely need to be a lot more brisk and straightforward with her and stop constantly giving her treats all the time so that a) she appreciates them when she does get them instead of being ungrateful and b) she learns that behaving like a two-year-old isn't something she gets rewarded for.

@ManateeFair thank you it makes sense. As she’s not like this with anyone else! I do need to stop giving her treats you’re right.

Try and see it from your daughters' point of view. You can't force a treat on someone if they are not feeling it at the time, regardless of whether it is their birthday or not so it's best not to take it to heart when a nice gesture doesn't pan out the way you want it to.

This absolutely. Excellent post.

Respectfully nobody on this sub knows your daughter in person to give rational advice personalised to your situation, it will prove as much help as a horoscope.

It's not just how girls are, and boys are not easier. They're all children and pretty similar at this age.

Lots of things to unpack here.

Did she know about the birthday trip after school? If it was a surprise, how does she react to other unexpected changes of plans? You may be better off taking about things like this in advance and reminding her about what's happening on her birthday. It may be SEN related or it may not, but for children that struggle with change then lots of talk about what's happened now and next, things that are planned can help.

The hair pulling and hitting is quite unusual from an 8 year old. I would not have asked her anything at that point, I'd have told her to get in the car (if you were close enough) and that her behaviour was totally unacceptable.

In terms of managing emotions, you can name them when you talk about feelings. So you can say "I can see that you're angry/upset/cross/sad/worried" or whatever it is. If she is not behaving appropriately you can say "it's ok to be angry but it's not ok to hit other people when you are". There should also be some consequences for poor behaviour. Those should be planned in advance by you, so you know what you're going to say if you need to. So, maybe remove access to a device/TV/favourite activity.

I think there's a lot to unravel here.

Birthdays can be quite overwhelming at that age - you build up massive expectations in your head but the reality often falls a bit flat. There are threads on here everyday from adults who are disappointed by their birthdays - it's no wonder some children feel the same. I think it's generally best to keep birthday celebrations to the weekend so they're not overwhelmed and tired from school.

You say you do "treats like this all the time" - what does that mean in reality? Is going out for tea after school quite a normal thing for her? It could be that it doesn't seem like a big celebration if she does it all the time.

The punching/hitting needs big consequences - not just being told to stop.

Alternative perspective - she’s like that with you because she feels safe with you and she’s just coping/masking at school. Not nearly enough information to say if she has additional needs or not, but I wouldn’t be too quick to put it down to being spoilt. To me (and my perspective is admittedly coloured by having an autistic son) there are a few flags there for neurodivergence.

My autistic child finds birthday pressure far too much, can’t share my attention, struggles with after school trips to restaurants etc (he just needs to come home and relax) and is often entirely incapable of verbalising, at least at the time, why he is emotional/volatile/angry etc. Every minor setback is “the worst thing ever” and over dramatic. But he can hold it together in front of strangers, teachers etc - I bear the brunt of it because I’m his Mum and he feels safe with me.

Not saying your child is or isn’t neurodivergent, but I wouldn’t rule it out just because teachers haven’t noticed.

Are you a single parent and she’s the only child? It sounds like she thinks she’s in charge and doesn’t respect you as the parent.

Eight can be a really tricky age but she does sound spoilt.

I have an 8 year old DD and that's not how she is so I'd challenge that idea. OP, you sound terrified of upsetting her. It sounds as if you have so much investment in making her life perfect that you've forgotten it's your life too and she also has to learn how you treat you, and by extension other people, well.

OP she sounds a lot like what my 7 year old was like until I realised I was spoiling her and needed to change. A lot of crying over days out, and things like when she was given something, getting upset that she either didn’t get something else or wanting more. I used to get a lot of “this is the worst day ever!” too, even when she had had a great day but one tiny thing went wrong. I’m a single parent and she’s an only child and I’ve definitely been spoiling her over the years (trying to subconsciously make up for her Dad, probably) The behaviour soon sorted itself out once I stopped with any treats and put proper boundaries in place.

@itsmellslikepopcarn ive sent you a PM. That’s exactly what mine does!

You either have a No problem or a SEN problem (which could include her copying behaviour from school rather than being SEN herself).

However you've eliminated SEN itself as school doesn't seem to have a problem with boundaries and her behaviour.

You say that
She just screamed and cried and said “it’s the worst day of my life”. She uses that line all the time. I’m really sad as I try to give her everything I never had. I grew up very poor and I try to give her these little treats all the time not just birthdays. Funny thing is she said on weekend she wants to go there on her birthday.

I think the over compensating and equating showing gift giving with showing love is confusing things.

Genuinely next time she says its the worst day of her life I'd be asking her why and why is she trying to make it worse. I'd be making it clear that the more she wails the worse her day will get and that's her choice. Then start REMOVING things from her. Then warn, "if you carry on you will lose x toy and if you keep carrying on you will eventually lose fav toy. So let's see how bad you want your day to be".

Give her the power but do it in a different way and adjust the reward / behaviour pattern you have. She will likely really try and push you when you first do it but stick with it so she knows you actually MEAN it and she can't "squeam and squeam and until she's sick" to get her own way.

In my experience growing up, I associated receiving nice things with being bad, as receiving gifts can be used against you. I remember my parents telling me I was spoilt, now I refuse any gifts from them as a preventative measure to an argument. May not be the same situation to yours but a good perspective to have.