To tell her to stop messaging me

[hengelian]

I share a creative workspace with a few other people, we are all ad hoc and come in at different times. I don't have a particular schedule but I spend 3-4 days a week there on average, different times of day whenever suits me.

One person who is quite new to the space has taken to messaging me to ask if I am coming in on any given day, and when I am in always asks my plans for the week, when I'm going to be in because she likes to have company, etc.

To be honest I'm flattered that she likes my company but I'm finding it really intense. Whilst I do like a bit of casual chitchat when I'm in, I mostly just go there to get on with my work. I actually quite like having the space to myself when there's no one else in, so really I don't want her to come in just because I'm there!

I think she's a bit lonely working at home alone which I do get, but I don't really want to be her friend - I'm mostly there to get on with my work. If I wanted a coffee/ social time with a friend then I'd arrange to do that.

AIBU to tell her to stop messaging me? Am I being really horrible or do I just need to be assertive?

I would message and be firm but polite.

“I prefer the flexibility of working quite ad-hoc and enjoy the time to myself and so aligned schedules doesn’t work for me sorry”.

Not being horrible, just explain yourself kindly and assertively

It'd be more horrible to try and then be overwhelmed and end up snapping at her one day

Just ignore the messages or send one saying you don't keep to set schedules so will be in and out. Keep it brief and polite. You could always be honest and say that you try to in when nobody is around as you find you focus better with no distractions. That way its not personal to her.

Just be vague? "Haven't decided yet. Depends when the kids drive me crazy, hahaha"

"Not sure when I'm coming in, haven't had time to think about it. See you when I see you! Have a great week."

Thanks, that's a good idea.

I actually turned off WhatsApp read receipts today so she wouldn't know I was ignoring her message 😬

No don't do this ,it's too chatty and leaves it open for a conversation about the kids!

Ignore the messages, just block her and if she says anything just say you are really crap at looking at your messages. No need to make a big deal out of it, just keep it all vague and leave it at that.

I don't think you should tell her to stop messaging you. That seems a little harsh and I think she could be hurt by that. As others have mentioned above, just send a message keeping it very brief, saying you're not sure when you'll be in etc

I’ve had this before. Actually it’s quite stressful and I’d feel as though I needed to go in when I didn’t really. There weren’t my boss but I felt I was being checked up on almost. Asking what time I’d be there and wanting to know exactly my schedule.

I like the second suggestion, be honest as you don’t owe her anything.

Yes exactly. It just feels a bit much. I don't want to be insensitive but I have a lot of friends and don't really want to develop new ones during precious time I've put aside to work on creative projects. She is also just coming on a bit strong/ needy which is really unattractive! 😕

It can be really hard to make new friends so let her down gently. I agree with telling her your hours are adhoc and you actually find it easier to work if no one's around as you have so much to squeeze in and so little time.

I'd be vague. Not sure which days I will be in. I don't like to schedule too far ahead. Have a lovely weekend.

This is what young me meeting current me would look like! 😂

I think a gentle way would be to say

“To be honest, I can’t get into the zone properly when I’m chatting, I wish I could! I get loads done when the place is ent so I’m going to keep trying to do that to get caught up. How did X project go?”

Speak like colleagues who happen to work in the same office would. When you see her, have a friendly chat and then “Right, I must get on! Speak to you later!” and set up on your own.

My DP also has this problem. He’s sorted the garage to have his own little world to escape to and tinker with things but every time he goes out there the man next door gets excited and runs out to do the same thing next to him and start inane conversations.

His solution is to be as boring as possible without being rude. Distracted but polite answers, no asking questions back, being extra engrossed in what he’s doing.

When you are there the same time as her, does she interrupt your work, or leave you to get on with it?

I’d be inclined to reply along the lines already suggested, as in you don’t (want to) run to a fixed schedule - but also possibly add “and when I’m there I want to use it as quiet space to focus on getting my work done.”

Then if she keeps on messaging, just reiterate that you don’t run to a schedule, can’t tell her, not sure etc. Hopefully she’ll give up without you actually needing to tell her to stop messaging you.

Why does she have your number anyway?

Just ignore the messages or send one saying you don't keep to set schedules so will be in and out. Keep it brief

This is all it needs to be. No need to say you work better alone etc.

Just simply, "No schedule, I come and go at completely different times and days".. because that's the truth.

@PuzzledObserver
She does interrupt me yes, and she will frequently ask 'is it OK to chat to you?' so obviously has some awareness. I will say I'm just getting on with some work and explain I tend to prefer not to chat when I'm working.

I've even told her I have ADD (which is true) and that I can't concentrate on talking and working at the same time, need quiet etc. Then she'll be quiet for a bit but will do it again 20 minutes later.

She has my number because she's in my extended friendship group so we're in a few of the same WhatsApp chats etc. and we also have a workspace WhatsApp.

@OriginalUsername2 Thanks for the reply, your DP's situation with your neighbour would drive me absolutely mad too! I have a neighbour a bit like that - we have a shared garden, as soon as she sees us out there she comes out to talk inane nonsense at us 🙄We tend to sunbathe in the local park instead!

In that case, as well as declining to tell her when you’re going to be in, every time she interrupts I would remind her that you are focussing on work and that conversation is distracting you. Save the chat for when you’re taking a break.

My other thought is: she apparently enjoys your company, do you enjoy hers, when away from the work environment? If you do, you could suggest going for a coffee together, and chat then. Keep the workspace for working, and chat for social time. But if you don’t enjoy her company, obviously don’t do that!

Another random thought (I have ADHD!) - get some headphones? You don’t actually have to be listening to anything on them, but they will send a signal to reinforce what you’ve already told her.

Thanks @PuzzledObserver , all good suggestions. I do have headphones, need to use them more often.

The funny thing is I used to like her a lot more than I do now. I previously would have gone for a coffee with her but wouldn't really want to now because I'm finding her a bit irritating and needy!

Well you can’t be held hostage like this. Next time when she asks say “I don’t want to chat now or for the rest of my time in the studio today - I need to focus! Thanks so much.”