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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give a recovering addict money as a birthday gift?

24 replies

caoimhe151 · 04/07/2023 11:38

my cousin turned 25 a few days ago. He's struggled with addiction to alcohol and prescription tablets and has kicked the habit once but went back on it. Now he says he's off them for good (and has been for 4 months).

For his birthday, I gave him an Apple Watch and a €150 gift card for Currys/PC World. He was delighted but some of my family were not happy that I did that because in their words "you don't give an addict/former addict money".

I said to my mother that it was insulting and infantlizing. I told her that in his recover process, he can't be treated with kid gloves and has to learn temptations with money like an adult would.

She says that I'm being too trustworthy of someone with addiction? AIBU?

OP posts:
NewDogOwner · 04/07/2023 11:40

How close is your cousin that you spent such a huge sum of money on their birthday?

Papernotplastic · 04/07/2023 11:41

That’s a lot to spend on a cousin’s birthday!

VapeVamp12 · 04/07/2023 11:42

But you didnt give money you gave a voucher so it's not the same really.

ViaRia01 · 04/07/2023 11:43

YANBU. I understand that it’s sensible to avoid temptation (so perhaps don’t arrange a surprise party in a pub) but you do have to trust them to some extent. Only he is responsible for his decision to drink/ not drink.
If you’d given him just the watch and no cash … would his relatives have been ok with that? If so, it’s a but short sighted as he could easily sell a high value item to get enough money for his addiction.

Humidititties · 04/07/2023 11:43

I'm confused, what money did you give them?

GoodChat · 04/07/2023 11:45

You haven't given them any money?

Original poster
caoimhe151 · 04/07/2023 11:48

I gave him a gift card and watch which I assume can be sold for cash.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 04/07/2023 11:49

caoimhe151 · 04/07/2023 11:48

I gave him a gift card and watch which I assume can be sold for cash.

So what are you supposed to give him? A box of chocolates?

Mrsjayy · 04/07/2023 11:51

You gave him an apple watch AND money that's a lot for a birthday of a second cousin! Anyway he may or may nor buy drink /drugs but it's done now so what can you do. Apple watch though 😲

Mrsjayy · 04/07/2023 11:53

Gift card you didn't give him money I mean he could sell that I suppose.

littlemousebigcheese · 04/07/2023 11:53

Ok but by that logic, any gift you'd have given him could have been sold for cash?!

melj1213 · 04/07/2023 11:56

TBF that's a lot of money to spend on a cousin - mine get £10 worth of scratch cards in their card, but then I have a large family with lots of cousins and siblings so we don't spend a lot on each other.

Personally I would have done the watch or the voucher but regardless of which you gave, if they wanted to sell it for money to buy alcohol/drugs then they could easily do so, so unless you bought them nothing at all there is always the "possibility" but you have to have a little bit of trust in people or else they are never going to break the cycle of addiction.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 04/07/2023 11:58

caoimhe151 · 04/07/2023 11:48

I gave him a gift card and watch which I assume can be sold for cash.

Any gift COULD be sold for cash. Are you just meant to give him nothing forever?

mindutopia · 04/07/2023 11:59

I'm an alcoholic and now sober. I'd be pretty offended if someone felt they couldn't give me money or a gift card as a birthday present because god forbid, I might buy wine with it. That's incredibly patronising. If someone wants to relapse and use, they will find a way, and I can't imagine he doesn't have access to his own money somewhere, otherwise how does he live? I think you gave him a lovely gift and it's very thoughtful.

2bazookas · 04/07/2023 12:25

has to learn temptations with money like an adult would.

But that doesn't mean you have to PROVIDE the temptation to test him, does it? It's like giving an alcoholic a bottle of whisky to celebrate he's been dry for 4 months. You have adult responsibilities too. FGS, he's only 4 months clean.

How would your family feel if the valuable gifts you provided, went straight up his arm and ruined all the months of work he did to get clean? Put him back to square one?

Instead of throwing temptation in his path you could have treated him to dinner out ; taken him to the theatre. Spend some quality time with him doing healthy normal things that don't pose any risk to him.

icelollycraving · 04/07/2023 12:27

I’m just flabbergasted that anyone spends that much on a cousin.

Foxblue · 04/07/2023 12:30

I would gently suggest that his immediate family might have more insight into his addiction and recovery process than you, so you would take your lead from them...

PandaChopChop · 04/07/2023 12:31

Look, if he's really serious about his recovery and thinks that the gift card/watch will tempt him to sell for cash, he'll ask someone to look after it/hide it away until such a time that it is not a temptation.

I think you did the right thing, he is an adult and can make adult choices. It would be different if you'd bought him a bottle of booze obviously!

Kindofcrunchy · 04/07/2023 12:33

You must absolutely loaded if you're spending that much money on a cousin. Mine just get a card!

Neverinamonthofsundays · 04/07/2023 12:35

Can I be your cousin please?

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 04/07/2023 12:36

I have close relatives who were alcoholics (now deceased) as well as clients (also deceased) and let me tell you, if they want a drink, they will sell anything to get it - a gift card is no more "sellable" than a laptop or books or video games.

Wicksytricksy · 04/07/2023 12:36

Oh hi, long lost cousin here!

What do you buy your siblings/parents if that's a cousin present?! Misses point of thread

dancinginthesky · 04/07/2023 12:41

It's a lot you gave to anyone - I couldn't afford to give my kid that much for birthday or Xmas and I suspect perhaps you have the means that others in the family don't so it's stood out to them and they've found a way to critique it

But you didn't give money, you gave a voucher and I agree that an addict in recovery would have to function regardless of temptations- their universal credit or wages if back in work would be amounts that could equally be used for relapsing

millcraig · 01/07/2024 12:33

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