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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you have found this rude from friend?

22 replies

Turkey584 · 04/07/2023 10:35

I was meeting friends for Sunday lunch the Sunday just gone. There were 4 of us meeting, we've all known each other since school.
I haven't seen any of them for 6 months, even though some don't live that far.
Anyway, one of them said she couldn't make it as she and her husband couldn't get childcare, which is fair enough.
Still 4 of us going, I arrive at the pub and only 2 of them are there. I ask them where Sarah is, is she running late?
One says, oh Sarah's not able to make it anymore because of X commitment, but we all went out for coffee this morning so we saw her then.
I thought Sarah had gone a bit quiet on the whatsapp group but she never told me she wasn't coming.
Anyway another friend, Emma, told mder e that Sarah had messaged her saying she could no longer come for Sunday lunch but still wanted to see Emma whilst she was in the area.
The other friend at the lunch, Katie, was also invited by Emma. The friend who couldn't get childcare was also able to meet them as her husband was able to mind their child, but apparently wasn't able to mind her so the friend could come for lunch.
Anyway I didn't say anything but I was a bit miffed to find out that they'd all been out together for a coffee and I wasn't invited. I know I was seeing the 2 later on for lunch, but I just feel a bit excluded.
Sarah only lives a few miles away and ice previously said we should meet up but it'd never materialised, I get she isn't that fussed about seeing me one to one.
Not sure if I'm just being a bit sensitive.

OP posts:

Original poster

Turkey584 · 04/07/2023 10:35

Also sorry if it's a little hard to follow!

OP posts:

Sendmymillioninaninvoice · 04/07/2023 10:37

I would let it go. If it becomes a pattern, then say something but it really just sounds like a one off

Original poster

Turkey584 · 04/07/2023 10:38

Yeah, maybe. I just thought it was a bit rude of Sarah to not say anything and let me think she was going, then just invite the others out.

OP posts:

Babsexxx · 04/07/2023 10:38

I see what your saying and I’d say it was bitchy tbh what they did! Clearly somethings off I just wouldn’t invite them again tbh.

Original poster

Turkey584 · 04/07/2023 10:40

I will have to see if it becomes a pattern. I know Sarah and Katie bond because they've both got children, which is fair enough it happens in groups. I think I'll just leave it and see if they invite me next time.

OP posts:

Daffodil92 · 04/07/2023 10:42

I don’t think rude is the right word. Mean and exclusionary, absolutely. Why not just change the lunch to a breakfast date when everyone could attend? But weird they keep the original lunch when most people couldn’t come. YANBU.

Inkpotlover · 04/07/2023 10:56

I'd be a bit hurt by that too. Did you ask them why you weren't included?

Inkpotlover · 04/07/2023 10:57

Daffodil92 · 04/07/2023 10:42

Exactly this! Why didn't lunch become brunch for everyone?

LaMaG · 04/07/2023 11:05

I'd be v cross too, but I'm not sure what you can do about it. If person with childcare issues could go earlier I can't understand why they didn't just check if you could come earlier too. I'd be particularly annoyed with the one who didn't even inform the group she couldn't make it. You are not BU at all.

BodegaSushi · 04/07/2023 12:11

Yes of course it was rude to just go quiet and not mention they weren't coming, but to have friends pass the message on.

dartsofcupid · 04/07/2023 12:13

It wouldn’t have been hard for any of them to text ‘can you come out for a quick coffee before lunch?’ I would probably feel similar to you but I’d also try to not read into it as being a deliberate exclusion of me so much as people being keen to suit themselves in the moment. Some people are understandably reluctant to ask other people to change their plans because of childcare issues/ they have FOMO, so maybe made their own mini-arrangement for a quick meet up (which is arguably more cheeky than just asking to shift the whole thing but maybe didn’t necessarily seem that way to them seeing as the group lunch was the main event and ostensibly still on). As to whether you’re being sensitive, no, it’s not nice to be overlooked, but if it was me I’d (probably) give the benefit of the doubt on whether it was anything personal on this occasion.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 04/07/2023 12:38

Trying to think about how your friends could possibly come out of this looking good... Perhaps the moment has passed but I'd ask Emma - oh why didn't you invite me to coffee as well? Then see what she says. Can't think of a good reason why Sarah didn't message all of you to see if you could re-arrange. It's hard not to interpret it as a bit underhand and sneaky. If Emma hadn't invited Katie I might have understood but it does seem like they excluded you. Are the other three closer? Or have they been friends for longer? I dunno...

Original poster

Turkey584 · 04/07/2023 12:53

Thanks everyone. I'm going to try and give them the benefit of the doubt this time, however if it happens repeatedly I will just stop bothering with them. I was the one who organised the lunch, I'm going to leave them to contact me now, if they don't then at least I'll know.

OP posts:

ReachForTheMars · 04/07/2023 13:01

I'm sorry you feel sad but it sounds like you dont make any effort to actually make a meet up happen with Sarah 1 to 1.

Sarah wanted to see Emma as Emma isnt normally around - fair. Does Sarah normally meet Katie 1 to 1? Or perhaps Katie and Emma hang out a lot or had a morning arrangement.

Sarah's husband is allowed afternoon plans.

Original poster

Turkey584 · 04/07/2023 13:12

I did, I told Sarah that I don't live far and so we should meet up, but she never replied so I took that as not interested

OP posts:

Gateappreciation · 04/07/2023 13:14

Yes, I’d be put out as well. Maybe it was an oversight.

Appleblossompetal · 04/07/2023 13:15

That’s super rude! Who arranged the coffee and why didn’t they invite you?

mondaytosunday · 04/07/2023 13:17

She's rude not to have said in the WhatsApp she couldn't make lunch.
I think I would have been tempted to say 'oh well why didn't we change lunch to brunch so we could have all met up then'?
But I've been excluded from things. I'm a widow and often have friends talk about dinner parties they've had where I've known everyone but they've all been in couples. I only seem to be invited if it's a bigger drinks thing, not sit down dinner. They are happy to meet when it's just 'the girls' though.

Original poster

Turkey584 · 04/07/2023 13:19

That's a shame, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah it's strange she didn't say anything, just let me think she was coming !

OP posts:

Calliopespa · 24/11/2023 23:37

I can see it’s hurtful as the undercurrent is that you were not so important to them that they bothered to involve you in the earlier bit. Those situations are tricky, however, as if you say something it really just tends to make any ambivalence towards you worse. I’d try to ride it out without mentioning it and if it becomes a pattern, sadly I think it becomes a question of withdrawing a little to save yourself further hurt. Is there another group of friends you could look to do something with to distract you for now? If I were you I’d be building and strengthening other bridges which will help you feel the snub less. It might be an oversight, but at the same time they must have realised when they got there. It’s not like there were dozens in attendance so that an absence could go beneath the radar. Sorry: that’s probably not what you wanted to hear. But ultimately, you don’t need people who don’t need you.

Calliopespa · 24/11/2023 23:38

Oops sorry old thread! How are they treating you now!?

YerArseInParsley · 27/11/2023 03:00

I don't understand why people don't say anything at the time.

You should have said why wasn't I invited? We could have made it breakfast instead you need to say something next time.

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